My husband yells at me or the kids at least once a day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP, you are describing my life. I relate to everything you've described about your DH and the changes over time due. Looking back, there were always red flags that I ignored because his anger wasn't directed at me back then. That changed after we had kids and I guess he got more comfortable showing his true colors.

I've spent years making excuses for him and tend to blame myself for his rage. But I finally got a great therapist that was straight with me and she point blank called it what it is: abuse.

I'm trying very hard to get out and it's just making him angrier. He accuses me of being unstable and threatens to take the kids from me.

It's taken me many years to even admit how bad it is and that he will never change. OP, please don't waste your years like I have. Listen to all these other posters that this is abuse and its not your fault.

Adding to my post: my DH is white! Men of all colors and cultures can be jerks.

[Anonymous]

Op I think you will wind up with a medical condition if you stay with this guy. I’m usually against the dcum divorce crowd but in this case I think you need to leave him to save your health and sanity. Just rent an apartment nearby to get some breathing room.

[Anonymous]

OP I only read two pages of replies but there were enough like mine is about to be that I don't feel the need to read more.

You NEED TO LEAVE THIS BEAST!

You are messing up your children by failing to protect them from this kind of terrifying abuse. And it IS TERRIFYING to young children and babies to hear constant screaming and yelling and rage from a primary caregiver, and to feel the anxiety and despair of their mother.

I know, because I grew up the same way, and my weak minded mother found every excuse not to leave - mostly because she wanted the shekels the beast brought home, she wanted the extra luxuries his wages could buy her.

You need to understand that if you have a son, you are likely raising an abuser who will carry his father's rageful abuse and inflict it on your grandchildren.

You need to understand that if you have a daughter, you are likely raising a woman who will either allow herself to be exploited and abused as you are being, or who will never trust a man not to abuse her and so will avoid marriage and motherhood altogether as I did, so as not to EVER be in the trap you are choosing for you and your kids.

When I was just a tiny little child, 3 and 4 and 5 years old, I used to cry myself to sleep listening to my father raging at my mother. I used to dream of how I would rescue her as soon as I was big enough. I used to pray that she would pack us up and move us into a tiny little crappy apartment where we could be free of his rage - where we wouldn't have to live walking on eggshells and wondering when the next explosion of rage would come. And where maybe my brother would stop emulating our 'father' and screaming and yelling at me the way our 'father' screamed and yelled at our mother. (And yes, he is now a full blown abuser of his wife and kids.)

And you need to know OP, that the day will likely come when your kids hate you as much or more as they hate your husband - because you KNEW BETTER, and you chose money over their one chance for a decent childhood.

Open your eyes OP - look at the way 7 billion people on this planet live - many of them raising loved and nurtured kids, even in the slums. You have a privileged life and NO EXCUSE for failing to protect your kids. Start making a real plan NOW to get out, ASAP!

[Anonymous]

Op my spouse has adhd (so does one of our kids). Sure sometimes he forgets stuff and it drives me batty but that’s absolutely no reason to constantly berate, criticize and yell. If anything I’ve learned more patience and not to sweat the small stuff …what you are describing is intolerable and abusive. Once in a while okay we all snap a little sometimes but daily? With no awareness or apology? That would drive me insane. He sounds contemptuous of you which you do not deserve. No one does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An adult who yells at anyone is unacceptable. Yes, we all makes mistakes, so maybe it happens once a decade. But, an adult who yells daily has a serious problem. Draw a boundary. Learn to say, “I understand you’re upset, but it’s unacceptable to yell at me. I am going to walk away and do something else. We can discuss this later when you’re able to do so calmly.”

My spouse raises his voice and yells, often in the car when I'm driving and in front of the young kids.
We try to catch up on things, he doesn't read his emails or texts - then can't find then, then gets angry and bullies me and yells. And of course blames me. for his yelling. "You make me do this."

I've calmly repeated myself: Stop yelling in the car. Stop raising your voice. Take a break, we will resolve the issue when you're calm.

He's scary.

Once I said Stop yelling like a freak, and he yelled about how I was name calling and an awful person. It's like he wants us to get in an accident on the freeway.

He nasty

[Anonymous]

OP, I lived your life. The verbal abuse and controlling behavior gets worse over time.

I was married to a guy like this for 8 years. Over time my spirit was crushed down. He initiated the divorce.

I'm typically anti divorce but verbal abuse is abuse.

Please get some help for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I lived your life. The verbal abuse and controlling behavior gets worse over time.

I was married to a guy like this for 8 years. Over time my spirit was crushed down. He initiated the divorce.

I'm typically anti divorce but verbal abuse is abuse.

Please get some help for yourself.

Did initiate the divorce because you starting calling out his bad behavior? Or he had an affair? Or what?

Curious.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know op, you were a jerk to clear his plate when he hadn’t even had a chance to eat. It’s like you said “thanks cook” instead of treating him like a beloved spouse. Then instead of enjoying the family walk where you could have looked at wildlife or people with their dogs, you start in on him again. If I was him, that’d be the last dinner I ever cooked, and the last family walk I ever went on with you. And, you did this all in front of his mom too. Why?
As for the “delayed eating”, wtf is that? That would be called “being rude” at my house. If a kid wants to wash hands, go potty or even get a tv show on they like that’s fine, what isn’t fine is to not eat when food is served and then call it a fancy name.
Say what you will about your husband, it is very possible for one parent to make it impossible for the other parent to well, parent, very much how it only takes one person to ruin a marriage, or how a spouses friend can really lead the two of you to break up. My guess is that if you did the cooking, this “delayed eating” by your daughter would be a thing of the past real quick. It’s easy to be nice when you haven’t or don’t or won’t lift a finger.

As for you, get your nonsense together, ADD, depression and anxiety, op, you’ve got all your bases covered haven’t you.
Nothing worse than having an adult who won’t do basic adult things, then cries and pouts about it. Anybody would loose it in that situation.
Maybe you can go live with your husband’s mom, op. You seem to like her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I don’t know op, you were a jerk to clear his plate when he hadn’t even had a chance to eat. It’s like you said “thanks cook” instead of treating him like a beloved spouse. Then instead of enjoying the family walk where you could have looked at wildlife or people with their dogs, you start in on him again. If I was him, that’d be the last dinner I ever cooked, and the last family walk I ever went on with you. And, you did this all in front of his mom too. Why?
As for the “delayed eating”, wtf is that? That would be called “being rude” at my house. If a kid wants to wash hands, go potty or even get a tv show on they like that’s fine, what isn’t fine is to not eat when food is served and then call it a fancy name.
Say what you will about your husband, it is very possible for one parent to make it impossible for the other parent to well, parent, very much how it only takes one person to ruin a marriage, or how a spouses friend can really lead the two of you to break up. My guess is that if you did the cooking, this “delayed eating” by your daughter would be a thing of the past real quick. It’s easy to be nice when you haven’t or don’t or won’t lift a finger.

As for you, get your nonsense together, ADD, depression and anxiety, op, you’ve got all your bases covered haven’t you.
Nothing worse than having an adult who won’t do basic adult things, then cries and pouts about it. Anybody would loose it in that situation.
Maybe you can go live with your husband’s mom, op. You seem to like her.

Your assessment isn't wrong. OP clearly has work to do abd they have an unhealthy cycle going on. But I have a problem with the way DH reacts. Feel free to get angry, irritated, etc. But that doesn't excuse verbal abuse. Never acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I don’t know op, you were a jerk to clear his plate when he hadn’t even had a chance to eat. It’s like you said “thanks cook” instead of treating him like a beloved spouse. Then instead of enjoying the family walk where you could have looked at wildlife or people with their dogs, you start in on him again. If I was him, that’d be the last dinner I ever cooked, and the last family walk I ever went on with you. And, you did this all in front of his mom too. Why?
As for the “delayed eating”, wtf is that? That would be called “being rude” at my house. If a kid wants to wash hands, go potty or even get a tv show on they like that’s fine, what isn’t fine is to not eat when food is served and then call it a fancy name.
Say what you will about your husband, it is very possible for one parent to make it impossible for the other parent to well, parent, very much how it only takes one person to ruin a marriage, or how a spouses friend can really lead the two of you to break up. My guess is that if you did the cooking, this “delayed eating” by your daughter would be a thing of the past real quick. It’s easy to be nice when you haven’t or don’t or won’t lift a finger.

As for you, get your nonsense together, ADD, depression and anxiety, op, you’ve got all your bases covered haven’t you.
Nothing worse than having an adult who won’t do basic adult things, then cries and pouts about it. Anybody would loose it in that situation.
Maybe you can go live with your husband’s mom, op. You seem to like her.

Your assessment isn't wrong. OP clearly has work to do abd they have an unhealthy cycle going on. But I have a problem with the way DH reacts. Feel free to get angry, irritated, etc. But that doesn't excuse verbal abuse. Never acceptable.

I take back my agreement with your assessment. I went back.and read the original post. She didn't throw away his food...he said he was done! I'm back on OPs side 100%

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry to hear this. I witnessed this growing up and realized my mom's self esteem being low is what got her into that kind of marriage. Your full dependency on this man feeds into his toxicity. I hope you are able to find a therapist online. It helps a lot! The hardest part is acknowledging our own poor choices and learning to choose better. The sooner, the safer for everyone in your family. God bless!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP, you are describing my life. I relate to everything you've described about your DH and the changes over time due. Looking back, there were always red flags that I ignored because his anger wasn't directed at me back then. That changed after we had kids and I guess he got more comfortable showing his true colors.

I've spent years making excuses for him and tend to blame myself for his rage. But I finally got a great therapist that was straight with me and she point blank called it what it is: abuse.

I'm trying very hard to get out and it's just making him angrier. He accuses me of being unstable and threatens to take the kids from me.

It's taken me many years to even admit how bad it is and that he will never change. OP, please don't waste your years like I have. Listen to all these other posters that this is abuse and its not your fault.

Adding to my post: my DH is white! Men of all colors and cultures can be jerks.

Mentally disordered abusers are the worst .

US court system doesn’t care either.

Do whatever you have to do. You are not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry to hear this. I witnessed this growing up and realized my mom's self esteem being low is what got her into that kind of marriage. Your full dependency on this man feeds into his toxicity. I hope you are able to find a therapist online. It helps a lot! The hardest part is acknowledging our own poor choices and learning to choose better. The sooner, the safer for everyone in your family. God bless!

No no no. Oh please. You mean mental boy played nice until he locked in his victim?!

op has nothing but bad options.

Coparenting is the an abuser is horrible as is living with an abuser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An adult who yells at anyone is unacceptable. Yes, we all makes mistakes, so maybe it happens once a decade. But, an adult who yells daily has a serious problem. Draw a boundary. Learn to say, “I understand you’re upset, but it’s unacceptable to yell at me. I am going to walk away and do something else. We can discuss this later when you’re able to do so calmly.”

Agree. OP, this is a huge problem. Not great to “lose it” ever, but if this were even once a year or something, then you have a tough conversation and work on it. Every day? that’s abusive, a huge anger management problem, and a dangerous situation for you and your kids. You say you can’t afford to leave, but this will do permanent damage to your kids, so you can’t stay in this.

[Anonymous]

Why didn’t you change the diaper if you were done and he was still eating? Then you cleared his plate. You are not so innocent.