Feeling like I’m being punished for being the more successful kid

[Anonymous]

I work a soulless corpo job that pays a lot of money and am very frugal and a diligent saver. I have siblings who are very irresponsible with money and also deliberately chose low paying professions that they found more “fun” (they quit their prev careers because they didn’t find it enjoyable enough and they now make minimum wage). My parents have always given me zero financial help, which I don’t necessarily need, while my siblings are showered with thousands of dollars a year in support. I graduated with student loans and had no help with my house down payment. I don’t really like working but I do it because it’s the responsible “adult” thing to do but I can’t help notice my siblings who are working in fun careers always getting bailed out by my parents whenever a $1000 emergency pops up that they can’t cover. The latest thing that happened is we are having a destination family reunion for Christmas and I will need to foot the travel bill myself, thousands of dollars for my wife and I, while my siblings will be covered by my parents. We are all around the same age. I visit my parents regularly and have a good relationship with them, it’s not like I’m absent from their lives or estranged. We’ve always been on good terms. I know this sounds extremely entitled so that’s why I’m venting here and not to my parents. I will never ever bring this up to them because it won’t do any good. Anyone been in a similar situation?

[Anonymous]

I’m sure a lot of us are. I came to terms with the understanding that my mom was doing the best she could even though things seemed unfair. Like paying for everyone else’s education but mine because I ran myself ragged by working a full time plus a part time job while in college so I didn’t need it.

But fair is so subjective and it’s meaning is in the eye of the person doling out benefits. Many of us, me included, thinks that giving your kids what they need is what’s fair. So after one of mine got a full scholarship to trade school I didn’t hand him a check for the amount I had paid for other kids to go to school. Another of my kids required residential treatment costing about the same as two years in college. I didn’t turn around and hand my other kids a big check. I figured they should just feel lucky that they didn’t need mental health care. And I never tried to equalize Christmas presents by either amount spent or number of presents - it will equal out by the time I die. It is a little harder when parents pay for trips for only some kids. But it’s not worth being upset because they really are trying to do what’s right.

[Anonymous]

I would be frustrated by that too.

But ultimately I would feel so crappy relying on my aging parents to bail me out of things. Be proud of what you do and that you're independent.

[Anonymous]

Be happy that you're not further burdening your parents. Remember, your not competing against your siblings in a zero-sum game. You are trying to maximize happiness for everyone that you love dearly(presumably your parents and siblings)

[Anonymous]

My very hard-working middle class father gave money to my mother's neer-do-well sister and nephew. He never complained in my hearing. Their plight was quite severe, with disabilities in the mix, so he probably felt there was only one ethical option. But when my mother's mother squandered all her considerable fortune and then sued her kids for money... that's when he was like, yeah, no.

So I understand your frustration, but consider that your siblings are not asking YOU for money! Small mercies...

[Anonymous]

I feel this. I will say it’s evened out as we get older. I’m the responsible one, so I had the only grandchildren and I had 3. So my parents spend more time with us and also give my kids gifts. Since siblings don’t have kids, my parents aren’t giving their kids gifts.

I would just live your best life. I mean you don’t want to be earning minimum wage. I also bet your parents are annoying at bailing them out. I seriously wonder how my siblings don’t have money for car repairs… they don’t have houses or kids (both of which are money pits for me) and they don’t even vacation.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are in a similar situation (his family). I wouldn’t paint his siblings and their spouses as irresponsible, just having pretty low-paying jobs/careers. They’ve had help with childcare, vacation costs, down payments/mortgage payments. My DH just found himself making a lot more money than anyone else so we’re expected to do a lot of the financial heavy lifting, as it were.

Ultimately it’s better to be in the higher HHI household than be waiting around for financial help. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

OP, that is terrible and not fair and I’m sorry it is happening to you. Please be sure that the sacrifices you’re making now will put you in good standing as you get older and your parents die. Your siblings are going to be in big trouble when there’s no one to bail them out.

[Anonymous]

1) If you have such a good relationship with your parents, you can mention feeling slighted due to the fact that they paid for everyone's travel but yours.

2) Your bitterness over work is your own issue, not your siblings. You need to work through it, maybe with a therapist. Perhaps change careers.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been there! Many years ago I had to go to a college I had never visited but I got a full scholarship to while my brother and sister who didn’t get scholarships went to the college of their choice. Part of my scholarship required I work on campus 15 hours a week something my siblings didn’t have to do. After many years it still annoys me but I’ve been far more successful, had a much happier life and really can’t complain.

It would annoy me if after college my parents funded my siblings lifestyles the way OPs does. The constant preferential treatment would get tiring quickly.

[Anonymous]

OP, would you rather be you or your siblings?

[Anonymous]

Well yes, except my parents have always been very diligent about giving us all the same. I'm always telling my mom that she doesn't have to pay for my travel and can just pay for my sister (who has the low-paying, "passion" career) and that I really, really don't mind, but I think she just generally feels like it's unfair so she pays for all three of us adult children.

So yeah, your parents could take a different tack. You might even volunteer to pay for yourself like I do because you can afford it; it's much easier to be generous when it's not expected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) If you have such a good relationship with your parents, you can mention feeling slighted due to the fact that they paid for everyone's travel but yours.

2) Your bitterness over work is your own issue, not your siblings. You need to work through it, maybe with a therapist. Perhaps change careers.

This. The one off things, ignore. It's better to be an adult and not be beholden to your parents to pay for your new tires or whatever else. You do have a point with the family trip that they are having you pay for, but not your siblings. It'd be a wonderful gift if they could treat you all.

My DH's sister has needed her parents to bail her out of many financial messes. They used to pay for her to join family vacations too. While it would sometime irk me, because I'd see her buying new clothes or a new car, I choose early on to just let it go. It's her parent's money to spend how they want. I would have never wanted to trade places with her, because of course they feel they get a strong say in how she lives her life and I would hate that.

[Anonymous]

I would personally just opt out of the family trip and spend the money to go with my spouse to a destination of our choosing rather than paying to go on a $ trip that someone else picked and where my siblings were being subsidized but I was expected to pay my own way.

[Anonymous]

Yes, same. But I sleep well at night - I know I never have to rely on charity from my parents or others. If I want to take vacation, it is 100% my choice - I don’t need to ask my parents if they can foot the bill. I’m also prepared with savings if I have an emergency come up.
Sometimes I am annoyed at sibs bc they made unwise choices but still get nice things or trips in life, courtesy of my parents. But most of the time, I recognize that I made the choices I made bc I like being independent & being able to sleep at night knowing I’m not relying on my parents.