Failure to thrive - Mid and late 20s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I come from a family of four. Two of us launched easily/successfully. The other two didn't. You know what the difference was? The two kids who struggled had VERY SIGNFICANT mental health and/or cognitive challenges.

Your kids aren't struggling because it's fun - it's more likely that there are other barriers for them, perhaps ones you know about (but maybe ones you don't).

This is true but it still doesn't mean anything goes and the parents are an unlimited piggy bank. My brother was diagnosed and treated for ADHD from elementary school and was like this in his 20s. I get that he needed more help, but expecting your parents to do and pay everything for you *and still* lashing out at them and blaming them for all your problems is not fair and ok. Fortunately he's in a better place in his 30s, but people who are struggling still don't get to treat others like crap.

+1

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t bother asking someone whom I suspected had mental disorders if THEY think they do and ask THEM if they want to seek a Dx and help.

I’d make it contingent.

You want help with your rent or your debts then you have to do the following: see a coach (ie psychologist); hold down an entry level job 30 hours a week; pay your insurance bills.

Was a neuropsych test for diagnoses ever done for either kid before age 26?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I come from a family of four. Two of us launched easily/successfully. The other two didn't. You know what the difference was? The two kids who struggled had VERY SIGNFICANT mental health and/or cognitive challenges.

Your kids aren't struggling because it's fun - it's more likely that there are other barriers for them, perhaps ones you know about (but maybe ones you don't).

This is true but it still doesn't mean anything goes and the parents are an unlimited piggy bank. My brother was diagnosed and treated for ADHD from elementary school and was like this in his 20s. I get that he needed more help, but expecting your parents to do and pay everything for you *and still* lashing out at them and blaming them for all your problems is not fair and ok. Fortunately he's in a better place in his 30s, but people who are struggling still don't get to treat others like crap.

+1

+2. They don’t get to start threads constantly on DCUM, either, about how their parents are “narcs.”

[Anonymous]

Sending hugs OP. It sounds slike you may need a therapist to figure out how to handle your sons, especially since they don't seem to think they have mental health issues. Is there anyway you could have them take care of some of the eldercare responsibilities?

Remember to take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

There is a practice in Columbia, MD that specializes in the Failure to Launch demographic. The Thrive Center (Dr Rick Silver).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with those who said your “handful” two need more assistance, and honestly probably always did. Your contempt for them comes through loud and clear and I would guess that whether or not you’re aware of it, they certainly were. Kids who know that their parental love is conditional or contingent act out. Ask me how I know.

Do the people who post this nonsense not actually have to deal with these issues? No one's life has to be ruled by someone else's just because they need help for their entire life. Nor do they have to put up with disrespect. Of course there is contempt if someone is constantly having problems that are easily preventable and constantly being rude. That comes with having the problems and being rude. Children need to understand when they are no longer children and are adults to whatever capacity their body allows them to be and accept themselves for who they are. You can still live pretty cheaply in the US. Just lower your expectations for your own life and don't take your problems out on others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I come from a family of four. Two of us launched easily/successfully. The other two didn't. You know what the difference was? The two kids who struggled had VERY SIGNFICANT mental health and/or cognitive challenges.

Your kids aren't struggling because it's fun - it's more likely that there are other barriers for them, perhaps ones you know about (but maybe ones you don't).

I'm a bit of a "failure to thrive" case. I had issues that my parents didn't know about or didn't want to know about, including chronic depression that started when I was just a kid. In my late twenties, they were just frustrated with me, but we did some therapy together and since then it's been a lot better. They understand me more, I got past my bitterness toward them, and I've made a pretty good life for myself with their help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I come from a family of four. Two of us launched easily/successfully. The other two didn't. You know what the difference was? The two kids who struggled had VERY SIGNFICANT mental health and/or cognitive challenges.

Your kids aren't struggling because it's fun - it's more likely that there are other barriers for them, perhaps ones you know about (but maybe ones you don't).

I'm a bit of a "failure to thrive" case. I had issues that my parents didn't know about or didn't want to know about, including chronic depression that started when I was just a kid. In my late twenties, they were just frustrated with me, but we did some therapy together and since then it's been a lot better. They understand me more, I got past my bitterness toward them, and I've made a pretty good life for myself with their help.

I'm happy to hear that things improved so much. It is encouraging to me. Would you mind sharing more details?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Failure to Launch should have been what I wrote. Sorry, I goofed. We have tried hard to address their needs their whole lives. They have always been reluctant to work. They don’t feel like the rules of life apply to them. I have zero contempt for my sons. I love them very much. We are just exasperated. We would always help them with mental health issues if they asked us to. They do not believe that they have any mental health issues and get very annoyed if we suggest it.

The other kids see what goes on and let us know loud and clear that they feel we have given them too much financial support and too much energy.

We are now at a time where we both have unwell parents as well as other stressors that require our attention. Obviously, we made mistakes as parents. We did not push them out the door at 18, 20, 22, etc. At their ages, with the school and financial support they received, we just have to draw some lines. Their attitudes while living with us let us know
that things weren’t heading in a good direction. We are not going to be treated poorly by grown men. Thanks for all the feedback.

Are you other two (successful/launched) kids girls or boys?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with those who said your “handful” two need more assistance, and honestly probably always did. Your contempt for them comes through loud and clear and I would guess that whether or not you’re aware of it, they certainly were. Kids who know that their parental love is conditional or contingent act out. Ask me how I know.

Do the people who post this nonsense not actually have to deal with these issues? No one's life has to be ruled by someone else's just because they need help for their entire life. Nor do they have to put up with disrespect. Of course there is contempt if someone is constantly having problems that are easily preventable and constantly being rude. That comes with having the problems and being rude. Children need to understand when they are no longer children and are adults to whatever capacity their body allows them to be and accept themselves for who they are. You can still live pretty cheaply in the US. Just lower your expectations for your own life and don't take your problems out on others.

I have ADHD and just because I am an adult, it didn’t magically go away. My problems might be easily preventable by someone with a neurotypical brain, but I have these problems because my brain doesn’t function like yours. I can’t make it function better by using will power.

I agree that OP’s kid needs more assistance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with those who said your “handful” two need more assistance, and honestly probably always did. Your contempt for them comes through loud and clear and I would guess that whether or not you’re aware of it, they certainly were. Kids who know that their parental love is conditional or contingent act out. Ask me how I know.

Do the people who post this nonsense not actually have to deal with these issues? No one's life has to be ruled by someone else's just because they need help for their entire life. Nor do they have to put up with disrespect. Of course there is contempt if someone is constantly having problems that are easily preventable and constantly being rude. That comes with having the problems and being rude. Children need to understand when they are no longer children and are adults to whatever capacity their body allows them to be and accept themselves for who they are. You can still live pretty cheaply in the US. Just lower your expectations for your own life and don't take your problems out on others.

I have ADHD and just because I am an adult, it didn’t magically go away. My problems might be easily preventable by someone with a neurotypical brain, but I have these problems because my brain doesn’t function like yours. I can’t make it function better by using will power.

I agree that OP’s kid needs more assistance.

OP’d kids are in their mid/late 20’s. They need to help themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Failure to Launch should have been what I wrote. Sorry, I goofed. We have tried hard to address their needs their whole lives. They have always been reluctant to work. They don’t feel like the rules of life apply to them. I have zero contempt for my sons. I love them very much. We are just exasperated. We would always help them with mental health issues if they asked us to. They do not believe that they have any mental health issues and get very annoyed if we suggest it.

The other kids see what goes on and let us know loud and clear that they feel we have given them too much financial support and too much energy.

We are now at a time where we both have unwell parents as well as other stressors that require our attention. Obviously, we made mistakes as parents. We did not push them out the door at 18, 20, 22, etc. At their ages, with the school and financial support they received, we just have to draw some lines. Their attitudes while living with us let us know
that things weren’t heading in a good direction. We are not going to be treated poorly by grown men. Thanks for all the feedback.

Are you other two (successful/launched) kids girls or boys?

Boys

[Anonymous]

OP, it seems the replies on page 1 at least are focused on what you may have done wrong or what you should do.

Having come from a family of varied success early on (now we are all successful in our own ways with pretty decent family lives) and plenty of alcohol and mental health issues with ADHD/erratic behavior from my 2 alcoholic, smart ADHD brothers in their younger years before sobriety, I would like to say - take care of yourself first. Take up a hobby or pickleball, get therapy, learn to meditate or start yoga, art class - something just for you. Exercise daily, call friends, change up your life some.

Your kids are now adults and they are fully responsible for their own success and happiness. You did your best, you can offer a brief apology for any wrongs they feel, but it is not now on you - contrary to all the feedback here!

You can certainly offer suggestions if they ask, write them a letter suggesting they get tested for adhd and start treatment etc., look at possible addictions or whatever, but it's up to them to follow through and they may not. Unless they are deep in the throes of an addiction and your family wants to do an intervention, it's not really on you or about you.

I would say do what you can to celebrate any small success - a new job, a new place, etc, be as positive of a force as you can without financing them.

Life is short and you deserve to develop your own peace of mind. It's not easy. I struggle with it every day with my own life-a DH with a degenerative neurological condition and an ADD young adult who has had many struggles. I've had to develop some good habits for myself to survive and thrive. You can do it!

[Anonymous]

Become an alcoholic

Tell them you’d like to help but you have a disease

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems the replies on page 1 at least are focused on what you may have done wrong or what you should do.

Having come from a family of varied success early on (now we are all successful in our own ways with pretty decent family lives) and plenty of alcohol and mental health issues with ADHD/erratic behavior from my 2 alcoholic, smart ADHD brothers in their younger years before sobriety, I would like to say - take care of yourself first. Take up a hobby or pickleball, get therapy, learn to meditate or start yoga, art class - something just for you. Exercise daily, call friends, change up your life some.

Your kids are now adults and they are fully responsible for their own success and happiness. You did your best, you can offer a brief apology for any wrongs they feel, but it is not now on you - contrary to all the feedback here!

You can certainly offer suggestions if they ask, write them a letter suggesting they get tested for adhd and start treatment etc., look at possible addictions or whatever, but it's up to them to follow through and they may not. Unless they are deep in the throes of an addiction and your family wants to do an intervention, it's not really on you or about you.

I would say do what you can to celebrate any small success - a new job, a new place, etc, be as positive of a force as you can without financing them.

Life is short and you deserve to develop your own peace of mind. It's not easy. I struggle with it every day with my own life-a DH with a degenerative neurological condition and an ADD young adult who has had many struggles. I've had to develop some good habits for myself to survive and thrive. You can do it!

Thanks for this and thanks for supportive messages.