Touched Out: Is Motherhood a Scam?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course it's not a scam. Yes, I made a decision with DH to have kids, but I didn't know that my youngest DD would want physical contact with me from 5:30-7pm every evening and that she shows her love by touching. She literally wanted to hold hands while we/she ate dinner. It wasn't enough for her to sit in my lap. It wasn't enough for her to sit in my lap and hold hands. She also wanted sustained eye contact for that hour and a half. THAT was the time of day she needed to connect with me, and THAT was the way she needed to connect with me. I was miserable. Had no idea that would be a two-year phase of mothering.

Lol my 3 yr old also wants to hold hands during meals. I sit next to her and she insists “sit closer mama!” She likes to reach out and pat me while eating it’s very sweet till I need space.

Haha what a flashback for me! The patting lol. Enjoy. Mine is 20 now.

[Anonymous]

The comments about all the other stressors and responsibilities of life that we've heaped on women in addition to mothering and caregiving made me realize something key about getting "touched out."

I find myself getting touched out primarily when I'm under a lot of other stress-- work, parents, volunteering, stuff with the house. It's not my kids' desire for closeness I struggle with. It's feeling overwhelmed in other areas and not being able to feel present for the snuggles and gentle pats and holding hands.

I've SAHMed and been a working mom and the best thing about being a SAHM to me is being able to feel present with my kids, like "yup, this is where I'm supposed to be." I very rarely felt touched out as a SAHM, and that was when my kids were little and were all over me all the time.

I work because I need to, we couldn't afford for me to SAHM more than a couple years. I do work part-time these days, which helps. But when I think of times when my kids have wanted connection and I've kind of had to force myself to do it, and the issue was never my kids. It was me feeling overwhelmed and pulled in too many directions, unable to relax into that time with them because I knew the minute it was over, I was already behind in something else.

[Anonymous]

Your kid needs you to be there for them. You are their world. What a shame to see so many people whining about their selfish feelings. You are all adults. You can learn to cope for a few years. Your children can’t get love anywhere else. Stop rejecting your own kids. So sad.

[Anonymous]

This!!! Or if you are fortunate to have living parents.



quote=Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an oldish lady but I feel like we are seeing a fourth feminism or something composed mostly of women in their thirties who had small children during COVID. And they are angry!! I am furious that my daughters are now in their twenties and the childcare dilemma is exactly the same one I faced when they were born. Absolutely NO progress on any front in terms of maternity leave, paternity leave, availability and cost of daycare. How is that even possible? And realizing that society’s answer is that I should quit my job and be a grandma who babysits. Enough is enough.

My friends who are women and have the most successful careers have grandmas who babysit. Many have relocated across the country to make it happen. I guess it works as long as we’re willing to sacrifice alternating generations of women to sustain it.

Which means it won't change. And also this system hinges on having grandmothers in good health, who are young enough to help. If you are a working mom and your mom is over the age of 75 (common), you wind up squeezed between caring for your kids AND your parents.

[Anonymous]

Women have been caring for children since the beginning of time. This isn’t some new thing foisted on women.

[Anonymous]

I saw this on Instagram the other day and honestly nothing sums up my life more right now than this quote....." I heard too many noises and now I'm a b****".... For me motherhood feels like one large sensory overload. While I'm thankful and feel very blessed my god what I wouldn't give to not have every single one of my sensory organs over stimulated 99% of the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I saw this on Instagram the other day and honestly nothing sums up my life more right now than this quote....." I heard too many noises and now I'm a b****".... For me motherhood feels like one large sensory overload. While I'm thankful and feel very blessed my god what I wouldn't give to not have every single one of my sensory organs over stimulated 99% of the day.

Your stage of motherhood lasts a very short time. It will end soon and you will be on to the next stage and it will be hard in a new way. "Motherhood" is something that goes on for decades if you are lucky. Don't complain it away when the kids are 2-5.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kid needs you to be there for them. You are their world. What a shame to see so many people whining about their selfish feelings. You are all adults. You can learn to cope for a few years. Youru children can’t get love anywhere else. Stop rejecting your own kids. So sad.

Ah. Another parent of easy children, who I’m sure will claim their kids weren’t easy. Did your children wake up 20+ times a night for 2 years? Were they so afraid of strangers no one would or could look after them? Did they cry until they vomited whenever you tried to cook dinner and couldn’t hold them? No. You just do not get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kid needs you to be there for them. You are their world. What a shame to see so many people whining about their selfish feelings. You are all adults. You can learn to cope for a few years. Youru children can’t get love anywhere else. Stop rejecting your own kids. So sad.

Ah. Another parent of easy children, who I’m sure will claim their kids weren’t easy. Did your children wake up 20+ times a night for 2 years? Were they so afraid of strangers no one would or could look after them? Did they cry until they vomited whenever you tried to cook dinner and couldn’t hold them? No. You just do not get it.

You sound demented. Please get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kid needs you to be there for them. You are their world. What a shame to see so many people whining about their selfish feelings. You are all adults. You can learn to cope for a few years. Your children can’t get love anywhere else. Stop rejecting your own kids. So sad.

LOL. You sound like the church lady. And that is bs that “your child can’t get love anywhere else”. In many cultures with strong extended families there are lots of people providing that love and support. And unless everyone is a single mom presumably their fathers can also provide them with love. Just cannot with the platitudes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kid needs you to be there for them. You are their world. What a shame to see so many people whining about their selfish feelings. You are all adults. You can learn to cope for a few years. Youru children can’t get love anywhere else. Stop rejecting your own kids. So sad.

Ah. Another parent of easy children, who I’m sure will claim their kids weren’t easy. Did your children wake up 20+ times a night for 2 years? Were they so afraid of strangers no one would or could look after them? Did they cry until they vomited whenever you tried to cook dinner and couldn’t hold them? No. You just do not get it.

You sound demented. Please get help.

NP. Someone describing their experience is "demended"? Poor choice of words and shame on you for trying to put someone else down. Your original take was toxic, anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Motherhood is a scam—100%. WEIRD nations have turned it in one of the many flavors of consumer culture.

Human beings did not evolve in nuclear families where parents are expected to entertain their kids all day or enroll them in expensive activities. This is a creation of neoliberal ideology.

Paris Paloma’s song Labour sums it up:

All day, every day
Therapist, mother, maid…..

I take a lot of walks. And I love my kids. But they need to learn to entertain themselves. I am not their personal assistant.

Can’t wait to read! I’m #3 on the holds list. And now I’m going to get off the internet (stewing is also not helpful) and go read a book!

Here’s an unpopular take from a millennial:
Liberal feminism is the scam.
We were sold a load of bs about how important it is to have a career and put “self first” (which again always means career) so that now we have no choice but to be a cog in the wheel. And we don’t have time to actual enjoy the mothering that comes with being a mother. So society gets us to blame the stress of motherhood instead of our pointless pursuit of a career that no one will remember us for ten minutes after we’ve left this earth.

This this this!

I love being a mom and I'm actually so surprised how much I love having a baby. If I had infinite resources, I would have four of them. But I'm 35 with a "big job" that's actually kind of pointless and trying to figure out whether to have more and what it would mean for our lifestyle.

Pre-child me would have thought this was incredible petty, but our lives would be so much easier if I didn't work or worked part time. Simply put, there's a lot of household/family labor that makes things run smoothly that my husband either cannot or will not do. The mental labor of thinking about everyone else (plus the dog, the house, the cars) prevents me from performing at work like I could pre-child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Motherhood is a scam—100%. WEIRD nations have turned it in one of the many flavors of consumer culture.

Human beings did not evolve in nuclear families where parents are expected to entertain their kids all day or enroll them in expensive activities. This is a creation of neoliberal ideology.

Paris Paloma’s song Labour sums it up:

All day, every day
Therapist, mother, maid…..

I take a lot of walks. And I love my kids. But they need to learn to entertain themselves. I am not their personal assistant.

Can’t wait to read! I’m #3 on the holds list. And now I’m going to get off the internet (stewing is also not helpful) and go read a book!

Here’s an unpopular take from a millennial:
Liberal feminism is the scam.
We were sold a load of bs about how important it is to have a career and put “self first” (which again always means career) so that now we have no choice but to be a cog in the wheel. And we don’t have time to actual enjoy the mothering that comes with being a mother. So society gets us to blame the stress of motherhood instead of our pointless pursuit of a career that no one will remember us for ten minutes after we’ve left this earth.

This this this!

I love being a mom and I'm actually so surprised how much I love having a baby. If I had infinite resources, I would have four of them. But I'm 35 with a "big job" that's actually kind of pointless and trying to figure out whether to have more and what it would mean for our lifestyle.

Pre-child me would have thought this was incredible petty, but our lives would be so much easier if I didn't work or worked part time. Simply put, there's a lot of household/family labor that makes things run smoothly that my husband either cannot or will not do. The mental labor of thinking about everyone else (plus the dog, the house, the cars) prevents me from performing at work like I could pre-child.

Yes! This. I didn’t want to say it bc ppl may take it as anti- feminism, but it’s the damn truth. Maybe those that find work really rewarding feel differently though…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kid needs you to be there for them. You are their world. What a shame to see so many people whining about their selfish feelings. You are all adults. You can learn to cope for a few years. Your children can’t get love anywhere else. Stop rejecting your own kids. So sad.

LOL. You sound like the church lady. And that is bs that “your child can’t get love anywhere else”. In many cultures with strong extended families there are lots of people providing that love and support. And unless everyone is a single mom presumably their fathers can also provide them with love. Just cannot with the platitudes.

I was abandoned by my own mother so what do you even know about what that’s like? Being neglected by a father or mother is not made up for by other people. What did you just make that up in your own kind to feel better? Ask some children that were neglected if their grandparents or foster parents somehow made up for lack of parental care?

[Anonymous]

Parenthood in a lot of parts in THIS country has changed. THIS country praises child-centered parenting and treating them like they are either decoration or a start-up company (Tiger Mom). In REAL countries around the world, kids work at a young age, help on farms, work in mines of all types, sweatshops, and parents view them as extra income and hands to take care of a multitude of children. So, this is really a first-world problem.