Middle Schooler obsessed with appearance and quite thin

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks for the comments. I talked to her about this today, and she pointed out that she does eat a lot when she likes the food, which is true. That may be part of denial, but I don't think she has a major food problem -- yet. But getting on top of it has to be more of a priority.

No, she is the "good" kid, the "easy" kid in our family, so that pressure has to bother her. She does not get nearly as much attention as the SN kids, but of course, she doesn't need speech therapy, OT, PT, varioius other therapies, special schools, etc.

She seemed to relax quite a bit when I talked to her about this. She said it was all a lot easier before she came to her new school. Everything was less pressured. So I told her she can quit whatever she isn't interested in, and she said she'd think about it. I don't know if that's handing her too much, but I tried to hold the door open to her. I made an agreement with all our children that they can quit music lessons at age 16. I quit at that age, and I regret it. But I want them to have some musical education, and make an informed decision about quitting.

I actually told her she could quit violin six months ago, and she said she didn't want to do it. Since then, her playing has become much better, but not great, according to her teacher, who yes is a perfectionist.

I really wasn't thinking about how much pressure she's under. She always handled everything really well in the past.

Thanks again for all the thoughtful posts. It has give me a lot to think about, and discuss with DH and DD.

Why are you looking for every reason to avoid seeing a professional? She tells you she eats food that she likes and you assume that means she doesn't have an eating disorder? This when (1) you've been told in the past that she has an eating issue, (2) you've observed yourself that she is limiting her food and is very thin, (3) you are taking her word for it about "food she likes"? Do you know anything about eating disorders? Its like addiction, these girls LIE (or exaggerate) to protect their ability to continue with disordered eating.

Stop discussing this with your DD. You are just probing her for reasons for you to now worry, which will only heighten her anxiety and won't help with her issues. I am beginning to suspect you won't take her to see a professional until it become a real crisis, but that what you should do.

[Anonymous]

The school she is at doesn't sound like a good fit. I'd look at pulling her out of there.

[Anonymous]

I would not start with a psychiatrist - their role is to prescribe medicine. I would start with a psychologist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy.

If everything is fine, it won't hurt and she might learn some useful tools for self image.

If she's not, it will be a great start to some good choices, and the therapist will refer you to a psychiatrist if necessary.

I suggest this as a parent whose child is under the care of a psychiatrist and psychologist.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am a mental health professional. The PP's suggesting you take her to a psychologist are giving you good advice. Find someone who is very experienced in young adolescents and has a good rapport with girls like your daughter. Make sure they have a background in eating disorders -- not saying your DD definitely has an eating disorder, however many of the issues she seems to be struggling with are common to girls with disordered eating (e.g., perfectionism, body image concerns, need for control, dietary restriction). The right therapist can really help. Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

She sounds like an overwhelmed, anxious, and possibly depressed teen. That is not happy go lucky.

Take her to a psychologist. Drop some of the pressure by dropping some of the activities. Spend time with her. Let her focus on her mental health and grades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was my oldest DD. She went from a 3.9 GPA in ninth grade, to a 2.7 in tenth. Her perfectionism paralyzed her. She developed an eating disorder as a way to cope with anxiety and then she could not concentrate on schoolwork. We encouraged her to switch from performance-based activities (state flute competitions and competitive basketball) to other, less-pressured pursuits like community service, which she loved. She takes a medication now, sees a counselor once a month, and has rebounded in her schoolwork. The eating disorder is in recovery. She is off to college in the fall, with far more effective tools in her toolbox to deal with anxiety than before. I am so glad she was home so we could address this fully and compassionately before she left home.

Emotional and mental health is EVERYTHING. Let the violin and ballet go. They will recede quickly into the rear view mirror, and the child in front of you may blossom.

Thanks for posting this. I'm glad your DD is doing well now. I can see that my DD needs to let go of some of her activities, particularly ballet, from which I see no good at all. She's not going to be a professional, and it reinforces all those body image/looks count more than anything/perfectionist messages she's bombarded with by society in general.

It's going to take some time to talk her out of ballet, though, which she really loves. She's been dancing since she was 4, when it was fun.

It occurs to me that because of all the pressure to succeed, none of the activities DD's involved in is truly FUN. Theater, at least, ought to be fun, but her teacher is a total megalomaniac. My daughter was crying the other day because her wig wasn't curling the right way. She was afraid her teacher would yell at her for her imperfect wig! I thought DD was overreacting, but put in context of all the other stresses, I can see it's all too much for her. Thanks for helping me see this more clearly!

I posted initially because I see warnings flags, and I want to head off trouble. I have nothing against taking DD to see a professional, but I need her cooperation. I appreciate all the encouragement to take this seriously, which I do.

[Anonymous]

OP, why don't you let her choose which activities to give up? Part of an eating disorder is a need for some control. Giving her the choice might make her feel more in control. I'm a musician, but I'll be honest, forcing her to continue violin until 16 if she doesn't like it will only make her hate music.

[Anonymous]

OP, she needs to see someone, and soon.

I am wondering if OP is (unintentionally) minimizing her DD's issues (saying a psychiatrist is excessive, etc) because she has two SN kids at home and DD's troubles may be less apparent than theirs. She needs help too.

[Anonymous]

I think there is a relationship between her need for perfection and the fact that you have 2 other SN kids. Seek professional counselling. It is very difficult to be the "normal" kid under this circumstance -- she has to fulfill all of your needs for a great kid. Although my DCs are normal and I would never make let them overextend themselves this way. Why are you taking away the activity she loves the best? Ballet? In favor of violin, where you said she was under the thumb of a perfectionist teacher. Isn't his more about you than her? Very thin at 14 is not a good sign -- most 14 year olds are very hungry and love to eat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was my oldest DD. She went from a 3.9 GPA in ninth grade, to a 2.7 in tenth. Her perfectionism paralyzed her. She developed an eating disorder as a way to cope with anxiety and then she could not concentrate on schoolwork. We encouraged her to switch from performance-based activities (state flute competitions and competitive basketball) to other, less-pressured pursuits like community service, which she loved. She takes a medication now, sees a counselor once a month, and has rebounded in her schoolwork. The eating disorder is in recovery. She is off to college in the fall, with far more effective tools in her toolbox to deal with anxiety than before. I am so glad she was home so we could address this fully and compassionately before she left home.

Emotional and mental health is EVERYTHING. Let the violin and ballet go. They will recede quickly into the rear view mirror, and the child in front of you may blossom.

I want to echo this very wise post. My DD hit a mental health wall (in different ways than these) and it gave me some real perspective on what counts. We get so focused on achievement in our culture that we overlook our children's happiness. Like PP, I am grateful this happened while DD was in high school and cold be addressed. I know of kids who hit a wall in college when their parents aren't around to help and it can be really, really tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there is a relationship between her need for perfection and the fact that you have 2 other SN kids. Seek professional counselling. It is very difficult to be the "normal" kid under this circumstance -- she has to fulfill all of your needs for a great kid. Although my DCs are normal and I would never make let them overextend themselves this way. Why are you taking away the activity she loves the best? Ballet? In favor of violin, where you said she was under the thumb of a perfectionist teacher. Isn't his more about you than her? Very thin at 14 is not a good sign -- most 14 year olds are very hungry and love to eat.

I agree with this but want to gently suggest that you use the word "typical" rather than "normal" to describe your children. My DC with a developmental disability is not "abnormal".