Wife demanding I apologize to her for a flat tire?

[Anonymous]

Today around lunch time I left the house to get a haircut. I drove over something sharp and got a flat tire. I was on the side of the road with traffic whizzing by and I was able to get the donut on. I called DW to let her know and she just told me to find the cheapest fix possible (she is extremely frugal and does not like spending money). I looked for the tires at Costco/Mr. Tire/Tire Rack but since they're 20" wheels the tires would be special order and we'd be without our only for car 5-10 days. I called the dealership nearby and they had the tire in stock and could price match Tire Rack. I dropped the car off and since they were out of loaners I had to take a shuttle and Metro home. I was texting my DW periodically with updates. Overall this "**** happens" incident took up my entire afternoon and I didn't even get the hair cut I drove out for.

When I get home I go to the fridge to pour a glass of seltzer and a snack and my wife comes over and one of the first things she says is "I would really appreciate if you could apologize to me". She explained she was upset and hurt because of the cost (~$500 for 2 low profile SUV tires). I apologized in the moment but I got really frustrated with this. She picked up on my frustration and it escalated into an argument. I just wasted 4 hrs of my afternoon dealing with this and rather than giving me space for a bit and calmly approaching the subject of how she's unhappy about having to spend money all she could do is immediately come over and demand I apologize to her. I try to be patient and understanding but I feel like my wife has an unhealthy relationship with money and nagging.

[Anonymous]

It would be sweet if she got a flat tire tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

Any kids?

[Anonymous]

That sucks.

Unless you got the flat tire due to your negligence (drove over a road spike going the wrong way, knowingly drove over something sharp that you left out in the driveway yourself for example) she has no reason to expect you to apologize. That’s ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Don’t have children with this woman.

[Anonymous]

Your final sentence appears to be an accurate conclusion.

[Anonymous]

She sounds nuts. Not your fault.

[Anonymous]

Do you all have a budget? It sounds like she has a lot of anxiety around money. One way to deal with that is to write a budget, including a generous allowance for unexpected expenses/emergencies. That way she can know that you can afford it.

[Anonymous]

You guys don’t have a great relationship any kids?

[Anonymous]

The answer is divorce. You won’t because you’d rather come here and play victim, but that’s the answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you all have a budget? It sounds like she has a lot of anxiety around money. One way to deal with that is to write a budget, including a generous allowance for unexpected expenses/emergencies. That way she can know that you can afford it.

Yeah, we make ~$400k and have a 12 month liquid emergency fund

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you all have a budget? It sounds like she has a lot of anxiety around money. One way to deal with that is to write a budget, including a generous allowance for unexpected expenses/emergencies. That way she can know that you can afford it.

Yeah, we make ~$400k and have a 12 month liquid emergency fund

Did she grow up poor? Have you guys ever done marriage counseling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you all have a budget? It sounds like she has a lot of anxiety around money. One way to deal with that is to write a budget, including a generous allowance for unexpected expenses/emergencies. That way she can know that you can afford it.

Yeah, we make ~$400k and have a 12 month liquid emergency fund

That's not a budget. The question isn't can you afford it, the question is does your wife *feel* you can afford it. Since you say she has an unhealthy relationship with money and clearly has a lot of anxiety with money, it sounds like money is a frequent cause of fights between the two of you. If this is a relationship you think is worth fixing, it might be helpful to write a monthly budget. Divide your take-home pay into 12, and then sort it into categories: so much for your mortgage, so much for entertainment, so much for emergency expenses, so much for whatever else is important to you (and her). Since you have plenty of money, it almost doesn't matter what decisions you make or if you stick with it: the point is to have a discussion in which your wife can see that there is plenty of money.

[Anonymous]

Shouldn’t have purchased a vehicle that requires expensive tires, parts, etc. I would have told her to go F herself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you all have a budget? It sounds like she has a lot of anxiety around money. One way to deal with that is to write a budget, including a generous allowance for unexpected expenses/emergencies. That way she can know that you can afford it.

Yeah, we make ~$400k and have a 12 month liquid emergency fund

That's not a budget. The question isn't can you afford it, the question is does your wife *feel* you can afford it. Since you say she has an unhealthy relationship with money and clearly has a lot of anxiety with money, it sounds like money is a frequent cause of fights between the two of you. If this is a relationship you think is worth fixing, it might be helpful to write a monthly budget. Divide your take-home pay into 12, and then sort it into categories: so much for your mortgage, so much for entertainment, so much for emergency expenses, so much for whatever else is important to you (and her). Since you have plenty of money, it almost doesn't matter what decisions you make or if you stick with it: the point is to have a discussion in which your wife can see that there is plenty of money.

We have a budget spreadsheet where everything from mortgage payment to toilet paper from Target is tracked and grouped in budget buckets. Our financial picture is clear to both of us and if anything more to my wife as she’s the one managing the spreadsheet.