Making an ADHD kid apologize to the teacher and whole class after a meltdown

[Anonymous]

My son vomited today at school during gym class. Would you suggest making him apologize to the teacher and the class for having the flu?

Protect your kid, OP. I would report this in an OCR complaint if I were you.

[Anonymous]

What behaviors necessitate an apology, and which don't? What's the decision principle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are assuming they know the size and severity of this outburst and being very minimizing in their language (it was ripped paper, so what, so she shouted, no big deal, this doesn't sound traumatizing, etc.). The truth is we don't know what happened or how big or severe it was. My child has had outbursts where he might get frustrated with a project and destroy his own project -- scribble all over his sheet, throw it in the trash, get kind of loud with his frustration. Nothing directed at other kids and not something I'd expect to be more than a conversation with the teacher, especially as part of an ongoing focus on managing frustration, his perfectionism, etc.

But he's also had outbursts that have scared and stressed ME out and I'm his mother. Shouting and yelling, ranting, throwing things around. Even if just a paper and maybe a pencil or something, the extent of these outbursts can be very stressful for our family and absolutely impact other kids (and adults). They can go on for more than a minute or so and make everyone feel very tense and drained even though they are not technically violent. It is hard to be around someone expelling a lot of negative emotion.

It is impossible to know from OP's description where the behavior falls on this spectrum. One thing we know is that it has happened several times in the last few weeks. If this is a repeat behavior that might be escalating, I do think grounding the discussion of the behavior in how it might be impacting classmates is a reasonable idea. It's important to be understanding and forgiving of every child's moments of struggle. But if a student is repeatedly disrupting certain activities in a way that could stress other kids or make them just not want to engage in that activity again, that may require more than just an apology to the teacher.

My question for OP is: how is this teacher usually? Do you trust her, does she communicate well, does she seem to care about your kid and the other kids? And so on. If a teacher I liked and felt good about did this apologizing thing and my child said it was fine, I'd let it go. If it was a teacher I'd had issues with in the past, if my child was upset or appeared to feel "shamed and blamed" or if there were issues with communication about expectations and how the IEP was being implemented, I'd say something about it.

I think the instinct to say "This was no big deal, the teacher should never have done this" is not great. I think it might reflect individual PP's past negative experiences with teachers who didn't get it (we've all had them) but it's not grounded in what we actually know about this situation. I don't think we can assume the outburst was minimal and not disruptive and that the teacher was out of line. There's a broad range here.

NP.
I don't know whether the outburst was big or small or even if the child shredded other classmates' projects to bits. But it doesn't matter for the question at hand.

Public shaming is a completely outrageous reaction by this teacher who needs retraining. If there was direct harm to particular students the teacher could suggest the child work with their parents to write apology notes privately or apologize in person to each of them in private but it is not appropriate or helpful to have a child publicly hung out to dry by an adult the way OP is describing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it's FORCED, it is not an apology.

I think you are conflating 'apology' with 'remorse'. One can apologize without feeling remorse and vice versa. And, to be fair, if you have to force someone to say 'thank you', it's not gratitude. Yet, most of us require our kids to say 'thank you' regardless of how they're feeling because it's polite/socially expected. Being forced to apologize for a special need/disability is not acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does this make sense to you? I do understand needing have a child understand consequences and accountability but it seems to me that this will case the child (9) to feel a lot of shame which will be internalized and could lead to more acting out.?

ADHD is not an excuse to act out.

Shame is not necessarily a bad thing, and may cause one to reflect on his actions.

[Anonymous]

I have adhd my teacher is pissed of with me. Because I have had a hard time controlling my anger and difficulties with aguring like an example is I’m doing math with 1 other person I don’t understand how they explain somethings to me so I ask them to not show it say it but the wrote it down and pointed to things on it even tho my brain won’t understand is like that so I told them after they were done. YOU COULD’VE JUST TOLD ME WITHOUT WRITING IT U JUST DID. He told on me and me teacher got pissed off abt it saying don’t make such big scenes for nothing.” Made by - Catastrophic ( you kind find tips from me btw I go by catastrophic so if u see the nam on it ITS ME! ( I also got a yt channel called it abt the rains and adhd! :>

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have adhd my teacher is pissed of with me. Because I have had a hard time controlling my anger and difficulties with aguring like an example is I’m doing math with 1 other person I don’t understand how they explain somethings to me so I ask them to not show it say it but the wrote it down and pointed to things on it even tho my brain won’t understand is like that so I told them after they were done. YOU COULD’VE JUST TOLD ME WITHOUT WRITING IT U JUST DID. He told on me and me teacher got pissed off abt it saying don’t make such big scenes for nothing.” Made by - Catastrophic ( you kind find tips from me btw I go by catastrophic so if u see the nam on it ITS ME! ( I also got a yt channel called it abt the rains and adhd! :>

You bumped an old thread to troll people in this forum? GTFO and get some help. You have mental issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder . . . I could sort of see a scenario in which a kid whose behavior has disrupted the class apologizes but is also able to use this as an opportunity to explain what it is like to have ADHD. What brings this to mind is that years ago my kid and a bunch of other kids with IEPs did puppetry classes and learned to give presentations using Kids on the Block Puppets, specifically the characters who do represent kids with ADHD and some other things. They presented to elementary classes and it was amazingly effective at teaching them about their disabilities and giving them words to explain to other people. They got to the point where they could easily respond extemporaneously to questions kids asked. These were 9 to 12 year old kids doing the presentations.

I also think what OP learned, that it wasn't done as a really elaborate deal, is also ok.

Plus, then when the other kids tell Mom and Dad about the kid in their class who tears up paper and yells also tell Mom and Dad the kid also had to say they were sorry to the whole class Mom and Dad are maybe less likely to start fuming about their kid having to be in the class with the SN kid.

NO NO NO. Our purpose is NOT to be your learning experience. If we choose to talk about our differences on our own, fine, but it certainly isn't a kid's responsibility to do so. Ugh.

Also people with disabilities have a right to keep their disabilities private. My kid and I might not wish to share their ADHD with the class. Teacher is obliged not to violate privacy and share with class.

If my kid appeared in class in a wheelchair with a breathing apparatus that made noise, would you force him to explain to the class why he needed all that?

[Anonymous]

Absolutely yes.

Unless you want to keep this child in isolation from public or institutionalized, the child needs to learn the social norm, learn what can be done to or not yo others around them.

Yes they should learn to take accountability for their action.

Again unless you want to keep your child in isolator the rest of their live. Time to learn.
Sam things for other kids and humen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son vomited today at school during gym class. Would you suggest making him apologize to the teacher and the class for having the flu?

Protect your kid, OP. I would report this in an OCR complaint if I were you.

I’m from Asian county. Yes if you vomited in front of the whole class and left other clean up your mess, even if you r sick, apologies is a noble things to do. Why not. He can gives apologies after he feels better. Be nice, be kind. However I don’t think teachers should request an apology for that. It’s a parent responsibility to teach their child manners.