The line between teen moodiness and depression
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Anonymous
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So my dd just turned 13. And she just got her first period. Lots of changes.
But, I'm getting a little concerned and am having difficulty figuring out what is hormonal/normal and what, if anything, is more alarming. In the last few months she has: -- Quit her travel sport team -- Taken to spending huge amounts of time in her room -- would rather binge-watch Netflix or Minecraft than interact with friends -- Seems to have developed severe anxiety -- Complains more of illness and missed a lot of school. One day she just flat-out refused to go to school. I definitely have the sense that she now believes that getting her period means at least one day out for cramps, etc. As a Dad, it's kind of hard for me to argue with this, even though I know rationally that's not something that should become a habitual expectation. -- Begs to be home-schooled. -- Needs better coaxing to complete things. It's like she gives up when anything starts to get hard. She assures us there's no bullying or anything at school -- I think she may just be overwhelmed. She went in to meet with the counselor the day she refused to go, so at least the school counselor is involved. But, we're also getting e-mails from teachers who observe that her once bubbly self has turned more subdued. They are also concerned. She is an introvert -- always has been. And she's a straight-A student in advanced classes, so it's not like her work is suffering. But, when she starts refusing to go to school, that's concerning.g I've told my DW I want to screen her for depression but DW is adamantly opposed. She swears it's just hormonal and normal. It very well be, but I don't see the harm in an evaluation. Anyone else BTDT? |
Anonymous
You listed a TON of things, so I'm going to address it point by point. 13 with her first period, feeling that everyone can tell, feeling that she's dirty, cramping hurts... Normal. Thinking that she'll be able to take off at least 1 day per month because she's cramping isn't normal. At the first sign of her period, she needs to drink more water, avoid caffeine, eat more iron (red meat, raisins, spinach, liver though it's doubtful she would eat it). She needs to medicate before she starts feeling the cramping, and if she uses something that contains a muscle relaxant, not jut a pain reliever, she'll be able to go through her days like normal. One 12 hour dose when she gets up, the next dose should be due after she gets out of school. Lots of kids decide to quit travel in middle or high school. Sometimes it's too much to deal with sports, school an having a life. Sometimes it's because they're realistic about their ability. Sometimes they quit because they only did it for the parent. The only way you will find out why is to talk to your daughter, and make sure that you are calm. You want to know why she quit so that you can help her learn to deal with being a teen, not to call her decision into question. If she's an introvert, the time spent by herself in her room is so that she can recharge, so I wouldn't be concerned with that. The length of time would imply that social dynamics have become more difficult, so she needs longer to recharge, or she may not have the ability to tell when she's had enough time to herself yet. Severe anxiety rates immediately finding a counselor outside of school. You need to know what to do to help her, she needs to know that you are willing and able to help. Most kids complain about school and try to skip school at least a few times. If she's refusing to go to school without even pretending to be sick and she's begging to be homeschooled, it's not just a case of a kid who didn't study for a test. If her schedule is still overwhelming even after quitting travel, you and DW need to talk to the school counselor with her and see what you can do to make it manageable. Not easy, but manageable. If the anxiety gets very. very bad and nothing is done about it, she could need to be homeschooled, so step in now and see what you can do to help. Straight A students in advanced classes who want to be there, who have the drive to complete the work don't refuse to go to school on a regular basis unless something is wrong. Trust your instincts. Have the school counselor talk to DW asap, because refusing to have an evaluation could mean that an issue is left untreated for way too long. Lots of kids want to give up when things get harder. Model working through things. Model ways to make things easier or more efficient. Find out if her organization is making things harder for herself. Find out why she's suddenly quitting everything. Talk to the school and out-of-school counselors about her lack of drive to finish things, and see what they recommend. If teachers are noticing an extreme change in temperament, they are reaching out because they are worried about anxiety, depression or even suicide. Look online for a list of cues that suicidal teens give, and see how your daughter is matching up. She may not currently be at that point, but she obviously needs help. I work with teens and preteens as a nanny, tutor and in volunteering. When one goes through such a rapid and extreme change in temperament, it's the adult responsibility to reach of to the child (frequently they're bouncing back and forth between adult and child-like thoughts) while also looking for professional help. I wish you luck, OP, and I hope it works out soon. Please update us when you know what's going on. |
Anonymous
You are very kind PP. Not OP, but sending hugs to you. |
Anonymous
| Its extremely hard to tell. I mean, look at Columbine for example. (No i'm not saying anything about your daughter) Sue Klebold thought Dylan was just a typical moody teen and had no idea how depressed he was. |
Anonymous
Well her alarm (DW) might be in the prospect of drugs rated for adults being dispensed to a child. Two friends of ours had kids who killed themselves a month into their new scrips that were supposed to help. Yes, the meds are needed by some but especially with teens they aren't recommended for them for a reason. A lot of counselors/psychs are very into the drugs (many are in them and the profession is very pro). A regular therapist sounds like a good idea though if DD is open to it? Just sit down with the therapist and have some guidelines first? Be careful in finding one she would like? If DD isn't interested though not sure what you can do. Also - hello? New school! When our DD asked to be homeschooled we found her a new school and she's way happier. I'm not opposed to homeschooling but we have an introvert too and didn't think it was wise. Find a small school with friendly kids for an introvert. Where are you? What about sandy Spring friends? |
Anonymous
The lack of regular exercise whereas she used to be getting that in travel sports can also trigger a depression. My teen daughter injured herself and couldn't play and just sat around and her mood went straight to hell it was awful. I told her that she needs to incorporate exercise regularly into her life because apparently she needs that. Exercise is a natural antidepressant for many. Can she find a different way to exercise? Exercise class at the gym? Running? Going for a swim? New sport? |
Anonymous
Why did she quit? Did her decision to quit make sense? (E.g taking too much time, generally lost interest in the sport, she was struggling with the expectations.)
On some level this is normal. When she's playing minecraft, does she play solo or on a group server? Is she interacting with people-through-technology and just not hanging out in person? Being freed up from participation in a travel sport means she suddenly has a lot of time for this sort of stuff that she didn't have before. That's ok. It also really is normal for teens to want to spend a lot of time in their rooms. If she's not maintaining any friendships at all, I'd try to figure that out. If her primary friendships were through her sport, she might need help in cultivating new friendships. Supporting study groups from school, going to see a movie with a friend, maybe encourage her to join a club or other extra curricular.
This I would worry about. Does your wife also see the anxiety? I'd want to get her evaluated. Even maybe just offer your daughter the opportunity to talk to someone else. Untreated anxiety seriously interferes with life in all sorts of ways. This is a red flag.
Her period could be causing her serious discomfort (physical, emotional, social). Make sure she knows there are things she can do to help herself. Medication is useful. During her period is also when I let my teenager drink fancy coffees or caffeinated sodas because the sugar and caffeine help boost pain relief. And, let's face it, your period sucks so you might as well have something special to help you through the day. Exercise is helpful. If she's in serious amounts of pain and really feels like she can't function, see a doctor. I had friends who went on birth control "young" because their periods were physically awful for them, and it helped. There are options.
Does she say why? Or is this one of the things you think is a symptom of the anxiety?
This is both normal, and can also be a sign of anxiety. Is there anything that she'll push herself in?
This doesn't worry your wife? I can understand being a bit "she's a teenager, she's going through a lot of changes" but when her teachers who see classrooms of teenagers daily are saying that your particular child seems to be going through something more, something noticeable beyond regular-teenishness, I think that would be a red flag.
I'd want her screened for anxiety and depression. Your wife is opposed, why? If it's hormonal and normal, you've lost what, exactly? And this could be on the far edge of normal, or it could be a sign that your child's struggling right now and could use some extra supports. She might just need someone to talk to, someone to help give her some ways to calm herself down or quiet a racing mind. Or she might need some medication to help her through a particularly rough patch. If she had hurt herself playing her sport, you might have taken a day or even a couple to see if she could walk it off. But when she's still nursing an ankle 4 weeks later, you'd probably take her to see someone even just to make sure nothing serious was going on. This is no different. |
Anonymous
And yes my DD is similar. She loves her school though so that snd the activities there keep her reasonably socially engaged. It's surprising how many of them, especially the good students, just want to destress with Netflix rather than socialize. I'd turn off the Netflix account and the Internet too (phone?) if there's stuff she's supposed to do that she isn't doing. I wouldn't manage her school work if she's in high school but things like chords or getting out of the house yes (does she have a community service project she can work on? A school hobby? Being in the play, the band, the track team ? Something?). And find a school that she likes better |
Anonymous
Chores not chords (I have to turn autocorrect off) |
Anonymous
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I think that since it was such an abrupt and screeching change that SOMETHING has happened. And I'm going to guess it is travel team related. Her not wanting (refusing at times) to go to school is a sudden and dramatic shift for her.
I think she needs something else - a new focus. Dance lessons, horseback riding, weight training or some other kind of class at the gym. What does she like to do? |
Anonymous
OP here. Thanks for this... The travel team may have been quitting in spite of my enthusiasm for it -- I own that. But the advance course work at school is entirely her doing. We resisted advanced math, for example, but she insisted on it and seems much happier now that she's in that class. All your other points are very salient and I appreciate the thoughtful response. |
Anonymous
Yes we are looking for new schools. However, private would involve a complete reordering of our lives to be able to afford it, including selling the house. |
Anonymous
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OP here again. Have read all the thoughtful responses. Thank you.
The social anxiety worries me. Quitting the team was related in large part to social dynamics. She never felt like she belonged so basically just had enough. That's fine. I get it. I did tell her she had to do something else -- play the same sport at a rec level, try a different team sport or individual sport. But she is resisting those things. To the person who raised the flags about the drugs - I share your concern. I'm not eager to medicate her, either. I just want a professional evaluation from someone who can tell me "yeah, there's a problem here" or "don't worry -- all of this is very normal.!" And, we're looking for another school. But that's kind of tricky since school size contributes to her issues, and smaller options are very expensive and, frankly, out of reach financially without some dramatic change in our lifestyle. I'm willing to make those dramatic changes, but we cannot snap our fingers and make it happen overnight since it would involve selling the house and moving somewhere cheaper. |
Anonymous
13yrs old was BY FAR the worst year of my daughter's life. They all look forward to becoming a teen and then think they need to decide who they are during their "adult teen years" when really they have no idea and it really bothers them. Hormones raging, bodies changing. Once loyal friends go off into different groups attempting to change themselves or better themselves. Peer pressure is tough. Not in an in-your-face way but more subliminal. Never feeling good about yourself. It sucks. The only part that concerns me in your post is "begs to be homeschooled" There is something going on. As much as kids hate this age and sometimes hate school, there should be a need to see some friends sometimes. Does she at least have a few good friends? |
Anonymous
You don't have to do private and if you did, you can get FA. Don't uproot your lives for a change. Ask the county/district you are in for a change. But I have to say, sometimes doing TOO much (psych eval, changing schools etc...) could backfire and make her think she is crazy and unable to handle things when in fact she is just having a hard time adjusting to her period/teens/social changes. |