Talk me out of adopting as a single woman

[Anonymous]

Here is the short version:

I am 34, own my condo, have savings and investments, good six figure job, vacation 2x year, volunteer, have great friends, hobbies, so this isn't a matter of being bored or having no social circle. For the past year I just have this urge to have a child, to be a mother. I enviously read these boards, recently spent way too much time daydreaming while browsing the aisles in Buy, Buy, Baby for a baby shower gift, almost burst into tears at Dulles on Wednesday watching a family who was on their way to Disney. I've spent tons of time reading up on single women adopting and think it may be an option for me. I feel like something is missing, nothing is really meaningful.

Unfortunately, I don't think marriage is in the cards for me. First relationship lasted six years and he said he was ready to marry me once he graduated from business school. We even went to NYC to look for rings. One month before graduation, his best friend fesses up to tell me he's been cheating. Second serious relationship ended last year. Almost similar story, I was working in NYC during the week for a client, we meet while working, dated and I feel hard for him. When the project was over there was talk of me moving to NYC, but then he confessed that there was a wife and kids living in CT (he lived in the city during the week). He was telling me because he planned on getting a divorce so we could be together, but it was a no go for me. Right now, I'm dating a guy who is a contractor, but really wants to be an artist. Our days are numbered.

So DCUM, tell me why I shouldn't adopt. What am I missing, what don't I know? Burst my bubble...

[Anonymous]

what's wrong with the third guy?

[Anonymous]

Why shouldn't you do this? You're financially secure. I am single and have thought about it (not adopting, but just getting pregnant by a donor or a friend), but I'm a teacher and not nearly financially secure as you. I'd have to ask my parents for help and that's not something I want to do. I'm 38 BTW.

[Anonymous]

I think it is a great idea! However, you are still young and if you are doing that only because you think "marriage is not on the cards for you", with a child in town it will be much harder. Adoptions take forever, so, looking at that side you should initiate the process as soon you make a final decision about moving forward.

GL!

[Anonymous]

Op, wait another couple years and see, you are still VERY young to adopt in honesty.
My friend did and she is around 50ish but her option was limited due to her age and single status.


Give it a few more years and see how dating goes. Yes, having an option to adopt is a good thing and I encourage you to do so when time is right but don't wait until late forties/early fifties.

Meanwhile find something that makes you happy w/o a man or child...travel and go see the world if you haven't done so already. Make friends and get to know a guy before you have a relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

Someone at my last job adopted a baby as a single parent. She honestly couldn't have been happier. If it's what you really want to do, then why not? You'll find a way to make it work.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I won't talk you out of it.

I have two single Girlfriends who BOTH got pregnant with twins via IVF. They are very grateful mothers and I have never head them complain and I know it must be very hard for them.

My only advice is I think you should adopt a girl. I think it very hard on opposite sex children not to have that same sex parent around.

You sound readyN just be smart and plan well.

[Anonymous]

I think you should try Match before adopting or at least while going through the process. Once you have a child, its like having a much needier dog. One that causes you to lose incredible amounts of sleep, money, and friends/interests. Pretty much the only thing keeping me sane is a partner to juggle the hardship and joys. I'm not sure how much of a time sink your job / career is, but it can be difficult to juggle a career and kids. If you have a laid back job then it might be only very difficult rather than impossible with a time & energy consuming job.

[Anonymous]

If you want to adopt, do it, but please be careful about who you date after you bring the child home. That part of your life will change forever. That child will be #1 for a long time! Sew your oats and then make a decision like this.

[Anonymous]

I was 35, very single, really wanted kids and realized I was putting a ton of pressure on myself to get married and have babies, and had absolutely no control over either of those things. So I took them off the table. I decided that I would be ok if I never had kids, that I would appreciate the wonderful things about my life.

ironically, I got pregnant about 10 months later and ended up having a baby at 36. I won't lie to you - it is hard. It is hard even with the dad in the picture (he's the dad but we are no longer together), and it would be harder without him around, both financially and logistically. If you don't have the money for nannies or a good support system or family in the area, it can be incredibly hard to parent without a break. (if your kid's in daycare all day, you feel like a sh*t if you get a sitter in the evening.) I have my daughter 5 days a week and sometimes I am just exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally. there's never enough money, there's never enough time and I miss certain things about my child-free life, like time to myself and dating and going out whenever I wanted to.

That said, being a mom is amazing. My kid is incredible. I've never known love like this before - it feels like the beginning stages of a passionate love affair at times - I just can't believe sometimes how much a person can love another person. But that doesn't happen overnight, and you have to go through a lot of dirty diapers and spit-up and sleep-deprivation to get to that point.

So it's worth it, but you have to be really sure this is what you want, or you could spend a lot of time second-guessing. and if you still hope to find "the" guy, honestly, you have a lot better shot without a kid. single parenting is 24/7 and dating is VERY hard to fit in. So be sure you're ready to choose a kid over a guy. I thought I was ready for that, but some days I'm still not 100% ok with it.

[Anonymous]

You're financially stable and you want to adopt. Go for it.

Depending on how you pursue adoption, it can be a long process. If you want to pursue it, start now.

[Anonymous]

check out the smc website. I'm 38 and made the decision a year ago to try and get pregnant w/ donor sperm. Hasn't happened yet and either it will or it won't but I totally get where you are coming from. There's a great network of women out there who are single moms by choice. BTW I am not even remotely close to being as financially secure as you...I'm a nanny. Adoption isn't even a dream option for me, but I don't believe that only wealthy people should have kids.

[Anonymous]

I agree with those that said 34 is SO young. I am married and have two kids. Most of my friends didn't have their first child until their late 30s. I know you feel the tug to do it, but concentrate on finding a partner and it's easy to say, but enjoy your 30s. You are financially secure. You can travel. I know some people talk about the rapture, but in reality, adoption is tough. Adopting alone is very hard. My girlfriend did it and often, she feels very lonely and insecure. Single parenting is a tough, tough job.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I agree that you may be choosing child or dating, and you seem awfully young to be making that choice right now. Children are wonderful, but you can still have both. More men will want to start their own families than step into one, and trying to find a sitter or work out when he meets your child and deal with all of the other logistics are just added complications you may not need. If they already exist, that's fine, but why add them if you don't need to? And raising a child is more than being tired and late night feedings. The emotional support of a spouse can be invaluable. Again, you can certainly do it alone, but maybe you don't have to...

[Anonymous]

Yes, definitely check out single moms by choice. I am a married mom, but I know quite a few SMC (IVF) who couldn't be happier (and a few for home parenting hasn't been all they thought it would be). GL! On the surface, I don't see any reason why adoption couldn't be a great path for you!