Anyone successfully change custody schedule based on kid's preference? In DC?

[Anonymous]

My DC doesn't want to go to dad. They have a very hard time being there, there are tantrums and drama when they go there and when they are back. I don't want to deny dad custody, but I think it'll be better for DC and us if there's less drama with the transition. The divorce is not new, but for the last year, DC has asked that they not go to dad at every visit. There's corporal punishment there, which I think plays a role, but no other obvious signs of abuse, DC sees a mental health professional who is aware. DC is in elementary school. I'm at a loss. I don't know if I should pursue a different schedule where DC spends most of their time with me, or if this is a phase. I in no way want to interfere with the relationship between them and dad, but it seems DC has lots of trouble loving and accepting dad and feel judged and hurt when there. Just let it be? Or try to modify schedule? Will judges care? At what point is the child's preference honored?

Follow up: if you are a child of divorce and this was you, are you happier that you had a choice to live where you wanted? Or do you wish your parents forced a 50/50 schedule?

[Anonymous]

Kid is probably feeding off your wish for child not to go anymore. There are no signs of abuse or neglect so you aren't going to have a strong case. Kids can tantrum for the other parents benefit. You need to support Dad vs. showing a clear divide and allowing the behavior to happen. Child knows he can tantrum, act up and you give in.

Offer Dad no child support for no visits. You don't want Dad involved so he shouldn't have the financial burden if you are taking his rights away.

Otherwise, you start reducing time, at some point you will use it as an excuse to terminate all contact and visits and child will lose their father. If you are ok with that, go for it but you should take the full financial burden if he's no longer Dad.

Some of the behavior is probably because of you.

[Anonymous]

Is dad involved in the child’s mental health counseling? Maybe the counselor can work with dad and kid to find ways to make time at dads better?

In elementary a court is highly unlikely to take a kids custody/visitation wishes seriously. You’re much better off working with dad to find ways to make the visits and transitions easier for the child - unless there is reason to believe that there is real abuse going on and then you need a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kid is probably feeding off your wish for child not to go anymore. There are no signs of abuse or neglect so you aren't going to have a strong case. Kids can tantrum for the other parents benefit. You need to support Dad vs. showing a clear divide and allowing the behavior to happen. Child knows he can tantrum, act up and you give in.

Offer Dad no child support for no visits. You don't want Dad involved so he shouldn't have the financial burden if you are taking his rights away.

Otherwise, you start reducing time, at some point you will use it as an excuse to terminate all contact and visits and child will lose their father. If you are ok with that, go for it but you should take the full financial burden if he's no longer Dad.

Some of the behavior is probably because of you.

How kind of you to assume all of these things. I actually assume the financial cost for our kid ALONE. Dad is supposed to pay, doesn't, I'm tired of fighting, don't even care anymore. Yes, I know there's legal recourse, it's just not worth it spending the rest of my life fighting with someone who won't pay for the most basic needs for their children.

I make sure DC knows that dad loves them and that they should go there. But thanks again for your enlightening, wonderful post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is dad involved in the child’s mental health counseling? Maybe the counselor can work with dad and kid to find ways to make time at dads better?

In elementary a court is highly unlikely to take a kids custody/visitation wishes seriously. You’re much better off working with dad to find ways to make the visits and transitions easier for the child - unless there is reason to believe that there is real abuse going on and then you need a lawyer.

I tried with dad, it's impossible. Dad assumes he does no wrong, I'm exaggerating/lying/etc. It's part of a bigger pattern of emotional abuse that plagued our marriage. I've resigned myself to the fact that all ill in the world is my fault. No, I didn't cheat. He did. And I just cannot keep fighting anymore. The counselor is aware and has been working with dad. I pay for it, too. For the above PP who assumes the money flows in from dad and I'm mean mommy wanting to take away visitation. I don't make more money, either. I just prefer my DC goes to therapy and gets the help they need vs. arguing with dad about funding it.

[Anonymous]

I make sure DC knows that dad loves them and that they should go there. But thanks again for your enlightening, wonderful post.

You need to stop doing this. The dad loves them part. Sounds like your child has a narcissist for a dad. Those symptoms and behaviors are common in kids with narcissist dads. If dad loved the child in any sort of meaningful way your child would not be feeling like this. Stop telling them this is love. It isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I make sure DC knows that dad loves them and that they should go there. But thanks again for your enlightening, wonderful post.

You need to stop doing this. The dad loves them part. Sounds like your child has a narcissist for a dad. Those symptoms and behaviors are common in kids with narcissist dads. If dad loved the child in any sort of meaningful way your child would not be feeling like this. Stop telling them this is love. It isn't.

OK, so what's the solution here? i'm genuinely curious.

[Anonymous]

You are going down the road here of alienating the child from their father. Backing them up in a desire not to be with their father will do that and will encourage them to increase their demands, If you want the child to have a relationship with their father then you need to stick in a united front with the dad through what might be temporary bumps in the relationship with the child. If you were living in the same household you wouldn't take the child's side in a dispute with the other parent.

On the other hand if you believe there is real abuse you can and should move for full custody. Just be aware you are moving to a nuclear option here and don't go nuclear unless the situation demands going nuclear.

[Anonymous]

If a parent refuses to pay child support can visitation be revoked?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I make sure DC knows that dad loves them and that they should go there. But thanks again for your enlightening, wonderful post.

You need to stop doing this. The dad loves them part. Sounds like your child has a narcissist for a dad. Those symptoms and behaviors are common in kids with narcissist dads. If dad loved the child in any sort of meaningful way your child would not be feeling like this. Stop telling them this is love. It isn't.

After 15 years in which I have faithfully said things like "Dad loves you" and "Dad wants to see you" in the face of his behavior that suggests the opposite, I have to say I agree with the above. Despite the fact that everyone advises that you have to pretend that Dad is great all the time in order not to damage the child, in retrospect, I can see that what is actually really damaging is having the one sane and dependable parent telling the child something that is patently at odds with reality. Doing that has damaged my child and damaged my relationship with my child. When a parent lies like this, even with good intentions, it is essentially sending the message that abusive behavior is OK.

I don't put dad down, but I no longer cover for him or pretend that he is showing them love or respect. He offers what he is capable of offering in terms of relationship, and the kids have to choose what they want to put into the relationship. We all have to acknowledge that the relationship with him is not and is never likely to be what we would wish a father/child relationship is nor a coparenting relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I make sure DC knows that dad loves them and that they should go there. But thanks again for your enlightening, wonderful post.

You need to stop doing this. The dad loves them part. Sounds like your child has a narcissist for a dad. Those symptoms and behaviors are common in kids with narcissist dads. If dad loved the child in any sort of meaningful way your child would not be feeling like this. Stop telling them this is love. It isn't.

OK, so what's the solution here? i'm genuinely curious.

If dad won't go to counseling with the child, then maybe you do? Or get some guidance from a counselor on how to deal with this. I agree with the PP. There's a line between encouraging a relationship with the other parent and the kid feeling pressure to acknowledge that the relationship is something it's not. I tend to think if you can come up with something more neutral that lets your child know that you empathize with him, but this is something that is not in your control that he might be able to cope better.

If the resistance continues, I'd consider taking it to court after a long period of documentation. And I'd consider restricting visitation despite court order. I know you can't refuse visitation based on lack of support payments, but might be worth asking an attorney if you can bring it up if your ex sues to enforce visitation. I know some won't agree, but there's gotta be a reason the kid is so upset to go to the dad.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP, I am going through something similar with a 9 year old child who is very resistant to spending weekends with dad. I can tell you I do not believe in forcing children to do anything they put up persistent resistance to. I encourage DD to go and that's it. If she still refuses I accept that. Forcing children to do something they are resistant to doing is treating them as an object and not as a human being with their own thoughts and feelings. It teaches children not to listen to their gut and to just do as they told which increases susceptible to peer pressure and drug use because they are being told to ignore their spidy sense and just do what someone else wants. It sounds like your ex is a narcissist and is trying to enforce something that his child doesn't want likely because he sees-doing this is upsetting to you. I would document your child's refusal and go back to court if the child continues to refuse. Family therapy with a narcissist is never a good idea. Therapy should be a safe place for your child. Hang in there. Lundy Bancroft is an author who has written extensively about this type of person. I would go to his website, lots of good resources and support there. Good luck!.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DC doesn't want to go to dad. They have a very hard time being there, there are tantrums and drama when they go there and when they are back. I don't want to deny dad custody, but I think it'll be better for DC and us if there's less drama with the transition. The divorce is not new, but for the last year, DC has asked that they not go to dad at every visit. There's corporal punishment there, which I think plays a role, but no other obvious signs of abuse, DC sees a mental health professional who is aware. DC is in elementary school. I'm at a loss. I don't know if I should pursue a different schedule where DC spends most of their time with me, or if this is a phase. I in no way want to interfere with the relationship between them and dad, but it seems DC has lots of trouble loving and accepting dad and feel judged and hurt when there. Just let it be? Or try to modify schedule? Will judges care? At what point is the child's preference honored?

Follow up: if you are a child of divorce and this was you, are you happier that you had a choice to live where you wanted? Or do you wish your parents forced a 50/50 schedule?

You think??

As someone who grew up with this nonsense, kid has trouble loving dad and feels judged and hurt because dad hits kid as punishment. I'm serious, it's pretty hard to reconcile as a kid. Keep your kid away until / unless dad can learn to do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I make sure DC knows that dad loves them and that they should go there. But thanks again for your enlightening, wonderful post.

You need to stop doing this. The dad loves them part. Sounds like your child has a narcissist for a dad. Those symptoms and behaviors are common in kids with narcissist dads. If dad loved the child in any sort of meaningful way your child would not be feeling like this. Stop telling them this is love. It isn't.

OK, so what's the solution here? i'm genuinely curious.

If dad won't go to counseling with the child, then maybe you do? Or get some guidance from a counselor on how to deal with this. I agree with the PP. There's a line between encouraging a relationship with the other parent and the kid feeling pressure to acknowledge that the relationship is something it's not. I tend to think if you can come up with something more neutral that lets your child know that you empathize with him, but this is something that is not in your control that he might be able to cope better.

If the resistance continues, I'd consider taking it to court after a long period of documentation. And I'd consider restricting visitation despite court order. I know you can't refuse visitation based on lack of support payments, but might be worth asking an attorney if you can bring it up if your ex sues to enforce visitation. I know some won't agree, but there's gotta be a reason the kid is so upset to go to the dad.

Parent of the year... not. You don't go against a court order and restrict visitation. You child is behaving that way because they want to make you happy and they know you don't want them to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I make sure DC knows that dad loves them and that they should go there. But thanks again for your enlightening, wonderful post.

You need to stop doing this. The dad loves them part. Sounds like your child has a narcissist for a dad. Those symptoms and behaviors are common in kids with narcissist dads. If dad loved the child in any sort of meaningful way your child would not be feeling like this. Stop telling them this is love. It isn't.

OK, so what's the solution here? i'm genuinely curious.

If dad won't go to counseling with the child, then maybe you do? Or get some guidance from a counselor on how to deal with this. I agree with the PP. There's a line between encouraging a relationship with the other parent and the kid feeling pressure to acknowledge that the relationship is something it's not. I tend to think if you can come up with something more neutral that lets your child know that you empathize with him, but this is something that is not in your control that he might be able to cope better.

If the resistance continues, I'd consider taking it to court after a long period of documentation. And I'd consider restricting visitation despite court order. I know you can't refuse visitation based on lack of support payments, but might be worth asking an attorney if you can bring it up if your ex sues to enforce visitation. I know some won't agree, but there's gotta be a reason the kid is so upset to go to the dad.

Parent of the year... not. You don't go against a court order and restrict visitation. You child is behaving that way because they want to make you happy and they know you don't want them to go.

You are so full of shit.