Middle Schooler obsessed with appearance and quite thin

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:T

he only required activity is violin, which she can quit when she's 16. I'm thinking of asking her to quit ballet, but she likes it best of all her activities.

I'm wondering if ballet's bad for her body image, though, with the emphasis on thin-ness, instead of athletic-ness. She's quite good at tennis, though, so it would make more sense for her to stick with that. She loves theater, so does that as well. Most of her MS friends do at least this many activities and more.

I'd give her a little more freedom than that. Instead, tell her that you want her doing one thing for her body and one for her mind outside of school that's enjoyable. I think theatre could count as mind OR body, but violin would count as mind. So she should quit tennis, theatre OR ballet.

It's totally normal for a kid who's reached a certain physiological maturity to spend an hour getting ready. Most grown women would spend that much time getting ready to go out on a date, out with girlfriends, etc., and school is her main place for socializing. I know you said that you never comment negatively on other people's appearances, but do you comment negatively on your own? Do you comment positively on how others treat people? Don't just be inactive on this, be PROactive.

[Anonymous]

I was this kid, and I am now dealing with my own incipient perfectionist. Your DD sounds very anxious. The focus on appearance and weight go way beyond normal middle school behavior and need to be addressed by a professional. Many girls focus on these things to attain a sense of control. Also, do you notice that the activities she is involved in, especially violin and ballet, require "perfection" and likely feed into her anxiety about not being perfect? As for school, many perfectionists stop trying out of fear of failure; this may be why she is rushing through her schoolwork.

Please take her to a psychologist and get her some help. It does not indicate some sort of failure on your part. Some kids are just wired to be anxious and perfectionistic. I blamed many of my issues on my upbringing, spent six years in therapy dealing with them, and try very hard to parent my DDs differently than I was raised, yet I still see many behavioral red flags in one of my daughters.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for your comments PPs. I'll take her to see someone. I can see that she's anxious about her appearance, which could have a variety of causes.

Excellent points, 8:17. Her music teacher is a total perfectionist (to the point of insanity). Her ballet teacher demands perfection, as does her theater teacher. It didn't occur to me until this moment how much pressure that must put on her! Plus she goes to a very competitive school. She's had all these activities for years (plus swimming), and it hasn't been a problem, but she had less demanding teachers in the past.

I'll have to think about whether she's rushing through her schoolwork because of fear of failure. That feels counterintuitive to me. The schoolwork is much harder now, and maybe she doesn't have the patience to do it all well. But getting C's can't help her self-esteem, which is why I've been helping her with her homework/studying for tests. She always does well when I help her, so I know she has the ability to learn, she just doesn't slow down enough to do things carefully.

[Anonymous]

I will echo the PP's and say PLEASE take her to see a psychiatrist, psychologist- the sooner the better.

You will need to find someone who specializes in adolescent eating disorders and anxiety. If you don't find someone who has that specialty AND gels with your daughter you may lose too much time.

Both my mother and grandmother were professional ballet dancers into adulthood. My mom took me out of it when I was young because of the possibility of long-term damage to your body (and your psyche). It's a rough sport and comepletly unforgiving in many ways.

You mentioned that since seeing the last psychiatrist you have been spending more time with her. How do you arrange the time? Can you carve out time every week for an activity that is important to her?

Having two special needs children in the house has to affect her in ways you're probably not aware (another reason for her to speak to a professional). But you and your husband should talk to her about it also. There might be changes that can be made at home that help her feel better in some way.

Good luck to all of you!

[Anonymous]

I think that you have probably inadverently put her into much too much pressure. Each one of her activites is perfectionistic and difficult by itself not to mention altogether. She cannot be a professional in any on of them (you would know that by now), but she can drive herself crazy doing all of them. Grades are really the most important (not to mention her mental health) and that is the one activity that is clearly not working. You are an adult, you need to make a decision to cut back. Why is violin the most important? I think family therapy, and please before it is too late.

[Anonymous]

Hope my little story helps- I have a very dear cousin (more like sister relationship) and her OCD manifests this way most obviously. She has struggled with it since she was a child in different ways and it took a lot of adjustment of meds and therapies through her teens and 20s as her body and mind changed and developed but for the most part she is doing well now. You can tell when her life is particularly stressful though because its always the perfectionism in appearance in ways that no one else can notice that comes out (like taking an extra 90 minutes to get to christmas dinner because she just couldn't leave her mom's house because her makeup and hair weren't "right"), its hard and sad to watch BUT its only a small part of her, and that's important to note once you are on the right path to help.

Good luck,

[Anonymous]

Why violin until age 16?

I am a musician myself and after a certain point, you can't push it like that.

[Anonymous]

If you haven't read Madeline Levine's books, The Price of Privilege and Teach Your Children Well: Parenting for Authentic Success, you might want to check them out - especially the second one. You might recognize your daughter (and yourself) in some of her anecdotes.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like me at 14 on my way down into a serious serious eating disorder and anxiety issues that I still deal with. My mom didn't take it seriously until I was 16 and under 100 pounds at 5'8". It wasn't so much thinness I was in pursuit of - it was control, anxiety, too much pressure to be perfect, etc.

Even if she's not headed that way, why take the risk? Tell her you'd like her to talk to someone. Therapy for a year at 16 saved my life (and I wish I had gone longer).

[Anonymous]

Middle school is tough for girls. Women in general worry too much about being liked. I'd try a quaker school for her. They really dress down, and that may help her. or some other granola-lovers school. Also, maybe the focus on spiritual issues, instead of the materialism of our society.

I'd also try camping or some other messy, really active sport. Horses maybe, but western style riding? Roping a cow might bring her down to earth. The outdoors is a real balm for many types of anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Take her back to the psychologist if you are more comfortable with a psychologist over a psychiatrist. She isn't the same child she was in grade 4. The pressures have gotten higher, the bar is set higher, the social pressure is growing, her self-worth is changing.

You need to get on top of this now as these issues will only get worse over the next few years. Perfectionism can lead to all kinds of mental health problems.

She probably can't talk to you about how she feels. There is too much pressure on her. Also she knows you have two special needs kids and she won't want to burden you more so she sucks it up and tries to hide how she feels, all the while dying inside. It is very hard OP to be the good kid, the easy kid, the less needy kid.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Thanks for the comments. I talked to her about this today, and she pointed out that she does eat a lot when she likes the food, which is true. That may be part of denial, but I don't think she has a major food problem -- yet. But getting on top of it has to be more of a priority.

No, she is the "good" kid, the "easy" kid in our family, so that pressure has to bother her. She does not get nearly as much attention as the SN kids, but of course, she doesn't need speech therapy, OT, PT, varioius other therapies, special schools, etc.

She seemed to relax quite a bit when I talked to her about this. She said it was all a lot easier before she came to her new school. Everything was less pressured. So I told her she can quit whatever she isn't interested in, and she said she'd think about it. I don't know if that's handing her too much, but I tried to hold the door open to her. I made an agreement with all our children that they can quit music lessons at age 16. I quit at that age, and I regret it. But I want them to have some musical education, and make an informed decision about quitting.

I actually told her she could quit violin six months ago, and she said she didn't want to do it. Since then, her playing has become much better, but not great, according to her teacher, who yes is a perfectionist.

I really wasn't thinking about how much pressure she's under. She always handled everything really well in the past.

Thanks again for all the thoughtful posts. It has give me a lot to think about, and discuss with DH and DD.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a very thoughtful mother. She may be one of those people who wants to do everything. My DD is like that, but then she started having accidents (slammed car door on hand, stuff like that) and I cut back for her. She was just used to doing well in everything, but the school work gets much harder as they enter HS. She thought 10% more effort would do it, but really, with all her activities, 100% MORE effort would have been required. We dropped some activities. Most all the mothers I have talked with have gone through the same realization at about this age. GL.

[Anonymous]

Op, I think it is great you are dealing with this head-on. Just know that some of the pressure and perfectionism may be coming from inside her as well as what she feels from outside sources. Some personalities are more prone to perfectionism and the outside stresses make that inside stress worse but the inside stress would be there anyways.

I would take this slowly, you don't want to overreact and have her drop out of everything without thinking it through, or giving her more control or decision making power than she can handle as that is stressful too. let her know that decisions will have to made all together (you, her and DH) but she gets say into those decisions). You will have to be flexible and use your best judgment to make sure you are all okay with the decision.

I am glad she was open and willing to talk to you about it. Can you plan a 1:1 time each week - maybe you and husband alternate taking her out for breakfast on Saturdays or for ice cream on Fri evening. Something where time is allocated for her. As you say the reality is that you have to allocate time slots for your other kids for therapies and while therapies aren't fun time, i tis still individualized time that you spent driving to and from and waiting together. She might be at an age where she needs more time with you. Even taking just her to do the grocery shopping or to do an errand she will go on. Just knowing you want to spend time with her might help keep the communication lines open.

An important part is just to validate to her how hard this is for her...the pressures at school, the busy schedule, the expectations, the time needed for her siblings. You don't need to apologize or find a solution but just reinforce to her that her feelings about it all are valid and that you recognize it is hard for her.

[Anonymous]

This was my oldest DD. She went from a 3.9 GPA in ninth grade, to a 2.7 in tenth. Her perfectionism paralyzed her. She developed an eating disorder as a way to cope with anxiety and then she could not concentrate on schoolwork. We encouraged her to switch from performance-based activities (state flute competitions and competitive basketball) to other, less-pressured pursuits like community service, which she loved. She takes a medication now, sees a counselor once a month, and has rebounded in her schoolwork. The eating disorder is in recovery. She is off to college in the fall, with far more effective tools in her toolbox to deal with anxiety than before. I am so glad she was home so we could address this fully and compassionately before she left home.

Emotional and mental health is EVERYTHING. Let the violin and ballet go. They will recede quickly into the rear view mirror, and the child in front of you may blossom.