Failure to thrive - Mid and late 20s

[Anonymous]

I have four kids. 2 graduated from college and started their lives. They are self sufficient, paying all their bills, living independently. They have good jobs and are making great progress. Talking about grad school, etc. No surprise, they were both easy kids. We have great relationships with them. We respect them and only provide any input when specifically asked.

Our two other sons are not doing well. Neither finished school. One made it through 4 years of enlisted military, but it didn’t seem to have much of an impact. Neither can hold a job. They each have lived with us at one point and it did not go well at all. They were not helpful, and were very disrespectful. Name calling and constant drama. They are each on their own now, but always full of issues and drama. They don’t pay their bills. We know because they send their mail to our home because they don’t stay in one place long enough to forward mail, etc. When the drama rises, they call us. They try to cajole money out of us and sing a real song and dance. Any help we have given them has just not helped. It has not been a lot of money btw. We try to say no with love.

When ever the going gets rough in their lives, we are the first to be blamed. They were both handfuls to raise, but we somehow got them to adulthood. They both go through periods of non contact when we don’t give them what they want.

Their drama stresses me out more than it should at 28 and 26. So basically how do I toughen up and stop letting their issues make me so unhappy? Anybody relate? How do you handle your kids and yourself. Just curious.

[Anonymous]

Toughen up? They obviously need more help. Who do you think is going to guide them? Have you tried an executive functioning coach? Some need more help than others to get their lives started.

[Anonymous]

I come from a family of four. Two of us launched easily/successfully. The other two didn't. You know what the difference was? The two kids who struggled had VERY SIGNFICANT mental health and/or cognitive challenges.

Your kids aren't struggling because it's fun - it's more likely that there are other barriers for them, perhaps ones you know about (but maybe ones you don't).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I come from a family of four. Two of us launched easily/successfully. The other two didn't. You know what the difference was? The two kids who struggled had VERY SIGNFICANT mental health and/or cognitive challenges.

Your kids aren't struggling because it's fun - it's more likely that there are other barriers for them, perhaps ones you know about (but maybe ones you don't).

100% this.

[Anonymous]

Is your DH, or you, a narcissist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I come from a family of four. Two of us launched easily/successfully. The other two didn't. You know what the difference was? The two kids who struggled had VERY SIGNFICANT mental health and/or cognitive challenges.

Your kids aren't struggling because it's fun - it's more likely that there are other barriers for them, perhaps ones you know about (but maybe ones you don't).

Agree. My struggling adult (though only 20) is recently diagnosed bipolar. Still working on a treatment plan.

[Anonymous]

They are 26 and 28. They are adults. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are 26 and 28. They are adults. Problem solved.

You must have toddlers if you think that you'll be able to wash your hands of your kids when they are 26/28. Sure they should be able to function on their own but many don't.

As someone else astutely pointed out they most likely have mental health challenges. It's likely that OP tried to apply the same parenting to all of her kids and it worked for two but the other two needed something different.

[Anonymous]

Please help them get evaluated for ADHD, and possibly therapy for goal setting/identifying what they want.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean "they were handfuls"?

[Anonymous]

When they call with drama you say that this up and down is not a healthy lifestyle for them nor a sustainable way for the future so you want to help them regroup. Suggest walking them through a medical evaluation and some “coaching” (read: therapy but less likely to get an emotional reaction) with a professional better able to help all of you (that terminology shows you want to participate, not make demands) get them on the road to success.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, they will be even more your problem when they have their own kids (your grandchildren) and can’t act like adults. Be prepared for more crises/drama/emergencies if you don’t put your foot down.

Are these two complicit? In DHs family of four kids, he and the youngest are self sufficient. The middle boy and girl constantly complain of the “abuse” they suffered as the middle children and orchestrate all kinds of “life or death” situations and squeeze every dime they can out of their parents. Recently the daughter shared that her daughter “has been talking about killing herself” when family told them they can’t afford to pay her private school tuition.

[Anonymous]

There seems to be two distinct camps. Those who feel that the adult children are adults and those who feel that they are still children. You can love your kids and still expect basic respect.

[Anonymous]

Families can be completely ruled by the high maintenance ones, trust me. Love, but boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean "they were handfuls"?

You’ve never heard that phrase before?