Childless aunt wonders: should I stop giving gifts to my nieces/nephews?

[Anonymous]

My siblings are both well off and have kids who have tons of books, toys, etc.

I usually have given them gifts four to five times a year: birthdays, Christmas, maybe easter and Halloween or just because.

-I have never received a thank you note or phone call once (even though most of these are mailed). This bothered me less when the kids were under seven, since they couldn't write and my siblings are busy, but now that they are older.....

-At the last birthday I gave them books. One hour later, my sister complained to me that in her new, expensive home, there are not enough bookshelves. I said, "oh, should I not get them books then?" And she kinda shrugged.

-I frequently hear or read about parents complaining about gifts. Books they already have. Mother in law gave clothes that were unappreciated (recent thread). Stuffed animals are not desired, this toy was too noisy, that one too big, that one plastic from china, etc. others often sound very ungrateful and I wonder if they just don't want gifts period.

I don't have much money, the kids' parents have tons of money. Should I just stop sending gifts?

[Anonymous]

I would scale back the gifts to Christmas & Birthday. Send a Happy Halloween card if you want (I loved getting mail as a kid)

[Anonymous]

Donate to charity.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. On birthdays, is it ok for me to only send gifts to the kids whose birthday it is?

[Anonymous]

Nothing you can do about the no "thank you". If you want to continue giving out of the goodness of your heart, you should.

If she is resisting books because of space, ask her if there's anything they want or need. While gift receivers should be grateful for anything they get, the fact is parents have preferences based on space or types of toys. See what would be most appreciated so you don't feel like you're wasting your time or money.

If she just doesn't want more "stuff" what about experience gifts, like a sleepover or an ice cream outing. My sister has very limited space and I have limited funds - these kind of outings suit both out needs and the kids are thrilled with the time with me and our special outings. Win-win.

Again, she SHOULD be gracious about anything, but when giving gifts you also have to keep in mind the preferences of the receiver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. On birthdays, is it ok for me to only send gifts to the kids whose birthday it is?

Whaaaaaaaat? Why would you send anything to the other kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. On birthdays, is it ok for me to only send gifts to the kids whose birthday it is?

Whaaaaaaaat? Why would you send anything to the other kids?

Op here. Because in one of the families one time when I gave presents to just the birthday boy, his older sibling (6) got really upset and accused me of not giving her a present for her birthday (which was not true, I had given her one, but it was a few weeks late since I brought it in person). Her parents seem to think that you should give a big gift to the birthday boy and small ones to the other kids to stave off jealousy.

[Anonymous]

My husband and his aunt (who did not have kids) are really close and it's a great bond. I think you should do what you can to foster that relationship. It sounds like they don't need material things, so I think the gift of time (especially if you're local) might be a better fit.

[Anonymous]

Scale back your gifts and since the kids are getting older I would vote for going the experience path instead of material. So if you are close by or visit your gift could be things like going to a play/movie/dinner with you. If you do not live nearby you can still give that type of gift. I know my elementary age kids LOVE getting 2 movie tickets as a gift. That means they get to pick a friend and go to the movies!!! For Christmas you could do a gift for the entire family such as a membership to something or tickets to an event they might all like: Wolftrap, baseball game, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would scale back the gifts to Christmas & Birthday. Send a Happy Halloween card if you want (I loved getting mail as a kid)

+1. The Halloween card idea is a good one--those are the best!

[Anonymous]

No way. Gift only to the birthday kid. Cut down to birthday and maybe Christmas with cards for other occasions. I also agree with the experiences idea: movies, ice cream shop, afternoon tea, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Scale back your gifts and since the kids are getting older I would vote for going the experience path instead of material. So if you are close by or visit your gift could be things like going to a play/movie/dinner with you. If you do not live nearby you can still give that type of gift. I know my elementary age kids LOVE getting 2 movie tickets as a gift. That means they get to pick a friend and go to the movies!!! For Christmas you could do a gift for the entire family such as a membership to something or tickets to an event they might all like: Wolftrap, baseball game, etc.

Excellent idea. Years from now, they (and you) will remember your experiences together. They won't remember the stuff. Take pics!

[Anonymous]

With my nephews who live close by I try and give them experiences for their birthdays or Christmas. They too have lots and lots of stuff. But when I do give a material gift they are always appreciative and say thank you. But I might give them tickets to go to the circus with me. Or go to some special event together. They get to do something fun and I get to spend time with them. Win,win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. On birthdays, is it ok for me to only send gifts to the kids whose birthday it is?

Whaaaaaaaat? Why would you send anything to the other kids?

Op here. Because in one of the families one time when I gave presents to just the birthday boy, his older sibling (6) got really upset and accused me of not giving her a present for her birthday (which was not true, I had given her one, but it was a few weeks late since I brought it in person). Her parents seem to think that you should give a big gift to the birthday boy and small ones to the other kids to stave off jealousy.

This is PATHETIC. Do not feed into their program to turn their kids into entitled brats. Give only to the birthday person. I hope they don't let the sibs blow out candles too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. On birthdays, is it ok for me to only send gifts to the kids whose birthday it is?

Whaaaaaaaat? Why would you send anything to the other kids?

Op here. Because in one of the families one time when I gave presents to just the birthday boy, his older sibling (6) got really upset and accused me of not giving her a present for her birthday (which was not true, I had given her one, but it was a few weeks late since I brought it in person). Her parents seem to think that you should give a big gift to the birthday boy and small ones to the other kids to stave off jealousy.

I'm sorry, but these kids sound incredibly spoiled. First of all, the parents should have reprimanded the kid for even saying anything to you. Gifts are gifts -- not expectations, not dues, not requirements. A child needs to be taught that.

I would scale back dramatically with the gifts. It's not that you should expect anything in return. It's that it's obvious these kids are spoiled, and you need to stop contributing to that.

And if you send a birthday gift, just send it to the birthday kid. If other kids complain when you see them, then you explain, "well, when it is your birthday, you will get a gift." And leave it at that. If the parents have an issue with that, then, personally, I would stop giving birthday gifts.