Is it ever okay for DH to call wife a "b*tch" or "f-ck you" on a regular basis?
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Anonymous
| Hmm, maybe once every 3-6 months, as long as stuff's or punches aren't getting thrown -- I could see someone being okay with that. Not saying someone has to be okay with that, though. |
Anonymous
| What about " you're a piece of shit", cunt and "go fuck yourself". .... That's verbal abuse too right? |
Anonymous
| Is it OK for a wife to say to a husband "nobody else would ever want you"? Yes OP, your husband is verbally abusive and the truth is that it can be even more damaging than physical abuse. I am counting the days until I leave.... |
Anonymous
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I admit to being the angry-words one in our relationship; my husband has raised his voice twice ever and cursed once. I can't tell you how CATHARTIC it feels to yell and curse, but I know that it's wrong, damaging, and childish. I'm working on it. I do my damnedest to control it the best I can; I've never cursed in front of our children and never thrown things or hit (despite being tempted) and I've stopped slamming doors despite how incredibly satisfying it is. Again, I'm working on it all so don't bother with the flames.
I'm not horrified by your husband's words, said occasionally or in the heat of real anger and frustration (i.e.: not over a freaking SANDWICH). I am horrified by the sense I get that he's not bothered by it, feels entitled to say it, uses it as regular derogatory language, and has done so around your children. Totally different game, in my book. Life's complicated. What's clear to me is that everyone should be trying to improve and change. I do individual therapy to deal with my anger, and couples counseling to keep us moving along. I take medication that I don't like to try to improve myself. My children, my loves, are 6 and 4 and have never cursed, never hit, are seemingly well-adjusted and doing well in school. I use that as my barometer that I've kept my poison mostly to myself. I'm sure it's seeped out at times, but I'm getting better and better. Life is so much better now than it was a few years ago. I guess the point of my rambling is that your husband should be trying a whole hell of a lot harder than he is. If I can do it, seriously anyone can. |
Anonymous
| No never and we'd been married for 23 yrs. |
Anonymous
You just called him an asshole...double standard? |
Anonymous
| OP I'm in the same boat with DH and reading your post almost made me cry. MY 5 YO is now repeating some of the hate that comes out of his mouth and for me he does it without any reason. He's mad about work, his dad, whatever and I'm the verbal punching bag. Maybe we should start a support group, seriously, I know I could use a sounding board. I feel bad confiding in my mom all the time, its starting to stress her out too much. |
Anonymous
| This is OP. Wow, I have been in denial for many years, and for PP, yes a support group would be great. I was shocked when I brought DH into an anger management type thing that he actual may have deep clinical depression, and that for some men their depression manifests itself in "rage." For those in my boat, please get your DH checked out by a professional. I did not know after years of this that the underlying cause might be a chemical imbalance. |
Anonymous
| And for PP with the five year old : my oldest is almost 5, and it breaks my heart to hear him repeating the hate. Does your healtth insurance cover therapy? Would your husband go in -- for the sake of the family and children? |
Anonymous
| 10:04 here, he won't go to therapy, been trying for years, he admits he gets angry but doesn't take full responsibility for it, blames me etc. also he drinks heavily and doesn't remember some of the episodes clearly if at all. |
Anonymous
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Jesus you two, why on earth are you putting up with this treatment? You're exposing your kids to this environment, and they're beginning to repeat the circle of behavior. HOW IS THIS ACCEPTABLE? Kick their asses to the curb, spine up with some self-confidence, and do what's best for you and your child, and for the rest of society while we're at it. I know it's easier said than done, and I really do feel for you, but I don't know what I'd do to control myself if my DH ever spoke to me that way. His ass would be out the door, for sure.
Sorry I sound so bitchy, I feel the big sis in me coming out, wanting to swoop in and give a can of whoop ass to your husbands. Good luck to you, and GET OUT! |
Anonymous
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NP here. 14:23, you do actually sound bitchy. Some of us find ourselves on the receiving end of verbal abuse and to see your first comment be why are you putting up with this?? How about because people like you blame us for it and next thing you know it's been years of it. You yourself blamed the OP for exposing her children to it, NOT her husband. Do you think perhaps her self esteem has taken enough hits, both inside and outside of the marriage? Why did you feel the need to pile on and put all of the responsibility on her? Where is any accountability for the husband for the name calling? Your whole post is about blaming her.
Don't ever tell people how you would handle something unless you've experienced it yourself. You have no idea how it feels to be called names by the person you married, the father of your children. It's horrifying and sad and soul crushing. And you make it worse. |
Anonymous
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OP here: I am sorry to the PP whose husband refuses to see a counselor..... Can you see one on your own to have a professional give advice? As someone who has been in this cycle, I feel like it could be powerful to have a professional advise on what to do, how to break the cycle, etc.....
To the PP who said her "big sister" instinct was coming out, I understand where you are coming from.... It is true that if I, objectively speaking in third person looking in at my situation for the first time....that I would say it is ridiculous and how could I stay (or get into) in this situation? I am confident generally, and a "rock" in the family with humor and a positive attitude -- so it would shock most of my friends and neighbors if they knew what was going on.... I guess my problem is that this has never happened to me before with anyone else, that it crept up slowly over time, small boundaries of name-calling crossed, with me too busy with career and kids to get sucked into feeling upset about it for more than a few hours of being upset....then cheering up, focusing on "productive things".... and it really is a cycle, and I am probably guilty of letting this slide for a long time.... And to the PP who said it is "soul-crushing"....it really is.... terrible to be called these things by a spouse..... especially since I grew up as a "daddy's girl" and didn't see this dynamic as a child..... And all I can say is that if this happens enough on a regular basis you get to feel de-sensitized to the names, somewhat, and treat it as the new "normal" .... even though it is clearly not.... and I am so conditioned to it that I have to -- ridiculously - post this question on an internet forum! Since posting it, I have realized that this is NOT normal nad I thank all the posters for helping me realize this... however ridiculous the question at first blush must seem.... For those going through this now, or reading this at some point int he archives, if you have been called these names by your spouse, please get yourself to a therapist, or preferably a couples therapist, so they can diagnose the problem. Can medication help? Is there a bipolar problem? Other thing that can explain the behavior -- or is it "abuse"? Can the person be rehabilitated? Or is it better to move on? I do not know the answer to this question yet for my self.... |
Anonymous
Thank you for this post, OP. I've felt so stupid for tolerating horrible behavior. When I finally started sharing with family and friends, I'll never forget the shock in their faces. I felt like such an idiot. My good friend actually turned pale, which is something, since she's half-Korean and her skin isn't pale. But you're absolutely right about how this sort of thing creeps up on you. So many "together" people fall into this dynamic, and stay in it for years. In my case, I had to move on, OP. I'm not sure why the abuser refuses to let go of the abusive dynamic. Over a period of about 6 years, I told my abuser repeatedly that I'd have to cut off the relationship if this continued, and it not only continued but escalated. I hope you can work this out with your DH if that's what you want, but it doesn't sound like your DH - at this point - is willing to own the problem. |
Anonymous
| It's abusive. |