Failure to thrive - Mid and late 20s

[Anonymous]

Hi OP.

I feel like your situation is increasingly common among those under 30.

It seems like our society has become so much more affluent compared to the past, and, at the same time, we increasingly try to be “accepting” or diverse or easy-going on every kid. Even to the point where we tell kids any / every failure is fine and it’s probably someone else’s fault.

So I do nt think you are alone in this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t bother asking someone whom I suspected had mental disorders if THEY think they do and ask THEM if they want to seek a Dx and help.

I’d make it contingent.

You want help with your rent or your debts then you have to do the following: see a coach (ie psychologist); hold down an entry level job 30 hours a week; pay your insurance bills.

Was a neuropsych test for diagnoses ever done for either kid before age 26?

This right here is good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I come from a family of four. Two of us launched easily/successfully. The other two didn't. You know what the difference was? The two kids who struggled had VERY SIGNFICANT mental health and/or cognitive challenges.

Your kids aren't struggling because it's fun - it's more likely that there are other barriers for them, perhaps ones you know about (but maybe ones you don't).

This.

[Anonymous]

I'm getting a whiff of family scapegoating here. When you say two of them "no surprise, they were both easy kids...we have great relationships with them...we respect them,". that's a flashing, neon sign.

The "easy kids" complied with your world view and were rewarded with parental affection, and respect.

The other two...were not...rewarded in the same ways...do not have your respect.

From what you write, it sounds like this parent-child has been a life-long pattern? Each child in a family is assigned a role to play, either consciously or unconsciously, by the parents.

Go research what can happen to family scapegoats when they become adults. It might open your eyes.

[Anonymous]

We have four kids. Three were high achievers from the get go. The fourth started out that way rather effortlessly before hitting a wall in late middle school that she didn’t climb over until her early 30s. It happens sometimes, and it’s not easy when it happens to you in a family of high achievers. The one thing you cannot do, ever, is send any kind of message or signal that you value the achievements of your kids over who they are as a person. We never did that with ours, and neither did her siblings, and it wasn’t hard because it’s honestly how we feel.

OP, tread carefully here.

[Anonymous]

I'm getting a whiff of family scapegoating here. When you say two of them "no surprise, they were both easy kids...we have great relationships with them...we respect them,". that's a flashing, neon sign.

The "easy kids" complied with your world view and were rewarded with parental affection, and respect.

The other two...were not...rewarded in the same ways...do not have your respect.

From what you write, it sounds like this parent-child has been a life-long pattern? Each child in a family is assigned a role to play, either consciously or unconsciously, by the parents.

Go research what can happen to family scapegoats when they become adults. It might open your eyes.

Oh good grief. "Family scapegoating??" OP is not to blame for 2 grown men who refuse to take responsibility for their lives. And no, OP does not have to "respect" the poor choices made by the adult sons who have failed to launch. Nor does OP have to "reward" those poor choices. OP can love her sons but love does NOT mean enabling unproductive behaviors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP.

I feel like your situation is increasingly common among those under 30.

It seems like our society has become so much more affluent compared to the past, and, at the same time, we increasingly try to be “accepting” or diverse or easy-going on every kid. Even to the point where we tell kids any / every failure is fine and it’s probably someone else’s fault.

So I do nt think you are alone in this.

+1
This coddling isn't exactly a new thing in the US, but it seems to be getting worse. Personal responsibility is a thing of the past for 50% of Americans. If you're fat, it's because of bad genetics. If you hang out with sketchy dudes in a bad neighborhood at night and get robbed it's totally not your fault. Just look at all of the responses from self appointed medical experts claiming that surely these kids have medical issues preventing them from being successful! It's BONKERS and scary.

[Anonymous]

It's been a few months since the OP. To OP - are you still here? How is it going?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I come from a family of four. Two of us launched easily/successfully. The other two didn't. You know what the difference was? The two kids who struggled had VERY SIGNFICANT mental health and/or cognitive challenges.

Your kids aren't struggling because it's fun - it's more likely that there are other barriers for them, perhaps ones you know about (but maybe ones you don't).

I'm a bit of a "failure to thrive" case. I had issues that my parents didn't know about or didn't want to know about, including chronic depression that started when I was just a kid. In my late twenties, they were just frustrated with me, but we did some therapy together and since then it's been a lot better. They understand me more, I got past my bitterness toward them, and I've made a pretty good life for myself with their help.

Thanks for posting this. I'm glad things are better for you and hope you have a great life. Depression is so horrible. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I come from a family of four. Two of us launched easily/successfully. The other two didn't. You know what the difference was? The two kids who struggled had VERY SIGNFICANT mental health and/or cognitive challenges.

Your kids aren't struggling because it's fun - it's more likely that there are other barriers for them, perhaps ones you know about (but maybe ones you don't).

This is true but it still doesn't mean anything goes and the parents are an unlimited piggy bank. My brother was diagnosed and treated for ADHD from elementary school and was like this in his 20s. I get that he needed more help, but expecting your parents to do and pay everything for you *and still* lashing out at them and blaming them for all your problems is not fair and ok. Fortunately he's in a better place in his 30s, but people who are struggling still don't get to treat others like crap.

Try being in his shoes. I come from a family of academically gifted kids excluding one. 5 kids and one had dyslexia. My parents did everything they could to help him but no matter what he always felt less than. He would never choose to have dyslexia. He wasn't a screw up but has money problems. The rest of us did great in college, had great jobs, nice bank accounts and he joined the military. He loved it but could never move up much in rank because no matter what, reading was hell for him. It is hard to grow up and see other people do basic things easily when you can't. From the time you are young everything and everyone tells you or shows you that you are less than. We all were careful to not brag and to support him but our lives can't be denied. He isn't comfortable around us and he doesn't go out of his way to see us. It's sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Failure to Launch should have been what I wrote. Sorry, I goofed. We have tried hard to address their needs their whole lives. They have always been reluctant to work. They don’t feel like the rules of life apply to them. I have zero contempt for my sons. I love them very much. We are just exasperated. We would always help them with mental health issues if they asked us to. They do not believe that they have any mental health issues and get very annoyed if we suggest it.

The other kids see what goes on and let us know loud and clear that they feel we have given them too much financial support and too much energy.

We are now at a time where we both have unwell parents as well as other stressors that require our attention. Obviously, we made mistakes as parents. We did not push them out the door at 18, 20, 22, etc. At their ages, with the school and financial support they received, we just have to draw some lines. Their attitudes while living with us let us know
that things weren’t heading in a good direction. We are not going to be treated poorly by grown men. Thanks for all the feedback.

When you said they ere always a handful, I assumed they had learning disabilities. Did they struggle in school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with those who said your “handful” two need more assistance, and honestly probably always did. Your contempt for them comes through loud and clear and I would guess that whether or not you’re aware of it, they certainly were. Kids who know that their parental love is conditional or contingent act out. Ask me how I know.

Wow. You are a LOT for your family too, PP.
Sorry but assuming you are an adult, maybe start in a self-reflecting path ti explore how you can differentiate between unconditional love and unconditional indulgence and approval of your actions and choices.

[Anonymous]

Six siblings - five are successful and one has struggled. The struggles are IMO almost entirely due to my parents’ inability to honestly address family dysfunction that most greatly impacted him. He’s actually pulled himself together and has a stable job & family, albeit on a different continent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t bother asking someone whom I suspected had mental disorders if THEY think they do and ask THEM if they want to seek a Dx and help.

I’d make it contingent.

You want help with your rent or your debts then you have to do the following: see a coach (ie psychologist); hold down an entry level job 30 hours a week; pay your insurance bills.

Was a neuropsych test for diagnoses ever done for either kid before age 26?

They probably have jobs - just not as UMC as OP wants. My BFF who had untreated learning disorders has never been able to handle more than service/blue collar jobs, in a family of doctors & academics. (Luckily they aren’t judgmental about it.)

[Anonymous]

OP, what are the genders of the two successful children and where are the in the lineup?