Boyfriend travelling and hasn't been in much contact

[Anonymous]

I'm going to try to make a really long story short. Basically my boyfriend is traveling for a work trip. We have been talking about taking the next step in our relationship and moving in together. Then the other night we had a big fight and I slept in his spare bedroom, which is upsetting for him because he really loves to cuddle. The next morning he basically told me he was reconsidering being together because we argue all the time (which is true). He's also under a lot of stress at work, possibly having to go back to school to get a certification, etc, and he gave this as a reason for why maybe we shouldnt be together- that I wouldnt want to wait for him. I reassured him that I did and wanted to be together, even if that meant long distance for a while.
Anyway... cut to today. He's been on a work trip for a few days which was scheduled, but contact has been relatively sparse and I feel like he doesnt text me anywhere near as much as usual. Is this just the death knell for our relationship? I really love him but it almost feels like he's pulling away, even though he told me he was committed to me, wanted to be with me, and assured me that he was in it for the long term.

[Anonymous]

Give him space while he’s away. Let him reach out to you when/if he wants to. Let go of your expectations. He doesn’t owe you his loyalty. You have your own life, yes? Enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

What are you guys wasting your time for? If you're already arguing all the time it's only going to get worse if you marry.

[Anonymous]

Is there a path forward where you don't argue all the time? Have you talked about trying to get there? I'd figure out if that is something you both want to solve and then take your cues from there.

And in the meantime, use the work trip to recharge a bit on your own and give him some space - hopefully it will give you both clarity.

[Anonymous]

I think you both need to do some serious thinking while he’s on this trip. I never understand why people want to partner with people they argue with all the time. A successful relationship shouldn’t be that volatile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you both need to do some serious thinking while he’s on this trip. I never understand why people want to partner with people they argue with all the time. A successful relationship shouldn’t be that volatile.

Op, read this one a few times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you both need to do some serious thinking while he’s on this trip. I never understand why people want to partner with people they argue with all the time. A successful relationship shouldn’t be that volatile.

OP here. I think we argue a lot for a combination of reasons. 1) I think I have attachment issues due to a very "unsafe" feeling childhood with a lot of benign neglect and volatile parents 2) He does a lot of things that make me feel unsafe, like talking to girls he used to hook up with, snapchatting girls, etc. He lets me see his phone whenever so it's not that he's actually cheating with these women but it still drives me up a wall, I lash out, etc. And whenever I retreat from the relationship and want space (like sleeping in a separate bed) it really triggers him in response. In a way we bring out the worst in each other.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a huge age gap?

[Anonymous]

You both sounds very immature and stupid to me so have fun with that. Just make sure you keep a diary of Key Learnings from this dumpster fire for future relationships/your therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you both need to do some serious thinking while he’s on this trip. I never understand why people want to partner with people they argue with all the time. A successful relationship shouldn’t be that volatile.

OP here. I think we argue a lot for a combination of reasons. 1) I think I have attachment issues due to a very "unsafe" feeling childhood with a lot of benign neglect and volatile parents 2) He does a lot of things that make me feel unsafe, like talking to girls he used to hook up with, snapchatting girls, etc. He lets me see his phone whenever so it's not that he's actually cheating with these women but it still drives me up a wall, I lash out, etc. And whenever I retreat from the relationship and want space (like sleeping in a separate bed) it really triggers him in response. In a way we bring out the worst in each other.

I think you have your answer. Sometimes it’s best just to accept that no matter how much you think you care for each other you’re just not compatible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you both need to do some serious thinking while he’s on this trip. I never understand why people want to partner with people they argue with all the time. A successful relationship shouldn’t be that volatile.

OP here. I think we argue a lot for a combination of reasons. 1) I think I have attachment issues due to a very "unsafe" feeling childhood with a lot of benign neglect and volatile parents 2) He does a lot of things that make me feel unsafe, like talking to girls he used to hook up with, snapchatting girls, etc. He lets me see his phone whenever so it's not that he's actually cheating with these women but it still drives me up a wall, I lash out, etc. And whenever I retreat from the relationship and want space (like sleeping in a separate bed) it really triggers him in response. In a way we bring out the worst in each other.

Sounds like you know it's for the best to end it

[Anonymous]

Love is not enough. You have to have a lot of common values and a stable life together to stand the test of time. That will get you though the times you don't even like your spouse.

He isn't the one OP. Have you tried being single and working on your issues while enjoying being on your own?

[Anonymous]

You should get married before moving in together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you both need to do some serious thinking while he’s on this trip. I never understand why people want to partner with people they argue with all the time. A successful relationship shouldn’t be that volatile.

OP here. I think we argue a lot for a combination of reasons. 1) I think I have attachment issues due to a very "unsafe" feeling childhood with a lot of benign neglect and volatile parents 2) He does a lot of things that make me feel unsafe, like talking to girls he used to hook up with, snapchatting girls, etc. He lets me see his phone whenever so it's not that he's actually cheating with these women but it still drives me up a wall, I lash out, etc. And whenever I retreat from the relationship and want space (like sleeping in a separate bed) it really triggers him in response. In a way we bring out the worst in each other.

Then why are you even considering “next steps?” As PP said, love is not enough. Perhaps your BF has come to that realization. You’re not even married nor do you have kids together - this should be the “honeymoon” period but the two of you are fighting constantly. Time to rethink things.

[Anonymous]

Get therapy for your issues and move on, he’s not the one for you.