Do you regret not being more hard-charging / leaning in in your career?

[Anonymous]

No. Keep the flexibility to have time with your kids. You are investing in their emotional health now. Their idea of family, security, engagement, etc. Model a balanced career/family life for them. As long as you've got the financial basics covered, you are all good.

College will work itself out. There may be a tuition bubble burst. Your kids may get scholarships. That's still an unknown.

[Anonymous]

I'm curious for PPs and others on this board that feel like they have a good work/life balance- do you work full time? Part time? Out of home or in home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm struggling with making decisins about the next phase of my career. I'm a mom of two young children (3 year old and 7 month old). I am the primary breadwinner at a job that is pretty demanding offers some flexibility. My husband makes about a third of what I make - our HHI is $180K.

There is growth potential in my field if I really push forward, work 60 - 70 hour weeks, and am very aggressive about my trajectory. The upside is that I could make upwards of $250K a year within the next five years. The downside is I would never see my children awake and even my weekends would include work.

I can float where I am now or take another similar role that allows for a lot of flexibility and minimal pay growth. Or I can 'lean in" and be more hard charging.

I'm inclined to take the job that allows me to see my kids, see them grow up, be at their games and plays, etc.... but I worry about letting my family down financially. Money is tight, though we cover the basics (retirement, college savings, activities for the kids, clothes, etc).

I worry that I will regret not working harder to afford my children college tuition to any school they want or not being able to give them a nice nest egg when they marry pr even being able to afford family travel.

I'm 40, so I'm not a spring chicken.

Can anyone relate? Do you regret not going for it? Why or why not?

I stuck it out until my youngest was in kindergarten and I had made it to a senior executive position. There were lots of very long days, travel, and weekend work to get there. It was very stressful and I did have to miss some of the events and things while they were little, but I'm glad I did it. By working so hard and making it to the executive level with bonuses and such I was able to save quite a bit for college and retirement, completely pay off my husband's and my student loans, pay off our cars, and pay down enough on the mortgage that we were able to refinance at a much lower rate. I moved to a government position almost as soon as my youngest started public kindergarten (no more tuition!) -- which meant a 6-figure pay cut -- but I could do it without stressing about our financial security. Now I can do stuff with the family every weekend, sleep an hour later every morning, not have to check my email at night….it's nice. Because I left as a very senior person, I think it will be easier for me to go back to private sector if I want.

[Anonymous]

I'm like you, OP, but I'm really bored at work... Not sure what to do.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I regret not seeking promotions. I was good at what I did and had no desire to advance. As the years passed a younger generation entered the organization and they eagerly sought advancements. As they advanced and I did not I became less respected and appreciated in the organization.

I attribute this to everything being relative to our own position in life. The employees many of whom I mentored when they first arrived fresh out of college had now become my supervisors. Ironically, they came to believe they had succeeded because they were smart, capable, and ambitious which was true. Unfortunately, the flip side of that was the same people came to believe, I had not been promoted because I lacked those same qualities which had made them successful.

Inasmuch as a result of longevity, I was at the top of my pay scale and the organization could hire two newbies for the cost of my salary management began to phase me out. They didn't fire me, but they moved me around, made me uncomfortable, gave me less-desirable assignments and in general made taking an early retirement seem more desirable than remaining in an organization where I was no longer respected or wanted.

I should have sought promotions when my time-in-service and expertise warranted advancements. People came to believe without me really knowing it as time passed that if I had actually been any good at my job, I would have been promoted years ago. Ultimately, in one way or another, I was encouraged to resign. It still saddens me because I still had many productive years ahead of me.

In short, when the time come for advancements you should take them. In the end you may not wind up like Willy Loman and me, but it will alway remain a possibility.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like many of us are grappling with the same issues (no surprise there, right!). I've prioritized flexibility/family balance for a number of years and am considering ramping back up now that my youngest is about to start middle school. Have others successfully managed their own ramping-up while also getting the kids into the middle school years? I understand that, on some level, kids need us more in the pre-teen years. But, I also know that there are many hours in the day when the kids will be in school and activities, so it could be a good time for me to take on more work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. 18:07, no, I don't want more prestige at work and I actually enjoy my time - and appreciate the flexibility. I love my time with family - it is the highlight of my days.

I just worry that in 5, 10, 15 years will I regret not having pushed harder in my career to bring more money into the pot.

We are comfortable but I don't know that DH and I will ever be able to afford the private college education that DH got from his family or the support for my grad school education that I got from my family. So I struggle with that and feeling like it's either time with my family or time with my job. Don't want my children to feel cheated.

My mom stayed home with us, which meant that my siblings and I went to public colleges (with scholarships) and I found scholarships/fellowships/loans to make it through grad school as an adult. I don't in any way feel like I was "cheated" by my parents' decision to live modestly for their childrens' benefit.

[Anonymous]

My kids are in high school and career is ramped up. Definitely no regrets. I took non-traditional and lower paying jobs when kids were younger. I was always working and learning but not working long hours and definitely lower pay scale. I ended up fine, able to take a great position when I was ready. We also learned to live on less, so feel like we need less. I'm so glad I stayed true to how I wanted to live my life and can talk about my choices with confidence. I may be really lucky but it can work out.

[Anonymous]

OP here - Thanks for the perspectives and for your encouragement. My heart is completely in the camp of more flexibility, more time with my kids - not just now but as they become tweens and teens, too. I want to be there. But there are moments where I stress about the opportunities that I could afford them if we (I) made more money.

I'm also realizing as I read this that many of my friends and co-workers have much higher HHI than I do, so my sense of what "providing for your kids" means is skewed. It's encouraging that others on this thread have similar HHI and feel like they've made the right choice.

Thank you for your responses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't stand that women have to make these decisions alone within the nuclear family. Marketplace vs. rearing a family. Family and kids are always #1.

Marketplace needs to change. Too many crazy smart women standing in the sidelines. My opinion.

I could not agree more.

[Anonymous]

Hell NO!

[Anonymous]

Anyone else really happy that this thread has turned out to be very honest and supportive (even with different perspectives being shared)! How refreshing and great!

[Anonymous]

Nah. I grew up in a lower-middle class family. It might have been nice to have had more money, but I never felt that my parents let me down somehow by not spending less time with me in order to make more money, which they could have done. In fact, my dad deliberately didn't take jobs that would have meant that he couldn't be home for dinner. I think that my parents did the right thing, and I would much rather have a less financially successful career that allowed me to give more time and energy to my family.

[Anonymous]

The only thing I would say is that I've now realized (my daughter is 8) that is actually easier to lean in when they are younger than when they hit school age. The school events / activities can be overwhelming, and as someone who works full-time but had a stay-at-home mom, the guilt I feel on missing some things is awful. (and I have a lot of flexibility in my job so I don't miss that much….)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only thing I would say is that I've now realized (my daughter is 8) that is actually easier to lean in when they are younger than when they hit school age. The school events / activities can be overwhelming, and as someone who works full-time but had a stay-at-home mom, the guilt I feel on missing some things is awful. (and I have a lot of flexibility in my job so I don't miss that much….)

Yes! This! My DC is just wrapping up kindergarten, and there were lots of opportunities for volunteering at school and class events. In retrospect, the daycare years are easy.