Making an ADHD kid apologize to the teacher and whole class after a meltdown

[Anonymous]

Does this make sense to you? I do understand needing have a child understand consequences and accountability but it seems to me that this will case the child (9) to feel a lot of shame which will be internalized and could lead to more acting out.?

[Anonymous]

Omg. I think that’s a terrible idea to make any small child to issue a public apology, but especially one with ADHD. Maybe in high school, after a cooking-off period, and only if the class was actually harmed or made to feel unsafe.

[Anonymous]

Did your teacher propose this? Or is this your idea? If the teacher proposed this, I would escalate it up the food chain bc it is incredibly uncool...not only for a kid w/ADHD but for any 9 year old!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Absolutely NOT!!

[Anonymous]

A class disrupting meltdown isn’t a common occurrence for most kids with adhd so maybe the teacher was conceptualizing it as a separate behavior issue? Kids with adhd can often have comorbid diagnoses so I’m not saying the child was just being “bad” but ime straight up adhd trouble at school is much more talking to much, being out of seat, or being impulsive with materials.

[Anonymous]

Oh hell no. Whoever came up with this moronic idea has absolutely no business working with children.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not—if an individual got hurt or something, sure. But the class? No way! If the kid could help it, he would have. To even suggest this is pretty willful ignorance about ADHD.

[Anonymous]

OP here. It was the teacher’s idea and already happened/was reported to me by teacher. I was horrified. But after talking to DC it sounds more like she just said she was sorry during class but it wasn’t a huge deal. The meltdown was getting frustrated during an activity, shouting and ripping up her paper. It has happened two other times during this same activity in a few weeks. So it was using materials inappropriately. It is certainly possible there are other issues (I am starting to suspect ASD) but the low frustration tolerance and lack of emotional regulation can be ADHD. We are making an appointment to discuss medicating (dr wanted to wait until school was back full time in perso and we saw how things were going.) I definitely think it’s time.

She has IEP goals around managing frustration. I sympathize with the teacher about class being disrupted. I don’t want this to happen. But I don’t think shaming and blaming is going to work. Teacher also told me her behavior is causing at least one other kid to be unkind to her which the teacher is trying to manage/change.

There will be an IEP meeting. I want the teacher to get more support. But I’m also mad.

[Anonymous]

OP who is proposing this? Have you asked them what is their goal? Do you agree with the goal?

On a related note, is there an IEP or 504 in place and does the meltdown indicate that any part of the document or compliance needs to be revisited?

[Anonymous]

I don’t see anything wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It was the teacher’s idea and already happened/was reported to me by teacher. I was horrified. But after talking to DC it sounds more like she just said she was sorry during class but it wasn’t a huge deal. The meltdown was getting frustrated during an activity, shouting and ripping up her paper. It has happened two other times during this same activity in a few weeks. So it was using materials inappropriately. It is certainly possible there are other issues (I am starting to suspect ASD) but the low frustration tolerance and lack of emotional regulation can be ADHD. We are making an appointment to discuss medicating (dr wanted to wait until school was back full time in perso and we saw how things were going.) I definitely think it’s time.

She has IEP goals around managing frustration. I sympathize with the teacher about class being disrupted. I don’t want this to happen. But I don’t think shaming and blaming is going to work. Teacher also told me her behavior is causing at least one other kid to be unkind to her which the teacher is trying to manage/change.

There will be an IEP meeting. I want the teacher to get more support. But I’m also mad.

I would be so furious. Doesn’t matter if the kid doesn’t think it’s a big deal. It is.

[Anonymous]

I wonder . . . I could sort of see a scenario in which a kid whose behavior has disrupted the class apologizes but is also able to use this as an opportunity to explain what it is like to have ADHD. What brings this to mind is that years ago my kid and a bunch of other kids with IEPs did puppetry classes and learned to give presentations using Kids on the Block Puppets, specifically the characters who do represent kids with ADHD and some other things. They presented to elementary classes and it was amazingly effective at teaching them about their disabilities and giving them words to explain to other people. They got to the point where they could easily respond extemporaneously to questions kids asked. These were 9 to 12 year old kids doing the presentations.

I also think what OP learned, that it wasn't done as a really elaborate deal, is also ok.

Plus, then when the other kids tell Mom and Dad about the kid in their class who tears up paper and yells also tell Mom and Dad the kid also had to say they were sorry to the whole class Mom and Dad are maybe less likely to start fuming about their kid having to be in the class with the SN kid.

[Anonymous]

I actually am okay with this based on your follow up OP. I think it could be done in a shaming way and I understand your initial reaction because that would be mine too. But the way you describe it based on your DD's description makes it sound less formal than that. I think if the teacher had the right tone when asking, it actually good have been a good thing because it could have helped the classmates move on as well. If all they see is the outburst, but there is no follow up with the class to talk about what went wrong and discuss how it might have impacted them, that could be bad for your DD as well because it can create resentment among classmates about the disruption or just make them want to avoid her. Apologies/accountability can repair the relationship and help them view your DD as an accountable person who made a mistake, instead of a "troublemaker" or whatever.

This is something done in ECE classes a lot to help kids become more understanding of one another and to be accountable to each other, but in older grades it drops away and often consequences for acting out happens away from the rest of the class. I think that can be negative. Being transparent about these things can actually encourage empathy and understanding because kids better understand what is happening.

But yeah, it has to be done in a way that doesn't shame your kid. And it's hard to know if you aren't there. I think I would look at how the teacher spoke to me about the incident and if they made shaming language or seemed angry at my child (instead of being curious about what is causing the difficult behavior and seeking to work together to find a solution).

[Anonymous]

No! Public shaming … FFS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see anything wrong with that.

Me neither. The opposite viewpoint is why we have a generation of adults that find an excuse for every misbehavior and nothing is ever their fault. But at least they don't feel "shame".