Reply to How to be closer to DD (age 11) if I'm stretched thin (working and with 3 kids)?

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[quote=Anonymous]I wish I had a closer relationship with my DD (age 11)

We have three kids – ages 13, 11, and 6.

I feel close to my oldest and my youngest, but I don’t feel close to my middle child (DD age 11 – a 5th grader).

I know that part of it is that I work full-time.  I wish so much I could be there for the kids right after school.  I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my job, and I do feel lucky to have a good interesting job that pays well and does not require travel.  (My DH and I each make $150K per year.)  We could get by on DH’s income but we are trying to build up a nest egg so that we all have a cushion (and so that we hope our kids have a cushion that they can pass on).

We have a long-time babysitter who helps with the kids after school while I work.  In the summers, they seem to like doing a combo of day camps, 2 weeks of sleep-away camp, and a few weeks of vacation.

I genuinely try to spend every free moment with the kids and be the best mom possible.  But with 3 kids, I feel I am stretched thin.  My DH is a good father and he is pretty close to our 11-year-old.

I sometimes wonder if my DD is a bit depressed, even though she is only 11 years old.  Despite having a stable family life and a nice school to attend, she seems kind of blue generally.  She has always been this way!  I remember that, even at age 2-3, my grandmother commented that DD was “such a somber child.”  I still remember her saying those words even though it was about 9 years ago!

At this age (11), so many of DD’s friends are such cheerful and upbreat girls.  In contrast, my DD is a bit more negative.  She can be openly critical of me in front of her friends, as if she thinks it’s cool to criticize your mom.

She finds school pretty easy and therefore claims it’s boring.  Unlike me as a kid, she does not seem to care about pleasing the teacher.  She’ll do a slapdash job on homework and just turn it in.  Her grades are OK, but not outstanding because she just doesn’t want to put in the effort.  Her teachers over the years seem to like her, but not love her.

I don’t know if this suggests anxiety on DD's part, but she does need to use the bathroom more often than most kids.  When we are on an outing, for example, she’ll use the bathroom 2x in a 90-minute trip to the mall.  (She goes all night without using the bathroom, but often goes at least every hour during the school day).

I have heard that the elementary school years are the “golden years” for parents because the kids are independent and yet enjoy spending time with you.  My DD seems to enjoy being with me, but also can be critical of me (making fun of my attempts to suggest ideas for things we can do.)  I’m kind of dreading the teenage years, if this is what 11 years old is like.

My mom worked full-time when I was a kid, and we have a pretty close relationship.  I am praying that will be possible for my DD and me someday.  I see some of my DD’s friends with their stay-at-home moms and I wish so very much that I had that type of close relationship with my DD.

I have suggested to the kids that I could become a SAHM if we moved to a more distant suburb.  Both my 13—year-old and my 11-year-old opposed the idea, mostly because they said that they’d like to keep their current friends.  (My 6-year-old liked the idea.)

Any advice on how to be close with your DD even if you work full-time and are stretched thin with a family of 3 kids, especially if your DD does not have the standard upbreat personality?  Thank you.
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