Losing respect for friend because of her relationship and I feel like a jerk
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
My friend has been dating her boyfriend for 4 years and he's cheated on her almost the whole time with various women. Then he stopped having sex with her because she gained 15 pounds and became a size 6. He made sure she knew he was cheating on her because he wasn't attracted to her. He also has every excuse in the book for why he isn't proposing yet. Anyways, I've tried to help her through all of this even though he's an asshole. I've come to accept that she's not going to dump him. Anyways, she confided in me recently that he has cheated again and has given her a fairly serious STD. I feel like a jerk but she is still staying with him and I feel myself just losing respect for her. I just can't understand why she keeps putting up with this. She desperately wants to marry him and have kids and she thinks he'll stop then. He won't and I can't even imagine how much he's going to cheat on her/be mean to her when she gains weight if she gets pregnant.
I know I'm an asshole for losing respect for her, but I really need advice on how to get over it and what to do. Just so frustrated with her at the moment. |
Anonymous
| tell her? I don't understand tiptoeing around people that are so clearly making horrible decisions. |
Anonymous
I've told her to dump him so many times I've lost count. Telling her I'm losing respect for her just seems mean since I don't think she has much self respect anymore |
Anonymous
|
That sounds really frustrating. Unfortunately, while you can offer advice and perspective, she's going to make her own decisions and there's not really anything you can do about.
I would probably try to limit conversations about her SO; try to get her to talk about other aspects of her life. Is she seeing a therapist? If not, you could suggest that to her. |
Anonymous
| I'd stop letting her talk to you about him. It's like a release valve - she feels better, you feel worse, she keeps going on. She needs therapy to understand why this is okay with her. And you're not (I assume) a therapist. |
Anonymous
+1 Tell her you've heard it all before, he isn't going to change, and if she isn't going to change either, you can't stand to hear it anymore. She will probably stop hanging out with you, but that sounds like a win in this case. When she grows up (because he dumped her and got engaged the next month), she'll be back. |
Anonymous
| Lust is temporary. STDs are forever. |
Anonymous
+2 Tell her that you will be her friend but you cannot support this relationship. You will no longer listen to her talk about him. You support her talking with a therapist about why is settling for such poor treatment. If she starts talking about him, say "I'm leaving" or "I need to hang up now." Then do it. |
Anonymous
Yes. This is the only answer. I've had friends in this situation (and been here...sorta, myself) and I'm convinced that part of the reason they stay in the shitty situation for so long is because they have at least one person to vent to. When they have to deal with it all themselves, or come to the realization that everyone has disappeared from their lives because of the relationship, they finally change. Honestly, you cannot save anyone, and you'll only lose yourself trying to do so. I'd tell her straight up: you do not respect her relationship, you're losing respect for her, and that you cannot be her shoulder to cry on or listening ear any longer. And oyu understand if that means she will stop speaking to you, but you cwill not continue as it has been. AND THEN STICK TO IT. She will probably flip out on you, make you feel guilty, or eventually start talking about him again, but stick to your guns. If she brings him up, shut it down ASAP and directly tell her that you said you weren't going to listen to it anymore. She doesn't value herself and its no wonder he doesn't either. You cant make her learn to love herself (unless youre a therapist) so the best you can do is preserve yourself. |
Anonymous
|
OP, what you are feeling toward your friend is completely normal + 100% understandable. Do not be so harsh on yourself, anyone would lose respect for someone who was putting up w/so much abuse for such an extended period of time.
As much as you love and care for your friend, it must be tough to listen to her defend this schmuck while you know what a bastard he is. You do not have to tell her you are losing respect for her directly, but what you CAN let her know is that you honestly do not support her staying in this abusive relationship. She is an adult and she makes her own choices and she has chosen to stay w/this person. However, you are also an adult and you have chosen not to like this guy and because of that, you no longer want to hear anything positive regarding him any more. Let her know it would be best for both of you if you keep any topic related to him minimal. Hopefully she will understand and you won't have to deal w/their relationship issues/drama anymore. Hopefully the day will come where she will see the light and realize you were right all along.... |