Is it ever okay for DH to call wife a "b*tch" or "f-ck you" on a regular basis?

[Anonymous]

OP -- my husband has called me names like that. I think I have low self-esteem from having been raped by two AA guys when I was 16. My dad was quite loud and verbally abusive to my mother. I think I self-medicate with food and don't even take the words in. It's hard to imagine humans calling each other such horrible things. My husband is from the midwest too FWIW.

[Anonymous]

How many other folks are living in denial of verbal abuse? It is like the Stockholm syndrome perhaps where people adjust to their environment and develop empathy to excuse their persecutors?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -- my husband has called me names like that. I think I have low self-esteem from having been raped by two AA guys when I was 16. My dad was quite loud and verbally abusive to my mother. I think I self-medicate with food and don't even take the words in. It's hard to imagine humans calling each other such horrible things. My husband is from the midwest too FWIW.

What difference does it make that they were AA? Is that pertinent? Is your husband AA? Stop being racist. They didn't rape you because they were AA but because they were racist. Since your daddy was an abuser as is your precious "midwest" husband, I'd stop looking at outside appearances and start looking at character. That might protect you in the future from more poor relationship decision making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Serious question for the OP. do you set him off? Are you doing things that makes him so mad?

And even if this were true, calling your wife names like, "bitch" because you are mad is unacceptable. Especially in front of the kids.

Adults need to be able to control themselves and their mouths.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -- my husband has called me names like that. I think I have low self-esteem from having been raped by two AA guys when I was 16. My dad was quite loud and verbally abusive to my mother. I think I self-medicate with food and don't even take the words in. It's hard to imagine humans calling each other such horrible things. My husband is from the midwest too FWIW.

What difference does it make that they were AA? Is that pertinent? Is your husband AA? Stop being racist. They didn't rape you because they were AA but because they were racist. Since your daddy was an abuser as is your precious "midwest" husband, I'd stop looking at outside appearances and start looking at character. That might protect you in the future from more poor relationship decision making.

sorry, because they were rapists, not racists.

[Anonymous]

I almost can't imagine a man speaking to a woman this way, esp in front of kids. It's intolerable.

[Anonymous]

Never okay to be demeaned by anyone, period. Unacceptable, period. My DH would never utter such words b/c he respects me. He's abusive, and he's chipping away at your self esteem.

To the deluded person who thinks their DH calls them this b/c she was raped by two AA men, think again. He would find anything to condemn you for. Agreed, they raped you because they were rapists, not because they were black men. They could have been aliens, or you could have not been raped and your DH would still condemn you b/c he is abusive, and has low self esteem.

[Anonymous]

My ex used to do this. It wasn't in itself the reason themarriage ended. It was his way of saying "I don't love you," which is why it ended.

[Anonymous]

No, this is not normal behavior. He needs to seek anger management, and you need to decide whether you want to keep living with someone who cannot treat you with respect.

[Anonymous]

NP here. It was good to read everyone's comments as I am in a similar position as OP. Question- does blaming one's spouse often accompany verbal abuse? My DH seems to blame me for any of his bad behavior, including calling me names/cursing at me -- his response to my asking him not to do this is " well you were being difficult/bitchy/annoying" etc. He does not acknowledge that he has some fundamental anger management issue or difficulty handling stress. Can a therapist get through on this? Some weak part of me worries that they might agree that it is all my fault...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. It was good to read everyone's comments as I am in a similar position as OP. Question- does blaming one's spouse often accompany verbal abuse? My DH seems to blame me for any of his bad behavior, including calling me names/cursing at me -- his response to my asking him not to do this is " well you were being difficult/bitchy/annoying" etc. He does not acknowledge that he has some fundamental anger management issue or difficulty handling stress. Can a therapist get through on this? Some weak part of me worries that they might agree that it is all my fault...

Blaming the victim is CLASSIC abuser behavior. IT IS NEVER YOUR FAULT. Can you see how much your DH's abuse has damaged you and your self esteem? This is a horrible example for kids.

Please get help ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's disrespectful to you and your kids. Put your foot down. Do not let that asshole cross boundaries without SEVERE consequences like seriously kicking his sorry ass to the curb.

You just called him an asshole...double standard?

Um, no. The pp you are responding to is not talking about her OWN husband. How we speak to our spouses would be the point of the thread.

[Anonymous]

OP, sorry to pile on, but his behavior is unacceptable and a terrible example for the children. I don't know what you should do. A silents stare? Immediately leaving the premises? Making it clear that if it happens again he will find his shit on the curb? I don't know what works. Also if you are in a unequal power situation - say you are dependent on his income to be able to stay home and care for your child - it's going to be harder for you to follow through. Do you have a relative you could go stay with?

OP please ask yourself: If a man were treating your precious daughter this way, what would you want HER to do? Would you want her to stay with a man like that?

You are just as precious as she is.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am in same boat. What if DH wavers between being sweet and then calling these horrible names, then apologizes, and it continues? I feel like it has gone on so long that I'm de-sensitized to this....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in same boat. What if DH wavers between being sweet and then calling these horrible names, then apologizes, and it continues? I feel like it has gone on so long that I'm de-sensitized to this....

This is the classic cycle of abuse. Please get help to recognize this, especially if there are children involved.