Anyone successfully change custody schedule based on kid's preference? In DC?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I make sure DC knows that dad loves them and that they should go there. But thanks again for your enlightening, wonderful post.

You need to stop doing this. The dad loves them part. Sounds like your child has a narcissist for a dad. Those symptoms and behaviors are common in kids with narcissist dads. If dad loved the child in any sort of meaningful way your child would not be feeling like this. Stop telling them this is love. It isn't.

After 15 years in which I have faithfully said things like "Dad loves you" and "Dad wants to see you" in the face of his behavior that suggests the opposite, I have to say I agree with the above. Despite the fact that everyone advises that you have to pretend that Dad is great all the time in order not to damage the child, in retrospect, I can see that what is actually really damaging is having the one sane and dependable parent telling the child something that is patently at odds with reality. Doing that has damaged my child and damaged my relationship with my child. When a parent lies like this, even with good intentions, it is essentially sending the message that abusive behavior is OK.

I don't put dad down, but I no longer cover for him or pretend that he is showing them love or respect. He offers what he is capable of offering in terms of relationship, and the kids have to choose what they want to put into the relationship. We all have to acknowledge that the relationship with him is not and is never likely to be what we would wish a father/child relationship is nor a coparenting relationship.

This is a really insightful post. PP, how do you talk to your DC about visitation now? When they express their anxiety, do you commiserate or try to make it "go away" by saying, you'll be fine once you get there, you'll have a good time, etc? Or do you say, I'm sorry you have to go?

I've also been completely gas lighting my DC because it is taboo to do otherwise. (Just see the simplistic, knee-jerk posts at 23:28, 13:44 and 3:36 for perfect examples.) My DC just started looking at me like "Oh, please" and I realized how false what I was saying sounded. So I said, "I'm sorry, I'm just trying to make you feel better."

It does force a certain dishonesty onto the parent....