Nieces and nephews

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got very invested in my sister's kids when they were grade school and high school ages. I was thoughtful and generous and when they were little they were very enthusiastic about auntie's visits - but as they got older it became clear that while they were perfectly happy to take material gifts/support from me, or be taken places by me, they had no interest in maintaining anything like a close relationship - and no, there were no thoughtful cards or gifts in return. I didn't really want or need material gifts from them anyway, but it was the total lack of thinking of me that finally made me realize the relationships were always going to be one-way streets and in recent years I have just dropped the rope altogether.

I can't say I see this behavior as normal, except as normal in people who are very self-centered. From the time I was a little kid I was thoughtful and loving to my aunties and grandmas, my parents and siblings - I would frequently spend my babysitting and paper route money on little gifts for them rather than on myself. During college I was incredibly busy and didn't maintain the relationships as much as I should have - but if I'd lived in a time of cell phones and free communication, I absolutely would have, for me the obstacle was the high cost of long distance calls. I should have sent cards or letters much more often and I regret that I didn't.

I think some people are more generous of spirit and others are not. Sounds like your nieces and nephews fall into the latter category, as did mine.

I'm lucky that I now share a house with my childhood best friend and her daughter who is 14 is really quite thoughtful and generous of spirit with me, although in recent years it has diminished but the same is true of her attention to her parents and I have no doubt she will cycle back out of that as she gets a little older. She doesn't visit me on my floor as much as she used to - she's too busy playing games online with friends and spends much more time in her room than she did when she was younger. But for Xmas this year she got me a beautiful little book about mushrooms because she noticed me posting mycology photos on Facebook a lot this past year as I've developed an interest in that field. I was so incredibly touched that she paid attention and thought of me like that, and honestly she has always done so - usually it's little gifts with a focus on dogs because I'm a huge dog person. I'm grateful to have such a sweet kid in my life and I focus on that now and not on the nieces and nephews who never reach out at all. I'm sure if I win the lottery they will be calling me every day so at that point I'll change my number.

Yes, I suppose this is true. And the four kids do range. When I see them in person, one of them is very huggy and sit down and have a conversation and even ask for advice since he's getting a degree in my field. The twin I mentioned in the OP is definitely the least warm; she doesn't talk to my parents either and I do know that it bothers them. Maybe that will change over time.
I do think that as a general rule, simply saying "thank you" to a gift or acknowledging a text with a thumbs up is a bare minimum of politeness. I remember being a teenager and college student, and my parents being disappointed that I didn't talk to my grandparents more. But they did raise me to at least greet and say goodbye to visiting grandparents/aunts and uncles and thank them for gifts. But I guess some people just don't see these things as necessary. The way my parents raised me has stuck with me and, for example, when my MAGA aunt emailed me recently to check in, I wrote her back. I open all of her silly Jacquie Lawson e-cards too. I know that my brother hasn't spoken to our aunt since his wedding. I don't know, it doesn't take much to extend courtesy and even some kindness to someone who you know cares about you (assuming they've never mistreated you or whatever).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think she is rude. It isn’t about you.

Have you thought about forming more friendships or fostering kids in your own life so you aren’t so invested in your brothers’ children’s lives? I think in general what you are doing is ok. It’s just the hurt you feel and that you are over analyzing the behaviors of college age kids that make me think you are too invested.

I have relationships with other kids, ie ones I volunteer with, friends' kids, younger cousins. They all tend to respond to a quick "happy birthday" text, even with an emoji.

Great! So just focus on them and don’t worry about that niece.

[Anonymous]

I think you sound like a great aunt, and reaching out via text (and even Facetime) is fine. I get teens and college kids may not communicate in the same way we do, but a simple response to a text shouldn't be a burden for your nieces and nephews. It's really just a matter of being polite, even if they don't feel particularly close. Since it sounds like three of the four are more responsive, I'm wondering if your niece could be depressed or going through a difficult time. You mentioned she isn't really talking with your parents either. Is that new or unusual behavior?

[Anonymous]

I think you need to accept that you have a normal extended relationship with them and nothing more.

Sending a card, email or text with a Happy Birthday message is fine but don’t call or FaceTime with them. Don’t expect a response to a Happy Birthday message. It’s a one way quick message not a wedding gift requiring a thank you note.

It’s unfortunate that women without kids are encouraged to instead take extra interest in nieces and nephews. This seldom works out. Better encouragement would be to build a close circle of friends, rock your career, enjoy your partner or spouse and get into sports or hobbies.

[Anonymous]

Tbh I don’t think it’s the kids. It’s however their parents have taught them to view you over the years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to accept that you have a normal extended relationship with them and nothing more.

Sending a card, email or text with a Happy Birthday message is fine but don’t call or FaceTime with them. Don’t expect a response to a Happy Birthday message. It’s a one way quick message not a wedding gift requiring a thank you note.

It’s unfortunate that women without kids are encouraged to instead take extra interest in nieces and nephews. This seldom works out. Better encouragement would be to build a close circle of friends, rock your career, enjoy your partner or spouse and get into sports or hobbies.

I don't really see it as extra interest, just normal interest. I do have my own life but they're family and I love them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you sound like a great aunt, and reaching out via text (and even Facetime) is fine. I get teens and college kids may not communicate in the same way we do, but a simple response to a text shouldn't be a burden for your nieces and nephews. It's really just a matter of being polite, even if they don't feel particularly close. Since it sounds like three of the four are more responsive, I'm wondering if your niece could be depressed or going through a difficult time. You mentioned she isn't really talking with your parents either. Is that new or unusual behavior?

It's actually the opposite! The nephew who is warmest is the most depression prone of the four. He's very close to my parents as well.
The niece who is least responsive is the most outgoing, confident and popular of all the kids. Of course, that doesn't mean that she can't have issues I'm unaware of, but the other kids tease her about being a social queen and having all the boys after her, having tons of followers on social media and and not following anyone back, and so on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tbh I don’t think it’s the kids. It’s however their parents have taught them to view you over the years.

Yes, that sadly might be true. My brother married young and built a family. I have not found anyone. I think they disapprove and assume I live a wild lifestyle when it's really not that way at all. I work, I hang out with my dog, I have a few friends.
Unfortunately, several of my single friends have noted that they feel isolated by the rest of their family because they're unmarried. The sad thing is that most of us did want to marry and have kids, but it just didn't happen, and it adds insult to injury to cut us out socially.
Luckily this hasn't effected my relationship with my parents. We're really close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tbh I don’t think it’s the kids. It’s however their parents have taught them to view you over the years.

Not necessarily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve spent lots of time and money visiting and taking my nieces and nephews out to build a relationship.

You can’t have a relationship over a phone.

I go to their city and take them out to dinner or shopping. I take their friends out. I pay for bowling parties at Xmas when I visit. You can’t believe how much college kids like bowling. lol.

The ones I rarely see I am less close to.

All of this.

[Anonymous]

You aren’t wrong to feel hurt. Please keep trying though, especially as they get out of the college bubble. As they mature there’s a real chance they’ll realize how valuable ties with loving relatives can be.

[Anonymous]

I just want to say that you sound like a really good aunt, and it’s so nice that you try to build a connection. Some kids in this generation are distant and hard to talk to! It’s not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tbh I don’t think it’s the kids. It’s however their parents have taught them to view you over the years.

Yes, that sadly might be true. My brother married young and built a family. I have not found anyone. I think they disapprove and assume I live a wild lifestyle when it's really not that way at all. I work, I hang out with my dog, I have a few friends.
Unfortunately, several of my single friends have noted that they feel isolated by the rest of their family because they're unmarried. The sad thing is that most of us did want to marry and have kids, but it just didn't happen, and it adds insult to injury to cut us out socially.
Luckily this hasn't effected my relationship with my parents. We're really close.

I’m sorry, OP. You seem like a truly nice person. It’s wonderful that you love your family. Hopefully at least one or two of the kids will appreciate you as they age. As a twenty something, both my DH and I were close with extended relatives on both sides. This might happen because being a real adult can be tough and you need encouragement and someone to listen.

Also I agree that this is largely due to the parents. I hate the American way of only seeing immediate family as real family.

[Anonymous]

You're not wrong to feel hurt and it IS rude of the kids. I always stopped what I was doing to spend time chatting with my aunts and uncles and older relatives. We were taught to be extra polite with family. The kids in my family (who are HS/college age) are still being raised the same way. It's a shame your brother and his wife didn't raise their kids to have better manners and to value family ties more.

[Anonymous]

This is a phase, OP. They will come around. It sounds like you’ve laid a warm, loving foundation down for your relationship with them but they are at a very self absorbed stage in life, as many of us were at those ages.