Looking for words to make me feel better

[Anonymous]

Hi- I am under the care of a therapist and starting despression/anxiety medication this week. My ds started first grade and Ive been terribly upset over how he lost a year of his childhood. I see the kindergarteners now living a normal life (despite masks), playing at recess, allowed to play in the classroom together, having fun learning, making friends, etc. My ds did not have any of that last year obviously because of covid. He didnt have this positivr, consistent introduction to school and essentially lost out on the last year (plus end of prek) of childhood before academics take over. Everytime I think about it or notice, my stomach drops. I know there are way worse issues- kids with cancer, people who have lost a loved one, etc. I am fully aware. I am just struggling with this. I have two kids and their early childhood experiences for them have been very different. He is my youngest and knowing that he basically just went from a cut off prek year to first grade makes me upset. My older son is in 3rd grade and I have not had this reaction at all because he had already had that early childhood experience before Covid hit and his foundation was already there. They are only kids once so Im having trouble with this for my younger one. Is there any way for me to feel better about this??

[Anonymous]

I get it, and kudos for recognizing this is most likely a manifestation of depression and anxiety. The only thing I can say to reassure you is that kids are INCREDIBLY resilient and your son will be 100% ok (more than ok!). Your son will have a lot of the experiences he would have had in kindergarten as a first grader. Teachers know that the last 1.5 years were super disruptive to kids and are prepared to help ease them in. It's not like first grade is super hard hitting academics. There's still lots of play and recess and social time that you mentioned he would have gotten in kindergarten.

One thing my therapist has told me for the last year and half that may be helpful - there's no hierarchy to grief. If you are this upset about this situation, allow yourself to feel that without comparison to others who have it worse. It doesn't help to push away our feelings of grief bc we don't feel entitled to them. Acknowledging that this last year and half has given us a lot of losses (small and large) is important.

[Anonymous]

OP, just mental hugs for you. I am in the same boat and sometimes feel the same way. The biggest thing for me is to just let myself feel the grief and sadness and not to push it away. I sometimes start to feel very angry if I don't allow myself to grieve, especially because my child's loss the last year and a half wasn't only due to Covid but also to political issues in this area that led to the prolonged closures. I know I'd feel differently if ever child in the world had the same loss. But they didn't.

Something I try to focus on is what my child gained during that year that would have been hard if she had been in school. She and I did lots of hiking last year, on weekdays when the trails were quiet. I'm not normally a very outdoors person and I don't know if I would have pushed a 5 year old to do that otherwise, but the weirdness of the pandemic and having her home spurred me to do it and now we have a lot of memories of that, plus we still enjoy going hiking. That is something that wouldn't have happened had she been in kindergarten.

I am sure you have things like that in your life too. Maybe your kids got to spend more time together in a way that helped them build some closeness. Maybe your son slept better last year without having to get up and get ready for school at a specific time. There must be something gained from this experience. See if you can find it and focus on that when those feelings of grief come up. But also, it's okay to feel the loss. No, it may not be as bad as childhood cancer, but that doesn't mean it doesn't matter or count. It does.

[Anonymous]

You can be sad. It does suck. (I have a first grade kid too.)

But: my kid is so happy to go to school. HE doesn’t care he “missed” a year of school. And he didn’t miss a year of childhood - it just looked different. He played, learned to read, fought with his brothers, taught the dog to roll over, etc. He had a decent year, even though he missed out on things. Try not to be sad for someone where that person isn’t sad.

[Anonymous]

Kids are so so resilient. Your DS most likely won't even notice in the long run. He got to spend more time with you, with his siblings, he got to slow down and not be rushed out the door. He probably got more time outdoors playing than he would have in K, despite virtual school.

It's ok to grieve a little. But just give it a few weeks, watch him thrive in 1st grade. It will happen. I have a 2nd grader this year and she has just COME ALIVE being back in the classroom. It's been amazing to watch. I'm focusing on how happy I am that they are back. I spent a LOT of time grieving during the last year though, so I do think some of this is delayed pandemic stress. It's been an awful 1.5 years for working parents in a LOT of ways.

So look for the good, but acknowledge the sh*t, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Op, give you a virtual hug. My kid was the ones that you mentioned luckily starting k this year, and he was in prek in person before that. I feel more loss and sad for my other kid that was stuck at home before she was 1 year old till 2.5 year old, and now I send her to daycare. I was nervous to death the first day I send her to daycare, but now she is happy going to daycare every day after a few weeks of crying. She has not celebrated any Halloween, Easter, Christmas, swimming, mommy & me classes & others because she was too young back then, and I am trying to make Halloween work this year if covid rate go down a bit. Maybe, at least go to pumpkin patch to get a pumpkin.

We are hoping that next year fall and if everything seems to be better, we are going to party hard to attend all kid activities and events. We are still cautious not to attend any social gathering, parties and events, so that my 2 kids can go to daycare/school in person. I feel sad that I could not attend mommy and me classed with the little one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can be sad. It does suck. (I have a first grade kid too.)

But: my kid is so happy to go to school. HE doesn’t care he “missed” a year of school. And he didn’t miss a year of childhood - it just looked different. He played, learned to read, fought with his brothers, taught the dog to roll over, etc. He had a decent year, even though he missed out on things. Try not to be sad for someone where that person isn’t sad.

+1

Your kid didn't miss a year of childhood. He had a different year. My ES student LIKED staying home with us. She thought it was fantastic that we all got to spend more time together. She was happy to go back, but she wasn't sad to be home.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate your words and thoughts. I did get emotional reading them. Thanks for your kindness.

[Anonymous]

I can understand what you are saying. My older child had a bad kG teacher many years ago. Unrealistic expectations for the whole class, a very no-fun classroom. A very punitive style of consequences. This was our first child and the school didn't really allow parents in the classroom so we didn't know what was happening until the year was over. I still get sad when Facebook shows me pictures of the past and I see my kid on the first day of KG. They look so young and hopeful but I know what was waiting for them in KG.

But here's the thing. I talked about being sad about his KG experience when they were 4th and he really didn't remember the bad teacher. He remembers his big Christmas present that year, sledding on the big hill for the first time, etc. His mind kept the good and unconsciously dismissed the bad. I guess if he can do that I can too. Your kid probably has good memories of last year and long term they will be okay (I know that is not true of everyone but in your OP, it seems like your child is okay.)
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

My kids had a great year. They had fun with their families. Reframe your mindset. Kids don’t know any different at that age. It’s all new. You’re mourning your loss.

[Anonymous]

It’s okay to grieve, OP. I have a first grader too and I’ve been having a lot of the same feelings when I look at kindergartners now. You’ve gotten great advice above, and go easy on yourself. These past few years have been rough on all of us in different ways.

[Anonymous]

I also have a first grader. I was sad about this when I thought about him starting school but now that he’s in school he’s so happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s okay to grieve, OP. I have a first grader too and I’ve been having a lot of the same feelings when I look at kindergartners now. You’ve gotten great advice above, and go easy on yourself. These past few years have been rough on all of us in different ways.

Thanks PP. I do get angry about it in addition to being sad. I get frustrated- Like why was it ok for my kid to not play at recess, make friends, learn, etc (bc he did not of that in my district) but every other year of kids gets it? I just cant feel okay about it but am trying.

[Anonymous]

I feel the same way as my daughter was in kindergarten last year too ... it's ok to be mad/sad and to grieve. But I know it's way harder on me than on her. She's also my only, so it sucks knowing I'll never get the normal entering elementary school experience. So it's more about what I'm feeling ... DD is completely fine, so I take comfort in that.

[Anonymous]

Fellow first grade mom here. I get sad when the photos of the first day of Kindergarten last year pop up on my phone and I remember that we took the photo on the porch and then when back upstairs to her bedroom to log in. She has very positive feelings about last year, and is old enough to remember holidays and travel and outings from before all of this happened. The entering kindergarteners are her school are much further behind than her class academically and socially because some of them never started preschool or only did a half year of it after daycare and before the shutdown in our state (not DC/VA). They also weren’t old enough to start extracurriculars last year- we live in an area where many gymnastics and dance studios only did classes for kids who were 5 and up and could reliably wear masks. Her grade seems really secure and happy in comparison to the slightly younger or older kids.

So even though I’m mad, I look at parents of 2-5 year olds on my block, middle schoolers, or high schoolers, and feel pretty relieved about what we missed. Still sucks and people are selfish monsters for not doing their part to end this more quickly.