Do you regret not being more hard-charging / leaning in in your career?

[Anonymous]

I just sent a long letter to my mom the other day (it was her birthday) thanking her for all the special things she did for me when I was growing up. She was a working mom who put flexibility and being there above career advancement until my siblings and I were in high school.

Some of the things on the list were reading to me every night, sewing costumes for Halloween, taking us on long walks, doing arts and crafts with us, engaging in magical "pretend play" with us, teaching us how to cook and bake, always coming to our plays and music recitals, always being there for us when we needed her advice, and making us feel like the most loved people in the world.

In reading your post, I just realized NONE of these required a huge salary. NONE of the things I am so grateful to my mom for and that have had such an impact on my life were related to money. They were ALL about the time she spent with us and the amount she involved herself in our lives.

Subconsciously, I'm sure I realized that long ago -- I am "leaning out" so I can be there for my DD and DS in the same way my mom was for me. I truly think there are some things that are worth more than money, and the confidence, love, and happiness I still feel every day because of my amazing mother's involvement in my life could not be replaced by the biggest fortune in the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only thing I would say is that I've now realized (my daughter is 8) that is actually easier to lean in when they are younger than when they hit school age. The school events / activities can be overwhelming, and as someone who works full-time but had a stay-at-home mom, the guilt I feel on missing some things is awful. (and I have a lot of flexibility in my job so I don't miss that much….)

It's easier to lean in if you're fine with your very young children being in FT daycare. And you may be, and that's great.

For my husband and me, it's not okay to have to have our infant and toddler (we have two under three) in daycare 40-50 hours a week. And so we have both prioritized flexibility over prestige and compensation while our kids are young. We'll revisit if/when we want to. But for now, we're doing just fine financially, and we talk a lot about how glad we are to be doing what we're doing. Neither of us would trade this time for anything. You do miss things when your kids are in FT daycare, they're just not as obvious as the school play or the big game. I mean that in a truly non-snarky way: it's just the reality of the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only thing I would say is that I've now realized (my daughter is 8) that is actually easier to lean in when they are younger than when they hit school age. The school events / activities can be overwhelming, and as someone who works full-time but had a stay-at-home mom, the guilt I feel on missing some things is awful. (and I have a lot of flexibility in my job so I don't miss that much….)

It's easier to lean in if you're fine with your very young children being in FT daycare. And you may be, and that's great.

For my husband and me, it's not okay to have to have our infant and toddler (we have two under three) in daycare 40-50 hours a week. And so we have both prioritized flexibility over prestige and compensation while our kids are young. We'll revisit if/when we want to. But for now, we're doing just fine financially, and we talk a lot about how glad we are to be doing what we're doing. Neither of us would trade this time for anything. You do miss things when your kids are in FT daycare, they're just not as obvious as the school play or the big game. I mean that in a truly non-snarky way: it's just the reality of the situation.

I agree it depends on the person and perhaps how they grew up. I don't remember daycare but I do remember not be able to participate in games in junior high because my parents couldn't pick me up if I couldn't take the late bus. I also remember not learning how to drive in high school because we moved to a place where kids learned younger and I missed the combined driver's ed/PE class and would have to take driver's ed after school. I don't remember my parents ever coming to watch me play in a game. If I couldn't or didn't want to lean out the whole time while raising kids and had to pick a time I agree that I would pick elementary over daycare. I also like the idea of my spouse being equally involved during the elementary years and not that one parent works crazy hours so the other parent can do all the child related activities. We haven't experienced middle school or high school yet with the kids yet so I'm not sure of the demands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just sent a long letter to my mom the other day (it was her birthday) thanking her for all the special things she did for me when I was growing up. She was a working mom who put flexibility and being there above career advancement until my siblings and I were in high school.

Some of the things on the list were reading to me every night, sewing costumes for Halloween, taking us on long walks, doing arts and crafts with us, engaging in magical "pretend play" with us, teaching us how to cook and bake, always coming to our plays and music recitals, always being there for us when we needed her advice, and making us feel like the most loved people in the world.

In reading your post, I just realized NONE of these required a huge salary. NONE of the things I am so grateful to my mom for and that have had such an impact on my life were related to money. They were ALL about the time she spent with us and the amount she involved herself in our lives.

Subconsciously, I'm sure I realized that long ago -- I am "leaning out" so I can be there for my DD and DS in the same way my mom was for me. I truly think there are some things that are worth more than money, and the confidence, love, and happiness I still feel every day because of my amazing mother's involvement in my life could not be replaced by the biggest fortune in the world.

This is so sweet. I hope my children would want to write a post like this for me when they're adults! Something to aspire to.

[Anonymous]

You're in a bad spot. I leaned in before I had kids, which was in my mid 30s, and took my foot off the pedal ever since I became a mom. Now, at almost 50, I'm glad I didn't have to worry about working more than 8 to 5 once the kids came along. And kids just get more demanding as they get older, not less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only thing I would say is that I've now realized (my daughter is 8) that is actually easier to lean in when they are younger than when they hit school age. The school events / activities can be overwhelming, and as someone who works full-time but had a stay-at-home mom, the guilt I feel on missing some things is awful. (and I have a lot of flexibility in my job so I don't miss that much….)

It's easier to lean in if you're fine with your very young children being in FT daycare. And you may be, and that's great.

For my husband and me, it's not okay to have to have our infant and toddler (we have two under three) in daycare 40-50 hours a week. And so we have both prioritized flexibility over prestige and compensation while our kids are young. We'll revisit if/when we want to. But for now, we're doing just fine financially, and we talk a lot about how glad we are to be doing what we're doing. Neither of us would trade this time for anything. You do miss things when your kids are in FT daycare, they're just not as obvious as the school play or the big game. I mean that in a truly non-snarky way: it's just the reality of the situation.

My kids are young teens, and we used daycare for up to 50 hours a week from the time they were 3 months old. It was definitely the right choice for us because now I can afford to be semi-retired and not miss anything. To me, milestones when kids are 12 are much more interesting and important than when kids are 2 but of course YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just sent a long letter to my mom the other day (it was her birthday) thanking her for all the special things she did for me when I was growing up. She was a working mom who put flexibility and being there above career advancement until my siblings and I were in high school.

Some of the things on the list were reading to me every night, sewing costumes for Halloween, taking us on long walks, doing arts and crafts with us, engaging in magical "pretend play" with us, teaching us how to cook and bake, always coming to our plays and music recitals, always being there for us when we needed her advice, and making us feel like the most loved people in the world.

In reading your post, I just realized NONE of these required a huge salary. NONE of the things I am so grateful to my mom for and that have had such an impact on my life were related to money. They were ALL about the time she spent with us and the amount she involved herself in our lives.

Subconsciously, I'm sure I realized that long ago -- I am "leaning out" so I can be there for my DD and DS in the same way my mom was for me. I truly think there are some things that are worth more than money, and the confidence, love, and happiness I still feel every day because of my amazing mother's involvement in my life could not be replaced by the biggest fortune in the world.

Love this. Feel the same way about my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious for PPs and others on this board that feel like they have a good work/life balance- do you work full time? Part time? Out of home or in home?

Full time out of the home, but I have a short commute, an involved spouse and the money to outsource chores and errands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. 18:07, no, I don't want more prestige at work and I actually enjoy my time - and appreciate the flexibility. I love my time with family - it is the highlight of my days.

I just worry that in 5, 10, 15 years will I regret not having pushed harder in my career to bring more money into the pot.

We are comfortable but I don't know that DH and I will ever be able to afford the private college education that DH got from his family or the support for my grad school education that I got from my family. So I struggle with that and feeling like it's either time with my family or time with my job. Don't want my children to feel cheated.

Then spend time with them and let them finance their own grad school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious for PPs and others on this board that feel like they have a good work/life balance- do you work full time? Part time? Out of home or in home?

Full time out of the home and I have a long commute (1 hour each way) but I am able to work from home two days a week on most weeks. The commute would not work without the telework, I would have to change jobs.

I'm the PP who hopes to go part time once DD is in school. That will require changing jobs too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious for PPs and others on this board that feel like they have a good work/life balance- do you work full time? Part time? Out of home or in home?

Full time out of the home and I have a long commute (1 hour each way) but I am able to work from home two days a week on most weeks. The commute would not work without the telework, I would have to change jobs.

I'm the PP who hopes to go part time once DD is in school. That will require changing jobs too.

I work full time with a short commute. I always think I want to lean in mentally, but when I was actually doing it, I hated it. I was stressed all of the time and never present with my kids. I was always working from home - rushing them through dinner and bed so I could get back on the laptop. I made a job change last year to lean out, while still doing professional work. Sometimes I think to myself, I should not be "underemployed" and doing more for my career, but then I get to go to leave work early to go to my son's little league game, see my daughter's preschool performance, and know that I made the right choice for now. I do not regret being there and involved - they ask me to be there. Some day they won't ... When they are older, I can get back in on the job charge.

[Anonymous]

Mine are older (middle school age) and I'm beginning to lean in and I can't believe the guilt/struggle/ambivalence I feel. Maybe b/c I've been able to be there for them and with them for so long that transitioning back seems really hard. I guess the lesson is that this is hard no matter what age your children.

Anyone been there and have good advice?

[Anonymous]

I don't know if it is a coincidence or not but I got laid off two years ago. Then suffered a mild health crisis and stopped actively looking for work. So, I was forced to lean out against my will and had some resentments to say the least (to the world not my kid). But, in the last two years I did focus on my now 6 yo and I gave him lots of love and attention. And his teachers always tell me that he is "such a happy kid." A substitute teacher saw him in the mall and went up to him and they hugged and she said how he made such an impression on her and that he told her she was his Valentine.

Just today he told me "I need love" and "you love me so much." I am taking some online classes to get back on track for when I eventually go back to work. But, I have really come to enjoy being there for my child more than I ever thought possible. Ideally, I would like to start a business and work from home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just sent a long letter to my mom the other day (it was her birthday) thanking her for all the special things she did for me when I was growing up. She was a working mom who put flexibility and being there above career advancement until my siblings and I were in high school.

Some of the things on the list were reading to me every night, sewing costumes for Halloween, taking us on long walks, doing arts and crafts with us, engaging in magical "pretend play" with us, teaching us how to cook and bake, always coming to our plays and music recitals, always being there for us when we needed her advice, and making us feel like the most loved people in the world.

In reading your post, I just realized NONE of these required a huge salary. NONE of the things I am so grateful to my mom for and that have had such an impact on my life were related to money. They were ALL about the time she spent with us and the amount she involved herself in our lives.

Subconsciously, I'm sure I realized that long ago -- I am "leaning out" so I can be there for my DD and DS in the same way my mom was for me. I truly think there are some things that are worth more than money, and the confidence, love, and happiness I still feel every day because of my amazing mother's involvement in my life could not be replaced by the biggest fortune in the world.

Wonderful post, PP. Thank you. Everything you've noted is reassuring. Appreciate it.

-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're in a bad spot. I leaned in before I had kids, which was in my mid 30s, and took my foot off the pedal ever since I became a mom. Now, at almost 50, I'm glad I didn't have to worry about working more than 8 to 5 once the kids came along. And kids just get more demanding as they get older, not less.

OP here. I've leaned in for the last 10 years and moved up in my field pretty quickly - it's just not on a track that pays a ton of many right now. The promise of more money is at the Senior VP level and for that I would have to push pretty hard at my firm over the next three or four years to get there.

I get your point abut the older years being demanding too, so that is certainly on my mind as part of the big picture. I want to be at the recitals, games, and present after school for homework, etc.