What age will you consider your kids "grown up" and no longer bail them out?
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Anonymous
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I have a sophomore in college who's 20. He's gotten in some legal trouble that can be wiped away for about $1000-$1500. DH wants to "write him off" and let him face all consequences on his own. I want to "save" him to keep his future options intact.
I won't just give him the $, but rather draw up a contract which he'll have to agree to repay me by working for me this summer. Regardless, though, I'd be bailing him out again. If this was someone else's child, I'd have less compassion, but since he's mine, my eyes are clouded. On the other hand, I know moms tend to be more tenderhearted and fathers less apt to be pushed-over. So, at what age do you just give tough love and say no? Would you let your child have something on his permanent record that could affect his future if you could prevent it? (His crime hurt no one but himself, fortunately, if that matters.) |
Anonymous
| Is it the first time or a pattern? Will it help to turn things around (realistically, for the long term not just in the moment). Has he followed through with paying you back in the past? Does it involve illegal drugs? Is a hard question to answer, OP. but I can see it makes sense to help your child through rough times, even those of their own making. |
Anonymous
| DH and each of the kids get one strike with financial help for criminal matters of their own causation. That's it. |
Anonymous
| Mroe details ... what type of legal issue? Is it a chronic pattern or related to something like substance abuse? What affect on future opportunities? Feliny or misdemeanor? Is he in college or working at the moment? Does he live with you or does he have his own place? |
Anonymous
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If it is one time, loan the money but make it super clear that there will be no more assistance until it is paid back. Stick to that!
Otherwise, you will end up with a son like my brother. 40 years old and still gets bailed out on a regular basis. At this point, I really don't think he comprehends how money works and how "emergencies" come up all the time for everyone. It has crippled his life. My parents are partially to blame. |
Anonymous
| Just the idea that he's in college (presumably on his way to a degree?), I'd say it's not time to "write him off." He just doesn't sound like the Dr Phil kids that the parents are enabling by always bailing them out. I also fear that one big mistake now can really derail a kid's life and I don't want to be watching that for the next 30-40 years when $1500 could have corrected the course. |
Anonymous
| At 20 and for this small amount of money, I would bail him out this time to avoid a legal problem that could follow him into post-college life. Set up all kinds of other conditions and consequences for his behavior, but there is no reason to cut him off from all help. If this is a pattern and you have done this many times before, maybe it is time for tough love. But, for a kid who hasn't been in trouble before, this seems too harsh. |
Anonymous
| Never. |
Anonymous
| Before you try the tough love approach watch Alpha Dog. if you can afford to help your child, do so. The consequences of teaching a lesson can really be harsh and maybe don't need to be. For the record, your husband sounds like a jerk. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| I have a college sophomore and I'd bail him out. I feel like I need to get my kids through college. what they then do with that opportunity is up to them. The $ sound small. If the behavior is typical college crap then I'd do it. If you think he's got more of a George Hugeley type problem then maybe you need to consider another path. |
Anonymous
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It really depends OP on so many things, but at some point your DS does need to realize he is responsible for his actions, otherwise it is likely to continue and you and DH will find yourselves in this position again.. and soon it will had an impact on your relationship as well (if it hasn't already).
Not saying that now is the time, but think about what you are prepared to continue doing and how to ensure your DS is fully award of the consequences and what you have done for him. (I have a 50 year old BIL who still calls his parents for help frequently - both monetary and legal- my MIL has never separated herself from him and suffers from each indiscretion and the continue every month) It's a tough call and really hard to give advice with so few details. |
Anonymous
11:19 here. My brother has a graduate degree and a decent career. It isn't determinative. Set limits now so that it won't continue. The problems escalate. First a little legal issue. Then an unanticipated theft. Then the unignorable medical issues. Then the child. None of them are easy to ignore on their own, but when you look at it with a wider lens, you see a 40 year old who regularly gets help that probably adds up to $10k/year without ever paying it back all due to "bad luck" and unforeseen circumstances. |
Anonymous
| Another one with 40 year old brother still being bailed out. Need more information on issue, but based on what you are saying it is a good thing that you recognize the danger in enabling.... if you give the money you better damn sure follow through on consequences of not being paid back, him not learning the lesson! |
Anonymous
| 11:19 here. I also believe this was a major reason that my parents divorced after 35 years. It is hugely emotional as the money only comes after tears and desperation, which affects my mother greatly. |