Reply to Is it ever okay for DH to call wife a "b*tch" or "f-ck you" on a regular basis?

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Reply to "Is it ever okay for DH to call wife a "b*tch" or "f-ck you" on a regular basis?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here:  I am sorry to the PP whose husband refuses to see a counselor.....  Can you see one on your own to have a professional give advice?    As someone who has been in this cycle, I feel like it could be powerful to have a professional advise on what to do, how to break the cycle, etc.....

To the PP who said her "big sister" instinct was coming out, I understand where you are coming from....  It is true that if I, objectively speaking in  third person looking in at my situation for the first time....that I would say it is ridiculous and how could I stay (or get into) in this situation?   I am confident generally, and a "rock" in the family with humor and a positive attitude -- so it would shock most of my friends and neighbors if they knew what was going on.... I guess my problem is that this has never happened to me before with anyone else, that it crept up slowly over time, small boundaries of name-calling crossed, with me too busy with career and kids to get sucked into feeling upset about it for more than a few hours of being upset....then cheering up, focusing on "productive things".... and it really is a cycle, and I am probably guilty of letting this slide for a long time....

And to the PP who said it is "soul-crushing"....it really is.... terrible to be called these things by a spouse..... especially since I grew up as a "daddy's girl" and didn't see this dynamic as a child.....  And all I can say is that if this happens enough on a regular basis you get to feel de-sensitized to the names, somewhat, and treat it as the new "normal" .... even though it is clearly not.... and I am so conditioned to it that I have to -- ridiculously - post this question on an internet forum!  Since posting it, I have realized that this is NOT normal nad I thank all the posters for helping me realize this... however ridiculous the question at first blush must seem....

For those going through this now, or reading this at some point int he archives, if you have been called these names by your spouse, please get yourself to a therapist, or preferably a couples therapist, so they can diagnose the problem.  Can medication help?  Is there a bipolar problem?  Other thing that can explain the behavior -- or is it "abuse"?   Can the person be rehabilitated?  Or is it better to move on?  I do not know the answer to this question yet for my self....

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Thank you for this post, OP. I've felt so stupid for tolerating horrible behavior. When I finally started sharing with family and friends, I'll never forget the shock in their faces. I felt like such an idiot. My good friend actually turned pale, which is something, since she's half-Korean and her skin isn't pale. But you're absolutely right about how this sort of thing creeps up on you. So many "together" people fall into this dynamic, and stay in it for years.

In my case, I had to move on, OP. I'm not sure why the abuser refuses to let go of the abusive dynamic. Over a period of about 6 years, I told my abuser repeatedly that I'd have to cut off the relationship if this continued, and it not only continued but escalated. I hope you can work this out with your DH if that's what you want, but it doesn't sound like your DH - at this point - is willing to own the problem.[/quote]

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