Boyfriend travelling and hasn't been in much contact

[Anonymous]

I know a very similar situation going on right now, down to the away on a business trip - he has good intentions but can’t be monogamous despite really wanting to. He is interacting w those other women because he needs an ego boost and attention to feed some of his narcissistic tendencies. He does things he knows hurts you but can’t help himself. He’s destroyed every other woman he’s been in a long term relationship with, they leave the relationship still thinking they need his love to function, which he abruptly pulls away. He’s a really intense person and the love you’ve experienced probably feels more intense than past relationships, but it isn’t what a relationship based on love and companionship should be like. Does he also weight shame you to some degree? If so this person is toxic and just move on before you end up mid 30s in a few years and not married having wasted years on this person.

[Anonymous]

Dating, crushing, mating are fun but living together is tough, unless both try their best to make it work. If you two want to make it work, evolving as individuals and ad couple is a must.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you both need to do some serious thinking while he’s on this trip. I never understand why people want to partner with people they argue with all the time. A successful relationship shouldn’t be that volatile.

OP here. I think we argue a lot for a combination of reasons. 1) I think I have attachment issues due to a very "unsafe" feeling childhood with a lot of benign neglect and volatile parents 2) He does a lot of things that make me feel unsafe, like talking to girls he used to hook up with, snapchatting girls, etc. He lets me see his phone whenever so it's not that he's actually cheating with these women but it still drives me up a wall, I lash out, etc. And whenever I retreat from the relationship and want space (like sleeping in a separate bed) it really triggers him in response. In a way we bring out the worst in each other.

Tough love (because I was like you): you need to get out of this relationship and get some therapy. Learn to love and take care of yourself before you commit to any other men. Yes, it takes a lot of work, and yes, it can be lonely at times. But you’re gonna have to do it if you want to end up with a successful relationship instead of this mess that you’re in right now. And yes, it does sound like an absolute mess. Do not stay in a relationship if you “ bring out the worst” in each other and argue all the time.

[Anonymous]

I think the key point is to go see a therapist and work on your attachment issues. You can do this while with him, or broken up with him. But don't commit or take next step until after you work on your attachment issues. IT sounds like he may have issues too - of needing a supply of female attention - to be getting these texts from other women. I would also find that triggering. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

He’s not that into you and probably waiting to break up.

[Anonymous]

You don’t sound ready for a relationship especially if you are thinking about a lifetime commitment to someone with whom you argue a lot and you don’t feel secure about. What is the downside, being happy and safe.

[Anonymous]

He is not the one. Breakup with him and seek therapy before your next relationship.

[Anonymous]

Why would you be in a relationship that makes you feel unsafe and brings out the worst in you? Either figure out a way to work through that or get out. And if he’s already moved on that might be for the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you both need to do some serious thinking while he’s on this trip. I never understand why people want to partner with people they argue with all the time. A successful relationship shouldn’t be that volatile.

OP here. I think we argue a lot for a combination of reasons. 1) I think I have attachment issues due to a very "unsafe" feeling childhood with a lot of benign neglect and volatile parents 2) He does a lot of things that make me feel unsafe, like talking to girls he used to hook up with, snapchatting girls, etc. He lets me see his phone whenever so it's not that he's actually cheating with these women but it still drives me up a wall, I lash out, etc. And whenever I retreat from the relationship and want space (like sleeping in a separate bed) it really triggers him in response. In a way we bring out the worst in each other.

Re no. 2- this is not the way someone treats the person they want to move on with. It’s disrespectful and cruel.

[Anonymous]

Why do you want to be with someone you argue with all the time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you both need to do some serious thinking while he’s on this trip. I never understand why people want to partner with people they argue with all the time. A successful relationship shouldn’t be that volatile.

OP here. I think we argue a lot for a combination of reasons. 1) I think I have attachment issues due to a very "unsafe" feeling childhood with a lot of benign neglect and volatile parents 2) He does a lot of things that make me feel unsafe, like talking to girls he used to hook up with, snapchatting girls, etc. He lets me see his phone whenever so it's not that he's actually cheating with these women but it still drives me up a wall, I lash out, etc. And whenever I retreat from the relationship and want space (like sleeping in a separate bed) it really triggers him in response. In a way we bring out the worst in each other.

This is toxic. You are not compatible. Let him break up with you.

[Anonymous]

Definitely time to move on.

[Anonymous]

The guy is a mess. OP, trust yourself. Don’t waste time. He may not be hooking up with other girls now but he’s definitely trying to. Ditch the loser.

[Anonymous]

Most men just want peace and a certain amount of agreeableness to feel solid about the relationship. The arguing and disagreement is stressful to him. He doesn’t want that to be his life, OP, and neither should you.

The reason why you argue isn’t at issue. Of course you think you have ample reasons. The question is whether that matters.
And I’d say no because he just wants peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most men just want peace and a certain amount of agreeableness to feel solid about the relationship. The arguing and disagreement is stressful to him. He doesn’t want that to be his life, OP, and neither should you.

The reason why you argue isn’t at issue. Of course you think you have ample reasons. The question is whether that matters.
And I’d say no because he just wants peace.

Arguing about him texting exes seems pretty valid to me...