In a hanging conversation, feeling like a dummy

[Anonymous]

Short story: I left ex-H, he did not want to break up, he fought for it and acted completely crazy for a while. We divorced. He finally calmed down about 8 months ago. Since then we have better communication (we co-parent). Definitely friendlier but have never discussed the break up, kept it strictly to co-parenting issues.

Recently, he wrote a very kind email and I responded by letting him know, in more or less words, part of me will always love him. And it's sad we did not make it.

Feeling like a total dummy because he never replied. We've had contact, very friendly and normal, about co-parenting stuff.

I can understand he wouldn't respond out of self-preservation, I know he was very hurt as of course, was I. I can also understand he may not want to open the "Relationship Talk" can of worms. Just feeling dumb about laying it out there but also think it's also good and mature to make amends, especially since we'll be in each other's lives forever.

Hoping I still get a response in some way or another. Feels like a hanging conversation.

[Anonymous]

What kind of response were you expecting? It doesn't really sound like there was a need for a response, based on your description?

[Anonymous]

What are you looking for? I would move on: let it go and stop looking to exH for any kind of validation or relationship beyond co-parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of response were you expecting? It doesn't really sound like there was a need for a response, based on your description?

I don't know if I was expecting something specific but thought he would acknowledge it, since we've never broached the issue.

[Anonymous]

My mom did this 30+ years after she and my dad divorced. He never responded, but that was ok. She was mainly doing it for herself- and was satisfied.

[Anonymous]

RHinVA wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of response were you expecting? It doesn't really sound like there was a need for a response, based on your description?

I don't know if I was expecting something specific but thought he would acknowledge it, since we've never broached the issue.

It sounds like you got closure on the issue, which is good, right? I mean, you said the things you needed to say?

For him, I'm sure his ego was seriously wounded in the divorce. I'm sort of going through this now where my dh's main problem is the feeling of rejection. So maybe he took your statement as getting some of his power back, and feels like if he does not say it back to you, then he regains a power position. He knows you're expecting a response and he's not going to give it to you. Does that make sense? I'm sure you've been dumped in the past and know what a blow to the ego it is.

He also might think you're asking him to say it's okay that you got divorced, when maybe he doesn't feel that way.

Really there's all kinds of things it could be. Are you sure you stated it in such a way that it warranted a response?

Yes, I think it was written in a way that if he wanted to keep the conversation going, he could have. I could see, despite the improved relationship, he may have been shocked I'd say what I did and maybe want to hold onto "some power."

Part of my writing it is definitely due to some guilt of hurting him and also to wanting to just break through all the pain we caused each other. I guess I am hopeful we could be friends.

[Anonymous]

I just reread your Op. So, he wrote you a kind email and you responded with a kind email. Maybe he just took that as the end of the conversation, you know? You're not going to get into a full-on rehash of the emotional issues, but it leaves you both in a good place with regards to each other. If you both wrote positive emails to each other, that seems like a good thing to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

RHinVA wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of response were you expecting? It doesn't really sound like there was a need for a response, based on your description?

I don't know if I was expecting something specific but thought he would acknowledge it, since we've never broached the issue.

It sounds like you got closure on the issue, which is good, right? I mean, you said the things you needed to say?

For him, I'm sure his ego was seriously wounded in the divorce. I'm sort of going through this now where my dh's main problem is the feeling of rejection. So maybe he took your statement as getting some of his power back, and feels like if he does not say it back to you, then he regains a power position. He knows you're expecting a response and he's not going to give it to you. Does that make sense? I'm sure you've been dumped in the past and know what a blow to the ego it is.

He also might think you're asking him to say it's okay that you got divorced, when maybe he doesn't feel that way.

Really there's all kinds of things it could be. Are you sure you stated it in such a way that it warranted a response?

Yes, I think it was written in a way that if he wanted to keep the conversation going, he could have. I could see, despite the improved relationship, he may have been shocked I'd say what I did and maybe want to hold onto "some power."

Part of my writing it is definitely due to some guilt of hurting him and also to wanting to just break through all the pain we caused each other. I guess I am hopeful we could be friends.

Do you think part of the reason why you feel unsettled is because both of you have been using power in your relationship in unhealthy ways, and there was the sense that you had the "upper hand" (since you ended the relationship) until he didn't respond to your email?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

RHinVA wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of response were you expecting? It doesn't really sound like there was a need for a response, based on your description?

I don't know if I was expecting something specific but thought he would acknowledge it, since we've never broached the issue.

It sounds like you got closure on the issue, which is good, right? I mean, you said the things you needed to say?

For him, I'm sure his ego was seriously wounded in the divorce. I'm sort of going through this now where my dh's main problem is the feeling of rejection. So maybe he took your statement as getting some of his power back, and feels like if he does not say it back to you, then he regains a power position. He knows you're expecting a response and he's not going to give it to you. Does that make sense? I'm sure you've been dumped in the past and know what a blow to the ego it is.

He also might think you're asking him to say it's okay that you got divorced, when maybe he doesn't feel that way.

Really there's all kinds of things it could be. Are you sure you stated it in such a way that it warranted a response?

Yes, I think it was written in a way that if he wanted to keep the conversation going, he could have. I could see, despite the improved relationship, he may have been shocked I'd say what I did and maybe want to hold onto "some power."

Part of my writing it is definitely due to some guilt of hurting him and also to wanting to just break through all the pain we caused each other. I guess I am hopeful we could be friends.

OP - as a divorced dad whose exW walked away from the marriage (had an emotional affair at least), your exH has had to deal with a lot of pain - and as man who has gone through something similar, you simply can't understand the level of soul-crushing pain that entailed.

You had your reasons, and I'm not judging you or insinuating anything.

It's not just a hurt ego (there is that aspect), but a whole series of self questioning and self doubting that he has gone through. He may very well be in a better place but he won't let your consolation mean anything to him right now - at least that he wouldn't admit it for fear of being even a little bit vulnerable with you but at the risk of getting stomped on again. The two of you will always be connected and he may even still love you but he won't let himself to feel that again, at least not right now.

sorry if this comes across as harsh but a man in love with his wife who leaves him, hits at the very core of what makes us a man. You've got to let it go - maybe he'll come around at some point and maybe he'll able to talk about it - it may also take him a lot longer than you think. In my own experience I've come to peace with what my exW did (took me almost a year) but I'll never want to talk to her about it - just want her to be happy and for the two of us to raise our kid (as true co-parents) and to be friends. But the past is firmly in the past and it does no good to rehash it.

[Anonymous]

I think you were selfish to write that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

RHinVA wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of response were you expecting? It doesn't really sound like there was a need for a response, based on your description?

I don't know if I was expecting something specific but thought he would acknowledge it, since we've never broached the issue.

It sounds like you got closure on the issue, which is good, right? I mean, you said the things you needed to say?

For him, I'm sure his ego was seriously wounded in the divorce. I'm sort of going through this now where my dh's main problem is the feeling of rejection. So maybe he took your statement as getting some of his power back, and feels like if he does not say it back to you, then he regains a power position. He knows you're expecting a response and he's not going to give it to you. Does that make sense? I'm sure you've been dumped in the past and know what a blow to the ego it is.

He also might think you're asking him to say it's okay that you got divorced, when maybe he doesn't feel that way.

Really there's all kinds of things it could be. Are you sure you stated it in such a way that it warranted a response?

Yes, I think it was written in a way that if he wanted to keep the conversation going, he could have. I could see, despite the improved relationship, he may have been shocked I'd say what I did and maybe want to hold onto "some power."

Part of my writing it is definitely due to some guilt of hurting him and also to wanting to just break through all the pain we caused each other. I guess I am hopeful we could be friends.

OP - as a divorced dad whose exW walked away from the marriage (had an emotional affair at least), your exH has had to deal with a lot of pain - and as man who has gone through something similar, you simply can't understand the level of soul-crushing pain that entailed.

You had your reasons, and I'm not judging you or insinuating anything.

It's not just a hurt ego (there is that aspect), but a whole series of self questioning and self doubting that he has gone through. He may very well be in a better place but he won't let your consolation mean anything to him right now - at least that he wouldn't admit it for fear of being even a little bit vulnerable with you but at the risk of getting stomped on again. The two of you will always be connected and he may even still love you but he won't let himself to feel that again, at least not right now.

sorry if this comes across as harsh but a man in love with his wife who leaves him, hits at the very core of what makes us a man. You've got to let it go - maybe he'll come around at some point and maybe he'll able to talk about it - it may also take him a lot longer than you think. In my own experience I've come to peace with what my exW did (took me almost a year) but I'll never want to talk to her about it - just want her to be happy and for the two of us to raise our kid (as true co-parents) and to be friends. But the past is firmly in the past and it does no good to rehash it.

Thank you so much for sharing your perspective. I understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Short story: I left ex-H, he did not want to break up, he fought for it and acted completely crazy for a while. We divorced. He finally calmed down about 8 months ago. Since then we have better communication (we co-parent). Definitely friendlier but have never discussed the break up, kept it strictly to co-parenting issues.

Recently, he wrote a very kind email and I responded by letting him know, in more or less words, part of me will always love him. And it's sad we did not make it.

Feeling like a total dummy because he never replied. We've had contact, very friendly and normal, about co-parenting stuff.

I can understand he wouldn't respond out of self-preservation, I know he was very hurt as of course, was I. I can also understand he may not want to open the "Relationship Talk" can of worms. Just feeling dumb about laying it out there but also think it's also good and mature to make amends, especially since we'll be in each other's lives forever.

Hoping I still get a response in some way or another. Feels like a hanging conversation.

It probably kills him every time he has to talk to you or pick up the kid. And if you date and remarry, it will be beyond pain for him because then another man is living with you and helping to raise his kids. Truthfully, if I were your ex, I would never communicate unless absolutely necessary due to parenting issues.

[Anonymous]

"It probably kills him every time he has to talk to you or pick up the kid. And if you date and remarry, it will be beyond pain for him because then another man is living with you and helping to raise his kids. Truthfully, if I were your ex, I would never communicate unless absolutely necessary due to parenting issues. "

+1000

You are out of your mind if you think you can "make amends" via email.

[Anonymous]

I do not know how you could divorce someone who loves you and is devastated by the thought of not being with you. People like that are hard to find in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not know how you could divorce someone who loves you and is devastated by the thought of not being with you. People like that are hard to find in life.

Because everything in American society is me me me me me me me me me me