My sister sucks the air out of the room

[Anonymous]

Ok, not literally. But she's one of those people with a "big personality" who tends to take over a gathering in a way that makes it all about her. A friend likened it to inflating a bounce house inside your house. That is my sister. She can be fun, especially if you are meeting her for the first time, but 40+ years in, I just find her exhausting. Can anyone relate? Any way to deal with someone like this, other than to avoid her?

[Anonymous]

from my understanding, my sister feels the same way about me as you feel about your sister. we are estranged now (outside of when i see her once a year at my parents' house).

i will refrain from telling my story because you are asking from the other perspective. but if you want what could be your sister's perspective, i will weigh in.

good luck in figuring this out. dealing with family is almost never easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:from my understanding, my sister feels the same way about me as you feel about your sister. we are estranged now (outside of when i see her once a year at my parents' house).

i will refrain from telling my story because you are asking from the other perspective. but if you want what could be your sister's perspective, i will weigh in.

good luck in figuring this out. dealing with family is almost never easy.

OP here. Please do tell your story. I'd like to hear another perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:from my understanding, my sister feels the same way about me as you feel about your sister. we are estranged now (outside of when i see her once a year at my parents' house).

i will refrain from telling my story because you are asking from the other perspective. but if you want what could be your sister's perspective, i will weigh in.

good luck in figuring this out. dealing with family is almost never easy.

OP here. Please do tell your story. I'd like to hear another perspective.

ok. thanks for the invite, and here goes.

the one thing that my sister and i can agree on is that we did not grow up in a happy home. think angry and emotionally abusive father whose love felt conditional, and an overbearing mom who tried to make up for dad's shortcomings while never defending us to him.

i am the older sister. in my sister's eyes, i was the more socially gifted one whose life and friends came easily. she was much more introverted and self flagellating and had problems in the social department, while i turned my internal angst about my childhood into being aggressively funny and loud so that people would see that i was a person who existed, since my dad made me feel like i didn't.

my sister routinely accused me of trying to steal her friends when they came over to play because i would chat and laugh with them. this was not the case from my perspective - i was 10 or 11 years old, there was a new person in my house who was not tormented, and i liked to talk. so instead i started ignoring her friends (other than saying hello) when they were over to make my sister feel better.

years later, into adulthood, my sister STILL accused me of trying to steal her friends and making everything about me. this is after years of taking phone calls from her where she did 100% of the talking about her life and did not once ask about my life until i was 28 years old. i remember the day she first asked me a question about my life, i was so shocked but happy that she was actually thinking about me. i had resigned myself to the fact that having a relationship with my little sister (2 years younger) was going to be all about her because that is how she functioned, and i was the bigger sister and was supposed to look out for her, so i took the hit and expected no support from her in return.

in the end, she thinks that i have lived a charmed life, social-wise, and she resents it. never mind that i had a lot of internal angst, feelings of very low self worth, and being taught that i had to prove myself to be strong to earn basic love and respect from my parents. that i could not be loved just by being a human being, and their child. i have never known what unconditional love feels like. my sister feels these things too, but internalizes them differently, and just does not believe that i struggle with this as well even though we have the same family origin.

once i had kids, i got really tired of being blamed for the same kind of shit for the past 25 years. if she thinks i am selfish and i am making it all about myself, well, now i have a DH and kids to whom i give my attention and i will live up to her expectations and interpretations of who i am, mainly because i am tired of fighting and defending myself to somebody who considers herself to be blameless.

i am leaving out a lot of detail, and i am leaving out the final fight that led to our estrangement. but suffice it to say that my DH has witnessed a lot of the interactions with my sister in our 15 years together and, in the end, he supports me in not having contact with her outside of the yearly get together with my parents.

i have NO idea, OP, how this will help you in moving forward with your sister. i have no idea about your family background and if your sister developed her behavior in a way to cope with other things in life that are very painful. i have no idea about you, OP, your personality, or how you really feel about your sister other than she annoys you with her larger than life personality. just remember that your sister is a person too, with lots of feelings, and if you can give her a break and accept her for who she is, that will go a long way for both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, not literally. But she's one of those people with a "big personality" who tends to take over a gathering in a way that makes it all about her. A friend likened it to inflating a bounce house inside your house. That is my sister. She can be fun, especially if you are meeting her for the first time, but 40+ years in, I just find her exhausting. Can anyone relate? Any way to deal with someone like this, other than to avoid her?

This is my SIL, exactly. Exhausting to be around because it's all about her. I minimally engage. Change the topic. Or at least try to. And when that doesn't work, I sit politely for as long as I can take it and then excuse myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:from my understanding, my sister feels the same way about me as you feel about your sister. we are estranged now (outside of when i see her once a year at my parents' house).

i will refrain from telling my story because you are asking from the other perspective. but if you want what could be your sister's perspective, i will weigh in.

good luck in figuring this out. dealing with family is almost never easy.

This makes me sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:from my understanding, my sister feels the same way about me as you feel about your sister. we are estranged now (outside of when i see her once a year at my parents' house).

i will refrain from telling my story because you are asking from the other perspective. but if you want what could be your sister's perspective, i will weigh in.

good luck in figuring this out. dealing with family is almost never easy.

This makes me sad.

it is sad. but it is best for me at this time. i shared my story (very disjointed and incomplete, of course, since it is only from my perspective and i didn't share my years of therapy) above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:from my understanding, my sister feels the same way about me as you feel about your sister. we are estranged now (outside of when i see her once a year at my parents' house).

i will refrain from telling my story because you are asking from the other perspective. but if you want what could be your sister's perspective, i will weigh in.

good luck in figuring this out. dealing with family is almost never easy.

OP here. Please do tell your story. I'd like to hear another perspective.

ok. thanks for the invite, and here goes.

the one thing that my sister and i can agree on is that we did not grow up in a happy home. think angry and emotionally abusive father whose love felt conditional, and an overbearing mom who tried to make up for dad's shortcomings while never defending us to him.

i am the older sister. in my sister's eyes, i was the more socially gifted one whose life and friends came easily. she was much more introverted and self flagellating and had problems in the social department, while i turned my internal angst about my childhood into being aggressively funny and loud so that people would see that i was a person who existed, since my dad made me feel like i didn't.

my sister routinely accused me of trying to steal her friends when they came over to play because i would chat and laugh with them. this was not the case from my perspective - i was 10 or 11 years old, there was a new person in my house who was not tormented, and i liked to talk. so instead i started ignoring her friends (other than saying hello) when they were over to make my sister feel better.

years later, into adulthood, my sister STILL accused me of trying to steal her friends and making everything about me. this is after years of taking phone calls from her where she did 100% of the talking about her life and did not once ask about my life until i was 28 years old. i remember the day she first asked me a question about my life, i was so shocked but happy that she was actually thinking about me. i had resigned myself to the fact that having a relationship with my little sister (2 years younger) was going to be all about her because that is how she functioned, and i was the bigger sister and was supposed to look out for her, so i took the hit and expected no support from her in return.

in the end, she thinks that i have lived a charmed life, social-wise, and she resents it. never mind that i had a lot of internal angst, feelings of very low self worth, and being taught that i had to prove myself to be strong to earn basic love and respect from my parents. that i could not be loved just by being a human being, and their child. i have never known what unconditional love feels like. my sister feels these things too, but internalizes them differently, and just does not believe that i struggle with this as well even though we have the same family origin.

once i had kids, i got really tired of being blamed for the same kind of shit for the past 25 years. if she thinks i am selfish and i am making it all about myself, well, now i have a DH and kids to whom i give my attention and i will live up to her expectations and interpretations of who i am, mainly because i am tired of fighting and defending myself to somebody who considers herself to be blameless.

i am leaving out a lot of detail, and i am leaving out the final fight that led to our estrangement. but suffice it to say that my DH has witnessed a lot of the interactions with my sister in our 15 years together and, in the end, he supports me in not having contact with her outside of the yearly get together with my parents.

i have NO idea, OP, how this will help you in moving forward with your sister. i have no idea about your family background and if your sister developed her behavior in a way to cope with other things in life that are very painful. i have no idea about you, OP, your personality, or how you really feel about your sister other than she annoys you with her larger than life personality. just remember that your sister is a person too, with lots of feelings, and if you can give her a break and accept her for who she is, that will go a long way for both of you.

OP here again. Thanks for sharing your story. My sister and I have a different history and different issues, but it's always helpful to get a fresh and different perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:from my understanding, my sister feels the same way about me as you feel about your sister. we are estranged now (outside of when i see her once a year at my parents' house).

i will refrain from telling my story because you are asking from the other perspective. but if you want what could be your sister's perspective, i will weigh in.

good luck in figuring this out. dealing with family is almost never easy.

OP here. Please do tell your story. I'd like to hear another perspective.

ok. thanks for the invite, and here goes.

the one thing that my sister and i can agree on is that we did not grow up in a happy home. think angry and emotionally abusive father whose love felt conditional, and an overbearing mom who tried to make up for dad's shortcomings while never defending us to him.

i am the older sister. in my sister's eyes, i was the more socially gifted one whose life and friends came easily. she was much more introverted and self flagellating and had problems in the social department, while i turned my internal angst about my childhood into being aggressively funny and loud so that people would see that i was a person who existed, since my dad made me feel like i didn't.

my sister routinely accused me of trying to steal her friends when they came over to play because i would chat and laugh with them. this was not the case from my perspective - i was 10 or 11 years old, there was a new person in my house who was not tormented, and i liked to talk. so instead i started ignoring her friends (other than saying hello) when they were over to make my sister feel better.

years later, into adulthood, my sister STILL accused me of trying to steal her friends and making everything about me. this is after years of taking phone calls from her where she did 100% of the talking about her life and did not once ask about my life until i was 28 years old. i remember the day she first asked me a question about my life, i was so shocked but happy that she was actually thinking about me. i had resigned myself to the fact that having a relationship with my little sister (2 years younger) was going to be all about her because that is how she functioned, and i was the bigger sister and was supposed to look out for her, so i took the hit and expected no support from her in return.

in the end, she thinks that i have lived a charmed life, social-wise, and she resents it. never mind that i had a lot of internal angst, feelings of very low self worth, and being taught that i had to prove myself to be strong to earn basic love and respect from my parents. that i could not be loved just by being a human being, and their child. i have never known what unconditional love feels like. my sister feels these things too, but internalizes them differently, and just does not believe that i struggle with this as well even though we have the same family origin.

once i had kids, i got really tired of being blamed for the same kind of shit for the past 25 years. if she thinks i am selfish and i am making it all about myself, well, now i have a DH and kids to whom i give my attention and i will live up to her expectations and interpretations of who i am, mainly because i am tired of fighting and defending myself to somebody who considers herself to be blameless.

i am leaving out a lot of detail, and i am leaving out the final fight that led to our estrangement. but suffice it to say that my DH has witnessed a lot of the interactions with my sister in our 15 years together and, in the end, he supports me in not having contact with her outside of the yearly get together with my parents.

i have NO idea, OP, how this will help you in moving forward with your sister. i have no idea about your family background and if your sister developed her behavior in a way to cope with other things in life that are very painful. i have no idea about you, OP, your personality, or how you really feel about your sister other than she annoys you with her larger than life personality. just remember that your sister is a person too, with lots of feelings, and if you can give her a break and accept her for who she is, that will go a long way for both of you.

OP here again. Thanks for sharing your story. My sister and I have a different history and different issues, but it's always helpful to get a fresh and different perspective.

of course. i wish you the best!!!!!

[Anonymous]

This is going to be blunt. I just have to *massive eyeroll* at the PP who stated that she was the same as the OP's sister, then proceeded, at OP's request, to suck the life out of this post. Start your own post, PP. This is about OP.

OP, I'd accept that this is who she is and take her in limited doses. It must feel crazy for her to be her. Possibly she's manic, or a narcissist, or overcompensating for self-esteem issues, or she's a people pleaser, or she's uncomfortable with silences and has to fill them. Who knows. If you are close enough, and she admits/agrees that she does this and needs help (ie, if this topic has been previously well-travelled in the past by you or your sibs and it's accepted all around as fact, even by sister) then maybe you could establish a gentle codeword or look you can give her to rein it in when she's dominating the social situation.

If she's not aware/not self-reflective enough to realize sucks the air out, like the PP, then I suggest you merely enjoy her "charm" in limited doses.

[Anonymous]

i was very close to my brother (he's 4 years older) growing up, and looked up to him like anything. We traveled together, lived together, he helped me with my work, introduced me to music, food, technology, all cool things. Then in his 20s his life stalled. his business went kaput -- then another business-- his engagement fell through, etc. Through this time I was becoming independent through my own struggles. we grew apart. He grew increasingly dependent on my parents financially, and he seemed socially isolated. Flash forward several years. I have 2 children and a career, and he has neither. He lives with my parents and is taking care of them in old age. I believe he is manic, or possibly manic depressive, or suffers some other mental illness. We argue about that. He does suck up all the air in the room. He has always been different, but it used to be in a funny, cool way, now it is very annoying and can even be upsetting. But for my mother's sake (she is dying), I need to set aside my differences with my brother and make peace. I have been mean to him because I thought being direct and blunt would be a way to make him get the help he needs. But it hasn't worked. Luckily our parents will leave him some money to live on. I still love my brother deeply though, and recognize that he has been struggling with a condition I cant understand and he doesn't have the self awareness, but he does love me and it hurts him when I am mean to him.

be nice to your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is going to be blunt. I just have to *massive eyeroll* at the PP who stated that she was the same as the OP's sister, then proceeded, at OP's request, to suck the life out of this post. Start your own post, PP. This is about OP.

OP, I'd accept that this is who she is and take her in limited doses. It must feel crazy for her to be her. Possibly she's manic, or a narcissist, or overcompensating for self-esteem issues, or she's a people pleaser, or she's uncomfortable with silences and has to fill them. Who knows. If you are close enough, and she admits/agrees that she does this and needs help (ie, if this topic has been previously well-travelled in the past by you or your sibs and it's accepted all around as fact, even by sister) then maybe you could establish a gentle codeword or look you can give her to rein it in when she's dominating the social situation.

If she's not aware/not self-reflective enough to realize sucks the air out, like the PP, then I suggest you merely enjoy her "charm" in limited doses.

OP dis ask her to share, so your eye rolling is misplaced. I don't have a dog in this fight, but she did offer a different side to the story.

[Anonymous]

NP here - thank you "air-sucking" PP for telling your story. Hopefully your sister will appreciate one day that you listened to her for so many years.

I have an "air-sucking" friend. Since I'm the type to listen, for a while we got along wonderfully. However after many years I see that she needs to tone it down - I've heard all her childhood stories, I've heard all her current angsts, I can predict the next thing that will throw her for a loop and how many seconds I will have to get a word in about my own life.

The interesting thing is that it all boils down to anxiety and low-self-esteem. Anxiety about themselves or their spouses or children, plus low confidence that they're handling it right. They need to talk about it and seek external validation all the time. It's exhausting, exactly like OP said.

I love my friend - she is intelligent and generous. In small doses

[Anonymous]

My husband has a friend (female) like this. I dread her coming over. She is so bossy, talks all the time, thinks she knows everything. I am an expert in my field, but she will go on and on about things in my field, things that I know are wrong. I find it impossible to interrupt her, even when she is speaking about my field of expertise, to inject some actual knowledge. She is very loud. Sometimes she wants to take me shopping, and she insists of picking everything I buy (she has little money) and will take things I have chosen out of my basket and put it back on the shelf. She is, however, quite charming when you first meet her. She is a professional musician, very articulate, and projects self confidence. But, honestly, I just can not bear her up close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, not literally. But she's one of those people with a "big personality" who tends to take over a gathering in a way that makes it all about her. A friend likened it to inflating a bounce house inside your house. That is my sister. She can be fun, especially if you are meeting her for the first time, but 40+ years in, I just find her exhausting. Can anyone relate? Any way to deal with someone like this, other than to avoid her?

Have you ever tried telling her to shut up?