Do you regret not being more hard-charging / leaning in in your career?

[Anonymous]

I'm struggling with making decisins about the next phase of my career. I'm a mom of two young children (3 year old and 7 month old). I am the primary breadwinner at a job that is pretty demanding offers some flexibility. My husband makes about a third of what I make - our HHI is $180K.

There is growth potential in my field if I really push forward, work 60 - 70 hour weeks, and am very aggressive about my trajectory. The upside is that I could make upwards of $250K a year within the next five years. The downside is I would never see my children awake and even my weekends would include work.

I can float where I am now or take another similar role that allows for a lot of flexibility and minimal pay growth. Or I can 'lean in" and be more hard charging.

I'm inclined to take the job that allows me to see my kids, see them grow up, be at their games and plays, etc.... but I worry about letting my family down financially. Money is tight, though we cover the basics (retirement, college savings, activities for the kids, clothes, etc).

I worry that I will regret not working harder to afford my children college tuition to any school they want or not being able to give them a nice nest egg when they marry pr even being able to afford family travel.

I'm 40, so I'm not a spring chicken.

Can anyone relate? Do you regret not going for it? Why or why not?

[Anonymous]

I am 47 and I do not regret it.

I will look for a new job in the next 5 years because my children will be going to college.

I wash there was more information on how to get back into the game.

But, I feel extremely blessed that I was at everything and had a great job that could support my children. I really feel selfish complaining but sometimes I still do.

[Anonymous]

We have a similar HHI and I've made the decision to earn less but be available for my kids. No regrets so far, and I doubt I'll have any later. While I stress about affording things like college, we cover the basics okay at our income level and I really value being around for their childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a similar HHI and I've made the decision to earn less but be available for my kids. No regrets so far, and I doubt I'll have any later. While I stress about affording things like college, we cover the basics okay at our income level and I really value being around for their childhood.

+100

Enjoy the best of what parenthood offers. It goes by FAST!

These the saying, "No dies wishing the worked more. Many die wishing they spent and appreciated more time with family."

[Anonymous]

Is the only thing you feel like you're missing more money? Or do you feel like you want more professional satisfaction that would come eith a more prestigious job?

In other words, if finances are tight, but healthy and manageable, and your family life is happy, doesn't that answer the question for you? On the other hand, if you're unsatisfied at work, that's a legitimate feeling that should be considered.

[Anonymous]

No, I've "leaned out" and I'd do the same thing again. I realize that I won't ever earn that much, but it's true that money doesn't make you happy...

[Anonymous]

OP here. 18:07, no, I don't want more prestige at work and I actually enjoy my time - and appreciate the flexibility. I love my time with family - it is the highlight of my days.

I just worry that in 5, 10, 15 years will I regret not having pushed harder in my career to bring more money into the pot.

We are comfortable but I don't know that DH and I will ever be able to afford the private college education that DH got from his family or the support for my grad school education that I got from my family. So I struggle with that and feeling like it's either time with my family or time with my job. Don't want my children to feel cheated.

[Anonymous]

Do I regret that I am not in as high a position that I think I can be in? Sure

Would I give up the time with my kids for that? Hell, no

I am hoping that I will bring my kids well enough to get into the better state schools...if not, I guess we will have to sell the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a similar HHI and I've made the decision to earn less but be available for my kids. No regrets so far, and I doubt I'll have any later. While I stress about affording things like college, we cover the basics okay at our income level and I really value being around for their childhood.

Another +1 for this. My kids are 2.5y and 6m; we hope to have a third some day. No way in hell will I miss any more of their little young years than I'm comfortable with. My husband and I have both prioritized flexible careers over money, and have a lot of time with both kids. We will never get these years back, ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. 18:07, no, I don't want more prestige at work and I actually enjoy my time - and appreciate the flexibility. I love my time with family - it is the highlight of my days.

I just worry that in 5, 10, 15 years will I regret not having pushed harder in my career to bring more money into the pot.

We are comfortable but I don't know that DH and I will ever be able to afford the private college education that DH got from his family or the support for my grad school education that I got from my family. So I struggle with that and feeling like it's either time with my family or time with my job. Don't want my children to feel cheated.

PP here: it breaks my heart that anyone could possibly feel cheated by their parents prioritizing time with them when they were small. Who knows what the state of higher education will be by the time they're ready for that; that bubble is long overdue for bursting.

It's cliche, but (for me, at least) there are far more important things than money. Time with my children is one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a similar HHI and I've made the decision to earn less but be available for my kids. No regrets so far, and I doubt I'll have any later. While I stress about affording things like college, we cover the basics okay at our income level and I really value being around for their childhood.

Also have a similar HHI, also am the breadwinner and mom to a small child. It's too soon for me to evaluate regrets, but right now I'm confident this is the right choice. I'm actually hoping to "lean back" more once DC gets into school, so that I can do pick-up and go to school events -- not sure we can afford it, but that's my hope. I actually am not worried about college: we have 529 accounts set up for grandparents to contribute to, and we put a few dollars in there every month too. If it turns out DC "has to" attend public university (as DH and I both did) I am ok with that, but I also hope to help DC pursue scholarships (as I did) for academics, community service activities, scouting, etc. In my mind, that's one way unpaid parental involvement eventually does bring in some money.

FWIW, before I got married I was on the partner track at a law firm and pulling down much more than our current HHI. I did not want children. But I quit the firm because I needed to "lean back" to make time for my health, my relationship with now-DH and my friends and family, and just general sanity. That was years ago and I have never regretted that choice, even now that we have the expenses of a child, day care, etc.

I do worry a little about needing two incomes, and what would happen if either DH or I lost our jobs: we could do ok on my salary but would be very uncomfortable on his. Having a more secure, less volatile (but lower paying) job that I'm really good at makes me feel slightly better about that.

Finally, regarding your comments on a nest egg, my parents still work and are very concerned about leaving me money and property when they die. I am not interested: I would so much rather they retire and visit us and hang out with their grandchild as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not. I feel very fortunate that we can go to the Halloween parade, every soccer game, band performance, play performance etc. Also, financially we can afford for them to be in an activity and have the flexibility to pick them up. My parents had a long commute to work and didn't have flexible jobs, nor did they make the kind of money to pay for public college much less private college.

Some of the things you mentioned, like helping with a wedding or downpayment, grad school etc. are nice but at that point my child is an adult. I feel like my children (as adults) should be able to afford the decisions that they make. I won't be involved in those decisions. Only they will know what is worth it to them in terms of tradeoffs. Will they find an employer that can help pay for grad school or pay off school loans? Will they buy a smaller house or commute further to buy a house? Will they look into a smaller wedding to fit in their budget?

That's different than the situation now where my kids are dependent on me and their choices are limited by my decision, not their own. They may want to play an instrument but they can't unless we can afford the rental, sign them up for the activity, make sure they have time to practice, bring them to the band concert etc. If they have to use a computer for homework, we have to provide a computer or bring them to the library and oversee what is needed to complete the assignment. If you think you are compromising your retirement saving or you are barely surviving financially, I would consider leaning in more. Also, consider at what age your kids need more of your time. My DH traveled quite a bit when the kids were young. With homework and activities it would be harder if my husband traveled like that now. I think in a few years when the kids are more independent with their homework, spend more of their free time with friends, and kids are starting to drive, it would be as a big of a desk if one of us worked more hours.

[Anonymous]

You may feel regret some day, but as long as you are not being finance irresponsible, go with your heart! I think you will feel more regret if you never see your kids. I have similar thoughts to you - I could probably increase my salary like 50% if I really ramped up. But you know what? I have had to spend 2 nights late at work this month and missed my toddlers bedtime. And it SUCKS! So not worth it. There is no way I could do that on a regular basis unless it was true financial necessity.

[Anonymous]

I can't stand that women have to make these decisions alone within the nuclear family. Marketplace vs. rearing a family. Family and kids are always #1.

Marketplace needs to change. Too many crazy smart women standing in the sidelines. My opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm struggling with making decisins about the next phase of my career. I'm a mom of two young children (3 year old and 7 month old). I am the primary breadwinner at a job that is pretty demanding offers some flexibility. My husband makes about a third of what I make - our HHI is $180K.

There is growth potential in my field if I really push forward, work 60 - 70 hour weeks, and am very aggressive about my trajectory. The upside is that I could make upwards of $250K a year within the next five years. The downside is I would never see my children awake and even my weekends would include work.

I can float where I am now or take another similar role that allows for a lot of flexibility and minimal pay growth. Or I can 'lean in" and be more hard charging.

I'm inclined to take the job that allows me to see my kids, see them grow up, be at their games and plays, etc.... but I worry about letting my family down financially. Money is tight, though we cover the basics (retirement, college savings, activities for the kids, clothes, etc).

I worry that I will regret not working harder to afford my children college tuition to any school they want or not being able to give them a nice nest egg when they marry pr even being able to afford family travel.

I'm 40, so I'm not a spring chicken.

Can anyone relate? Do you regret not going for it? Why or why not?

I am you exactly-HHI, age, breakdown of income, ages of children. The only difference is that I do long for a bit more prestige. I am not sure what to do.