Out of town IL living alone, without local family

[Anonymous]

DH's parents are divorced. MIL has no family close by as DH is her only child and lives several states away. DH calls MIL once per week each Sunday. We visit usually once per year for the holidays during the 10+ years we have been married. She has visited here too.

With MIL turning 70 she expressed a desire to move here closer to DH, which she has mentioned before, but it's not realistic as is much more expensive plus her friends are there, and she has lived there all her life. She has lived well in a LCOL city and the prices are completely different there than here. She was floored to find out what homes go for here. DH and MIL each have no desire to live under one roof so I am not facing any pressure or decisions to move her in with us.

There is no current crisis where assisted living would be recommended, that would be premature and she considers herself too young for that we know. MIL has great friends in her city which is several states away. She still lives in a large SFH with stairs and hires out for landscaping which she has done for years.

Is there anything else an adult child should do? I am thinking, should we press for grab bars in shower and ask casually if she has thought about moving somewhere without stairs?

I don't want to get involved in financial planning as she's very independent and in sound mind. She has a financial advisor. She may spend down to Medicaid if it comes to a nursing home. She received an estate which was said to be a lot though I don't know how much that means in the context of the LCOL city, or how long that would last. Thankfully she has a defined benefit pension.

Should we continue to do what we've been doing and just react if there is an elder care crisis handle it then? She had a fall and we handled the issue then. I defer to DH for his parents but give him research, ideas on anything. Our other parents are local or have other adult children who are local, and have partners (vs live alone) so we don't have the same issues with them, versus MIL who is far and lives alone.

[Anonymous]

Not exactly the same scenario but DH's mother was widowed and stayed in her home town where all her friends were. One benefit if she moved here now, perhaps to an active living community is that she is still healthy and active enough to make friends and enjoy living here. It will also be so much easier on you when she starts to decline so that he isn't constantly having to travel out there. My MIL died when DS was one, and throughout that first year my DH was traveling to his hometown probably every 6wks to handle things as his mother declined, ended up in nursing care and passed away. Selfishly, would have been so much easier if she had been nearby, she also would have seen her new grandson a few more times.

I'd definitely recommend moving to a single story home. If not, have her wear a medic-alert button tied to the home's alarm system, or at a minimum always keep her cellphone in her pocket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not exactly the same scenario but DH's mother was widowed and stayed in her home town where all her friends were. One benefit if she moved here now, perhaps to an active living community is that she is still healthy and active enough to make friends and enjoy living here. It will also be so much easier on you when she starts to decline so that he isn't constantly having to travel out there. My MIL died when DS was one, and throughout that first year my DH was traveling to his hometown probably every 6wks to handle things as his mother declined, ended up in nursing care and passed away. Selfishly, would have been so much easier if she had been nearby, she also would have seen her new grandson a few more times.

I'd definitely recommend moving to a single story home. If not, have her wear a medic-alert button tied to the home's alarm system, or at a minimum always keep her cellphone in her pocket.

Thank you for this reply, it is similar to what I could see happening here.

We have mentioned an active adult community closer to here and even passed along pricing for one that is close, and a similar concept more 1.5 hrs away where we might visit monthly (at 3 hrs drive time for our family, half day for us, to visit 1x/month). But is really, really expensive and not at all appealing to her compared to owning a lovely single family home in a great neighborhood in her city. And a 1x/monthly visit is not much to plan her life around. Currently she is close to good friends.
At young 70 she also doesn't envision living in a place for "older folks"

Single level and life alert button, yes perhaps DH should float to her without it being meddlesome. pPerhaps it is getting to that point to say something and this is exactly what I was wondering when I posted.Previously I think she may be offended and may still be offended now but having had a fall it is more reasonable to mention at a good moment.

I appreciate the insights.

[Anonymous]

I would put her name down on whatever retirement places you think might be suitable even if they are expensive. What seems expensive to you now might be your best option later.

[Anonymous]

She should downsize her home

[Anonymous]

Visit more. Much more. Your husband visiting is the priority. Only him is fine.

Consider it an investment in keeping her happy in her lower-cost area.

[Anonymous]

Fly, rent a car, hotel

pp again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Visit more. Much more. Your husband visiting is the priority. Only him is fine.

Consider it an investment in keeping her happy in her lower-cost area.

Agree with this. Also, if she’s retired, have her visit you more often. The only thing she is really missing is her family, so give her more of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would put her name down on whatever retirement places you think might be suitable even if they are expensive. What seems expensive to you now might be your best option later.

Thankfully where she loves there don't seem to be waiting lists for assisted living. And putting her name down without her consent would be viewed as too pushy.

But she doesn't seem at that point yet and has no more desire to live there than I do as an early millennial

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Visit more. Much more. Your husband visiting is the priority. Only him is fine.

Consider it an investment in keeping her happy in her lower-cost area.

Agree with this. Also, if she’s retired, have her visit you more often. The only thing she is really missing is her family, so give her more of that.

Yes we will invite her to visit more now that everyone is vaccinated. It is hard to get up there due to weekend activities, sports and better to see not just DH but kids

[Anonymous]

Have her downsize into a condo that has no maintenance and easy access. That allows her the flexibility to visit freely and will make the process of aging in place more possible.

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe your husband only visits her once a year. That’s pretty crappy. If she is of sound mind and wants to move closer to you and DH, what are you so resistant? Find a 55 and older retirement village and let her downsize to a small apartment. She’ll make new friends there and can go back and visit her old friends while she is healthy.

[Anonymous]

I'm 13:41 and re-reading your initial post that at one point she expressed interest in moving here. When she looked at housing prices was she comparing apples to apples, buying a comparable home in the DC area? If so, instead maybe compare apples to oranges since regardless of where she is downsizing is probably a good call. Assuming her home is paid off can the proceeds there pay for a condo here? Also, does it need to be as close in as you are? A condo in Reston is going to be cheaper than Arlington, same with Gaithersburg and Bethesda.

A friend's parents recently bought a condo in a really lovely community along the Occoquan in Virginia. Close enough to see one another on the weekends, or even during the week if MIL makes the drive, but still clearly independent. You didn't mention where you live but there are lovely condo communities everywhere, not necessarily one geared towards seniors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 13:41 and re-reading your initial post that at one point she expressed interest in moving here. When she looked at housing prices was she comparing apples to apples, buying a comparable home in the DC area? If so, instead maybe compare apples to oranges since regardless of where she is downsizing is probably a good call. Assuming her home is paid off can the proceeds there pay for a condo here? Also, does it need to be as close in as you are? A condo in Reston is going to be cheaper than Arlington, same with Gaithersburg and Bethesda.

A friend's parents recently bought a condo in a really lovely community along the Occoquan in Virginia. Close enough to see one another on the weekends, or even during the week if MIL makes the drive, but still clearly independent. You didn't mention where you live but there are lovely condo communities everywhere, not necessarily one geared towards seniors.

This is OP. Some clarifications on the concept of her moving closer, that was an off hand remark she made.

If she had a strong and consistent desire to move here, I'd certainly help her with research. But it seems like a no go - I gave DH some research I'd done after she made the brief off-hand comment about wanting to move closer, and it was a clear no to moving to a condo here (close-in) or a further-out option. If she were 1.5 hrs away, that's a 3-hour drive for our family and we could do a visit maximum 1x/monthly (not worth it -- better for her to fly here or all of us to visit there). She has no desire to move to a condo in her local area.

I see tons of people 70+ living in their own homes where we live close-in here. My own relatives and DHs relatives likewise have - people only moved if they couldnt live at home.

Pushing her to move in any way seems just like a non-starter really, and not something I am pushing in any way. Like imagine between living in a lovely home and neighborhood (picture like in the "Home Alone" movie) for $200k... Versus a condo in that budget within 1.5 hours of here, plus a monthly condo fee, plus losing deep friendships and community connections that can't be replicated. So much is tied to identity, whole life.

For now at least she goes on living in her home. So I am more looking for best practices from others with a similar family context or experience in this type of region. Assisted living and home care are available all the time where she lives (no wait-list) as people really need jobs there, so if there is a crisis there is not any issue with getting in off a wait-list.

More what I am thinking is
+ Encourage her to visit here more
+ Mention again that she always has the option to live on the 1st floor of her home and use upstairs just for guests
+ Get to know her neighbors when we are up there
+ Share information on what others are doing ("My (older) relative made some changes to their bathroom and installed nice looking grab bars in shower")
+ As time goes on if she needs help with healthcare paperwork or research I can do that from afar
Etc...