How to be closer to DD (age 11) if I'm stretched thin (working and with 3 kids)?

[Anonymous]

I wish I had a closer relationship with my DD (age 11)

We have three kids – ages 13, 11, and 6.

I feel close to my oldest and my youngest, but I don’t feel close to my middle child (DD age 11 – a 5th grader).

I know that part of it is that I work full-time. I wish so much I could be there for the kids right after school. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my job, and I do feel lucky to have a good interesting job that pays well and does not require travel. (My DH and I each make $150K per year.) We could get by on DH’s income but we are trying to build up a nest egg so that we all have a cushion (and so that we hope our kids have a cushion that they can pass on).

We have a long-time babysitter who helps with the kids after school while I work. In the summers, they seem to like doing a combo of day camps, 2 weeks of sleep-away camp, and a few weeks of vacation.

I genuinely try to spend every free moment with the kids and be the best mom possible. But with 3 kids, I feel I am stretched thin. My DH is a good father and he is pretty close to our 11-year-old.

I sometimes wonder if my DD is a bit depressed, even though she is only 11 years old. Despite having a stable family life and a nice school to attend, she seems kind of blue generally. She has always been this way! I remember that, even at age 2-3, my grandmother commented that DD was “such a somber child.” I still remember her saying those words even though it was about 9 years ago!

At this age (11), so many of DD’s friends are such cheerful and upbreat girls. In contrast, my DD is a bit more negative. She can be openly critical of me in front of her friends, as if she thinks it’s cool to criticize your mom.

She finds school pretty easy and therefore claims it’s boring. Unlike me as a kid, she does not seem to care about pleasing the teacher. She’ll do a slapdash job on homework and just turn it in. Her grades are OK, but not outstanding because she just doesn’t want to put in the effort. Her teachers over the years seem to like her, but not love her.

I don’t know if this suggests anxiety on DD's part, but she does need to use the bathroom more often than most kids. When we are on an outing, for example, she’ll use the bathroom 2x in a 90-minute trip to the mall. (She goes all night without using the bathroom, but often goes at least every hour during the school day).

I have heard that the elementary school years are the “golden years” for parents because the kids are independent and yet enjoy spending time with you. My DD seems to enjoy being with me, but also can be critical of me (making fun of my attempts to suggest ideas for things we can do.) I’m kind of dreading the teenage years, if this is what 11 years old is like.

My mom worked full-time when I was a kid, and we have a pretty close relationship. I am praying that will be possible for my DD and me someday. I see some of my DD’s friends with their stay-at-home moms and I wish so very much that I had that type of close relationship with my DD.

I have suggested to the kids that I could become a SAHM if we moved to a more distant suburb. Both my 13—year-old and my 11-year-old opposed the idea, mostly because they said that they’d like to keep their current friends. (My 6-year-old liked the idea.)

Any advice on how to be close with your DD even if you work full-time and are stretched thin with a family of 3 kids, especially if your DD does not have the standard upbreat personality? Thank you.

[Anonymous]

May be totally off base here, but that bathroom thing flagged a warning bell in my head. What's her weight like? Is this a binge/purge situation??

[Anonymous]

OP here. Definitely not a binge/purge situation. She is a normal weight and eats normally. She's been a frequent bathroom user since at least 1st or 2nd grade.

[Anonymous]

Honestly it probably wouldn't be any different if you were at home, especially since it sounds like you are close to your other two kids. It may just be that your temperaments and personalities are different, and you don't feel as connected. There's nothing wrong with that, and it doesn't mean you love her any less -- you just have to make more of an effort to connect, whereas it just comes more naturally with your other two. Being at home wouldn't necessarily change that.
As long as you continue to make that effort, and taking some time one-on-one when you can, then you're doing well. I'm sure she knows you love her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly it probably wouldn't be any different if you were at home, especially since it sounds like you are close to your other two kids. It may just be that your temperaments and personalities are different, and you don't feel as connected. There's nothing wrong with that, and it doesn't mean you love her any less -- you just have to make more of an effort to connect, whereas it just comes more naturally with your other two. Being at home wouldn't necessarily change that.
As long as you continue to make that effort, and taking some time one-on-one when you can, then you're doing well. I'm sure she knows you love her.

OP here. This response brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for this post.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP. And push her strategically on things that will make a difference down the road (like schoolwork ethic) but make sure you let her be her - don't try to mold or shape her into your vision of who she should be. And make sure you encourage and openly show appreciation of those differences.

[Anonymous]

I agree that it sounds like her temperament is a bit melancholy and negative. Sounds like you are a very good mom. My two comments:

1. Do not allow her to criticize you or mock you in any way, ever. Not in front of her friends or otherwise. She should know that that is not acceptable behavior before you get into the teenage years. Make sure your husband backs you up on this.

2. She probably has some insecurity and self-doubt. Be sure you give her a lot of affection and love. Try to make sure you have some time one-on-one with her. Tell her often how much you love her and how special she is.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a 12 yr old and know we're closer than most mother/daughters. But here's what I can tell you: the embarrassing you in front of friends thing is age-appropriate. Expect she won't want to walk physically near you soon. Your existence, as a mother (not as a person, which she doesn't see you as) willl shortly become an embarrassment to her. It's a phase. Pick your battles, and she'll come back to you eventually.

If I were in your position, I would reach out. Do "mommy and DD" dates once a week - take her out for frozen yogurt or Starbucks or ask for her help when YOU need to go clothing shopping. Ask her to go for a walk with you because you want fresh air. Ask about her friends. Not "Does Amber still suck her hair?" which she knows you thought was gross, but "What's going on with Amber these days?" or "How's Lily; i don't hear you talk about her much?" Those types of questions always get my DD talking. She loves telling me the gossip at school because she knows I'm a vault and won't pass it along to anyone else. Ask your DD to help you bake.

Ignore the bathroom thing. She may just have a small bladder.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you need to devote some 1-1 times her. Check homework nightly and weekly or twice monthly have a special date and either go out to dinner or a weekend breakfast to connect. Or, maybe a movie or other fun activity.

[Anonymous]

I have 2 older kids and younger twins, and work full time. I know how you feel about never enough time in the day for everyone. I try to take my older 2 out once a week for a late dinner or ice cream, and have my husband put the twins to bed. Or we have girls night, where they just come in my bedroom and horse around with my jewelry or clothes. or we make popcorn and watch a movie or Christmas special on tv. or we play a board game- this can work well for you since your kids are 13 and 11.

Anyway, the point is, make a special time for the older kids (either together or individually) once a week or every 2 weeks. Maybe she will start to loosen up around you.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure you're not me?! I could have written your post, except I only have 2 girls. I'm constantly questioning whether I'm close enough to them, spending enough quality time with them, and whether I'm doing the right thing by continuing to work. Our situation is nearly identical to yours in terms of earnings and goals to aggressively save for college and retirement. Anyhow, it sounds like you're a great mom, and I think the PPs' advice is spot on. Make some one on one time with your daughter to strengthen that relationship. I also agree with the PP who said not to tolerate the public dissing of mom. I try to regularly remind my daughters that we need to be good to those we love...and sometimes I need to remind them that I have feelings too and that it's not ok for them to be intentionally hurtful to anyone, much less a family member.

[Anonymous]

OP - I read this and I hear too much about you projecting your discomfort with work outside the home. I also hear subtle hints that you want your daughter to have a different disposition. I can promise you that this negativity projects (and I think that is the source of the criticism you see reflected back).

Please don't compare your child to what you see of other children. We all see our "children's domestic and foreign policy" but only see the "foreign policy" of their friends. Most kids act better in front of other people's parents.

My dad and I have very different dispositions. He doesn't get me at all. His overt scorn of people like me... well, in addition to making my adolescence 10 times harder still scars me today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that it sounds like her temperament is a bit melancholy and negative. Sounds like you are a very good mom. My two comments:

1. Do not allow her to criticize you or mock you in any way, ever. Not in front of her friends or otherwise. She should know that that is not acceptable behavior before you get into the teenage years. Make sure your husband backs you up on this.

2. She probably has some insecurity and self-doubt. Be sure you give her a lot of affection and love. Try to make sure you have some time one-on-one with her. Tell her often how much you love her and how special she is.

This advice won't work unless you actually start to believe she's special and worth your praise (which I don't see in this post) .... I think OP and this poster have a lot in common.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried talking to your husband about this? Since he is close to your 11-year-old, it doesn't sound like she's necessarily closed-off, just that you two aren't connecting for some reason. He might have some insight into why you two aren't meshing well at the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly it probably wouldn't be any different if you were at home, especially since it sounds like you are close to your other two kids. It may just be that your temperaments and personalities are different, and you don't feel as connected. There's nothing wrong with that, and it doesn't mean you love her any less -- you just have to make more of an effort to connect, whereas it just comes more naturally with your other two. Being at home wouldn't necessarily change that.
As long as you continue to make that effort, and taking some time one-on-one when you can, then you're doing well. I'm sure she knows you love her.

I wouldn't take this for granted.

What OP describes sounds similar to the relationship between my mom and I, growing up, My mother and I are pretty much oil and water, my mother is very bubbly into fashion, pop culture , make up , very extroverted and into pleasing everyone etc. I am he polar opposite and always have been. Trouble is I have 2 sisters who are more like my mom and she has always gotten along better with them. As a pp mentioned my mom would make negative comments about other people similar to me in personality. Very long story, but my mother and I basically don't have a relationship other than on the surface. There are times when I think my mom's behavior stemmed from a little bit of jealousy of me, because I was happy to be me and wasn't consumed with conforming so everyone liked me.
Your daughter is fine the way she is it's sad you have known her for 11 years and still view her with such negativity.