Different treatment of step siblings

[Anonymous]

Does anyone else have a situation where their step siblings are treated differently by your parent and step parent vs how you are treated?

My parents divorced when I was 5 and my dad remarried when I was 10. My step mom has two kids who are 3 and 5 years younger than me. I never really got along with my step mother, but have a good relationship with my step siblings. They lived with my dad and step mom full time and but still saw their bio dad once a week (although he was a total deadbeat). I saw my mom on weekends because she moved to another town and it was too inconvenient with school.

Anyway, my issue is that my step siblings are treated very differently from me in terms of money, which is extremely frustrating since my dad is the one who works hard and makes money, and their mom has never worked. It has been this way since we were kids and only the inequality seems to be getting worse as we have gotten older. Some examples - when I turned 16 my parents made me buy a used car and get a job to pay them back for half of it, while both step siblings received brand new cars and didn't have to pay for any of it. I was fortunate that my father paid for my college, but again I had a part time job to pay for all living expenses/spending money, while both step siblings received full tuition and housing/spending money (they never had any jobs before the end of college). My dad paid for half of my wedding and made me and DH pay the other half, but paid for step sister's full wedding. And he has been footing the bill for my youngest step brother who has never had a real job (which includes buying him a house yet he wouldn't help me out with a down payment for my house when DH and I really could have used some help).

The last straw is that my dad recently re-did his will and is leaving 1/3 of his estate to each of us. This seems absurd to me since I am his biological child and the other two are not. I know all of them stems from my evil step mother, whom I have never gotten along with.

I have tried talking to my father about this but he doesn't want to hear it. Does anyone else think this is extremely unfair? Do you have a similar situation and how do you cope?

[Anonymous]

Their dad is a deadbeat--your dad is their dad for all intents and purposes. Stop it with the estate issue.

Did they have more money when your younger siblings were in high school?

Some of that does sound unfair, but you might need to let it go.

[Anonymous]

Their dad is a deadbeat but they still very much have a relationship with them and are always careful to point out that my dad is not their dad. They grew up in the same house with my dad but I wouldn't say they are particularly close. Also, my dad didn't have more money for them vs. me, it was my step-mom who didn't want him to spoil me (which she would say all the time) but then had no problem spoiling her own kids with his money).

More examples - when my step sister graduated from college they took a lavish European family vacation and didn't even invite me (I was only 25 at the time and not married). I was not allowed to have a sweet 16 because it was "too much" but step sister had a huge party for all her friends that must have cost a fortune. Despite my step sister being married and a grown woman, my step mom still takes her shopping and easily spends $1,000 on her every few months. I am lucky to get a card for my birthday. And both step siblings still get Christmas presents (I am sure my step mom buys them) and I get nothing.

I just can't understand why my dad blatantly allows all of this yet doesn't seem to care that I get nothing.

[Anonymous]

To put it short - life isn't fair.

[Anonymous]

Your dad and stepmom married and then the money is theirs, not just your dad's. Do you know that she had zero money when they married?

When you say their mom has never worked, did she run the household, cook for everyone, clean, etc., maybe made your dad's life better - easier for him to make a living?

Divorce sucks for the kids. Really you have to stop the scorekeeping and live your life the best way you can. We have a lot of unfairness in my family and dh's family! It's shocking that parents can be so unfair, but we can't change it.

We learnt from it and try to keep things "fair" for our young adult kids.

[Anonymous]

OP - try to let it go. Divorce and remarriage are usually a lose-lose for kids and stuff like this is pretty standard. Don't scorekeep - your dad and stepmom aren't going to change or acknowledge their faults. The only person you are hurting is yourself. Have the relationship you want with your dad and ignore his other relationships. Every time I get upset at my DH (normal stuff), I remind myself that I need to protect my family for my kids sake (as well as for me).

[Anonymous]

Yes I get how unfair it is but they have set you up for being successful in life, not waiting for handouts, but earning your own money and being self reliable.
The other two, on the other hand, don't seem like successful people.
Just make it known that you will only provide 1/3 of support for your dad when he is old.

[Anonymous]

I don't think OP should let it go. If the step sibs were biological sibs, such differences in treatment wouldn't be fair. Why is okay just because they're step siblings. I have no problem with equal treatment but that isn't what OP is describing. She should discuss her feelings with her father alone and seek therapy. Father is constantly placing wishes of step mother above his child. Not okay.

[Anonymous]

Your dad doesn't want to hear it because he has accepted some limitations in his marriage.

[Anonymous]

Where is your mother and all of this? Is it possible that your father assumed that you're a mother would provide some support for you as her only child, but understood that his stepchildren's father was a deadbeat as you put it? What has your mother provided you with? Also, what were her parenting views on how much it was appropriate to give to a child?

[Anonymous]

I think the will division is actually ok - I would try to get over that, as it seems he feels like they are his children.

The unequal spending during your lifetimes is annoying, I will grant you that. I wonder if there is an equalization provision in his will? That means that if they received more gifts during his lifetime, then the difference is made up at death to equal everything up.

The thing is, you will probably be better off as a person because you had to work more and were less spoiled, so in the end, the unequal treatment may benefit you

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your stepmom is spending common marital assets on her children - it is her money to spend since she is married.

And then that your dad is not as lavish a person and thus doesnt spend on you.

He probably hoped he was setting the pattern of not getting a 16 year old a new car when he did not get one for you and instead the wife won and got her kids the car, etc.

[Anonymous]

Your issue is with your father. Address it with him only.

[Anonymous]

Before trying to discuss this again with your father, get to a good therapist.

[Anonymous]

You've got to let this go. My DH had two, I had two, we had one together. WE have five kids. I was a SAHM. The kids are adults. OUR money is evenly split between OUR five kids in our wills. There is no step vs bio. We have been married over 20 years.

It makes my DH's ex crazy. And the bitterness has kept her from moving on with her life. My DH is a high earner. She thinks the money should go mostly to her kids. But it doesn't work like that. We are a family. OUR kids will equally share what we leave.