Loving Adopted/Stepchildren = Loving Biological children?

[Anonymous]

I have always loved my stepson. He's a wonderful kid and I'd do just about anything for him. I now have a biological child of my own, and while I still love my stepchild, I'm realizing how different that love is. And, while I wish it weren't the case, I really do love my own flesh-and-blood more.

Good friends with 3 biological children are now in the process of adopting a fourth. For some reason I was making comparisons today as I thought about them. How DO you love that adopted child the same as your biological child? How is that different from loving a stepchild?

I'm not trying to start a fight, I'm just now a little troubled and trying to do my own soul-searching and understanding.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the middle of making dinner so I can't write much now, but I have both adopted and bio children and I love them equally. I was also adopted along with my twin sister. I can write more tonight.

[Anonymous]

I have biological and adopted children and I have to admit that, while I love/adore them all fiercely, there is something primal about the way I love my biological children. It's not something I control, it's just there. Again I love them all and there is nothing I wouldn't do for any of them. Also no one, not even my husband, would be able to tell that there is a difference. They all feel equally special.

[Anonymous]

If you have another bio child, you'll see that you'll love all three differently. It is not "more" or "less", it is different for each child, because each child is an individual. In your situation, it is not biological child vs stepchild, it is younger one vs older. They are in different stages of their development and your emotional response to them is therefore different. Don't beat yourself up, just try to devote more attention to your older child if you feel like he's not getting enough of it.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I don't think comparing step and biological is the same as adopted and biological. I just don't. I do not think I could ever love a step-child as much as my own, but I could see loving an adopted child as much as my own.

[Anonymous]

Depending on the circumstances I think having a stepchild and an adopted
Child are two different things. Sometimes with a stepchild maybe it makes a difference if the child's biological parent is still involved in the child's life, and if the stepchild lives with you only part of the time versus full time. If the child's
Biological parent is your partner's ex that may make a difference. This is just a generalization and certainly not true in every instance. But in general adopted children are chosen, even longed for, and usually fought for. Their adoptive parents are their only parents (really even in the case of open adoption). I have adopted children in my family and I don't see them or love them any differently than the biological children in my family. I admit I don't have any experience with stepchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depending on the circumstances I think having a stepchild and an adopted
Child are two different things. Sometimes with a stepchild maybe it makes a difference if the child's biological parent is still involved in the child's life, and if the stepchild lives with you only part of the time versus full time. If the child's
Biological parent is your partner's ex that may make a difference. This is just a generalization and certainly not true in every instance. But in general adopted children are chosen, even longed for, and usually fought for. Their adoptive parents are their only parents (really even in the case of open adoption). I have adopted children in my family and I don't see them or love them any differently than the biological children in my family. I admit I don't have any experience with stepchildren.

I'm17:05 and I agree with this 100%. A step-child is one that your spouse created with someone else; you, as the step-parent, had nothing to do with that. While an adopted child isn't always biologically related to either parent, they were always (hopefully) brought into your family lovingly and together by both parents. I know when we adopted our child, we certainly put way more time, effort, and thought into that process. With our bio child, all we did was have sex and we didn't even know when he was conceived (he was a surprise). While he was conceived out of love, there certainly was no thought process involved.

Unlike the PP, I don't feel a more primal love for my bio child. Not saying that she or he is wrong to feel like that, but just to let you know that not every adoptive parent shares that feeling. I do think another PP had it right in that while you love your children equally, you love them differently, depending on the stage and phase they're in. When my son was born, I didn't really feel all that bonded with him and neither did my husband or my family. I had to remind them to include him (as much as you can include a newborn)- everyone was all over the adoptee. I might look at my son and intellectually know that he came out of me, but I don't feel any differently about that situation than when I think about my daughter coming out of another woman. But all this might be because, as I mentioned earlier, my sister and I were adopted so adoption has always been a part of my life.

[Anonymous]

[code]If you have another bio child, you'll see that you'll love all three differently. It is not "more" or "less", it is different for each child, because each child is an individual. In your situation, it is not biological child vs stepchild, it is younger one vs older. They are in different stages of their development and your emotional response to them is therefore different. Don't beat yourself up, just try to devote more attention to your older child if you feel like he's not getting enough of it.

I have an adopted child and a biological child. I do not love one more than they other. I love them in different ways because they are different people. I am closer to one child than they other, but that is a product of personality and interests. Thankfully, my husband's personality is more in tune the other child and they have a unique and closer relationship. Biology does not equate love. If it did there would be not neglect or abuse. You can't love any two people exactly the same, children, parents, friends, etc, and it is pointless to try to make comparisons. Love each to the best of your ability. That is all that anyone is capable of doing.

[Anonymous]

I have 2 step-kids who I met when they were fairly older -- pre=teen and teen. I do love them, but not like I love my bio-child. For me, I think it has to do with the fact I only see them once every two weeks, and that they were much older when I met them. But that's me. If they lived under our roof, it would likely be a different story. But as it is, the relationship feels more like they are a niece and nephew.

[Anonymous]

I think it will be different for them. They have 3 bio kids already. They know what it's like to love their kids differently. You have one bio, one step. Your bio is your only benchmark for bio and your step is your only benchmark for step.

[Anonymous]

I am a stepmom and I have a bio child with my husband as well. There's no comparison. I enjoy my stepchild, I think as far as stepkids go, I got lucky- no defiance, no "You're not my mom" and no resentment (that I know of) and no jealousy of the child my husband and I had together. However, I will never love my stepchild the way I love my child. My MIL became a stepmother to my FIL's two sons when they married and she has told me that she doesn't ever expect me to love my stepchild the way I love my DC because I just won't and she understands that since she's been through it as well. Now, as adults, she does love her stepsons, but she still says she'll never love them like she loves her own.

I think it boils down to this: I want my stepchild to succeed and thrive and I don't want anything to happen to them, obviously. But if something ever did, I would move on from it. But if something happened to my own child? I would die. I could live without my stepchild (I could probably do it quite easily, as bad as that sounds to admit) but I could not live without my child. If I go awhile without seeing my stepchild, I don't miss them or yearn to see them, though I'm also not unhappy when they're around.

I can readily admit I love my stepchild less than my own child. That's just human nature. The stepchild is not part of me. But if I had adopted, I would have come to think of that child as my own. I'd have raised him/her; they would have only known me as their mom. I think I could have loved an adopted child as much as a bio child.

[Anonymous]

Please do a child a favor and don't adopt. When you adopt, that child is your child. No difference and if you think there is, don't do it.

Stepchildren are not your children, you are not parenting them and there are clear differences. Its ok to feel differently as its a different relationship and bond.

[Anonymous]

DSC has a mom. I have a different role--supportive, loving, etc, but I am not mom. If we adopted I would be mom to that child. World of difference, I think.

[Anonymous]

Adopted children are planned children. Step children are not planned.

[Anonymous]

Interestingly, the studies on adult adoptees who were raised in a family with bio children, some are very much against the arrangements and think adoption should only be when there are only adopted children, while some others are not against it.
I cannot say what the crystal ball holds.

But with 3 kids already, who do they want another?