How do I decide whether to try for a baby at 42/43?

[Anonymous]

I had a child just before 40, which was what I then considered the oldest age I would be comfortable with. But now I’m rethinking. How to you wrap your mind around all the variables? On the one side is everything practical— chromosomal risks and other health risks for baby and medical risks for me (I have c section scarring but am cleared to deliver again), then financial stuff and logistics like getting a bigger car and on and on…

But on the other side is this feeling that I should seize this precious chance, if it is even still possible.

How do people know when to move forward or move on or otherwise find peace?

[Anonymous]

So. I had one and decided to try for one more at your age. I had twins. (Yes IVF, but we only transferred a single embryos. It split.) I love my children. I am also so, so, so tired. I always feel like I’m shortchanging someone. If I had known what I know now— it would have been better for my family if I had stuck with my only.

This is only my experience. Others in my position are probably rocking it.

[Anonymous]

My mother had me at 43 in the early 80s; she still says I kept her young.

I read something recently if it helps you decide - you will never regret the kids you have, but you will always regret the kids you don't have. Follow your gut, but something tells me if you are posting here then your gut says you want another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother had me at 43 in the early 80s; she still says I kept her young.

I read something recently if it helps you decide - you will never regret the kids you have, but you will always regret the kids you don't have. Follow your gut, but something tells me if you are posting here then your gut says you want another.

This is definitely not true. There are absolutely women who regret the kids they had (there is just literally no place they can express that feeling without being indicted as a terrible human being), and lots of us don't regret the kids we didn't have. Do you really think every mother wishes she'd had more kids? That's bananas.

I chose to stop at one kid for financial and mental health reasons and while I do sometimes get "baby fever" and feel a bit sad I'll never have another baby, I have zero regrets about my choice, which was definitely the right one for me and my family. Sure, if I'd had another we would have made it work. But I also think part of me would always have been a little mad at myself for having more kids because of what it would have cost us (not just financially -- I had bad PPD with my first experience and going through that again with two kids sounds like a bad experience for everyone).

Glad your mom was happy with her decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother had me at 43 in the early 80s; she still says I kept her young.

I read something recently if it helps you decide - you will never regret the kids you have, but you will always regret the kids you don't have. Follow your gut, but something tells me if you are posting here then your gut says you want another.

On the other side of the coin, you might be wistful about the kids you do not have but you know what that life looks like. You can't give back the ones you have and love (special needs, financial complications, stress, and all).

[Anonymous]

I got unexpectedly pregnant with my third at 45 (after ivf at 35). I’m tired. I feel bad for my young kids. And I’m really worried that I will be 90 when my kid is my age. But I’ve also learned to let go more, and just be in the moment. It’s allowed me to stop being so busy. Also I push my kids harder towards independence which has been good for all of us. We’ll see how it goes but I’m grateful for that gift so far at least.

[Anonymous]

Well, antoher way of looking at this - and I don't recommend it - is what are the level of interventions you are considering? If "none," which I suspect from your post, the decision may already be made for you.
In other words, it may not be a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, antoher way of looking at this - and I don't recommend it - is what are the level of interventions you are considering? If "none," which I suspect from your post, the decision may already be made for you.
In other words, it may not be a choice.

That’s right…no interventions. I figured we could try for 3-6 months and call it quits. And yet I know quitting would be hard!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, antoher way of looking at this - and I don't recommend it - is what are the level of interventions you are considering? If "none," which I suspect from your post, the decision may already be made for you.
In other words, it may not be a choice.

That’s right…no interventions. I figured we could try for 3-6 months and call it quits. And yet I know quitting would be hard!

I don't think it would be as hard as you think, if you are already committed to no interventions. I think right now there's this unknown out there -- what if I could still get pregnant with a healthy pregnancy? Am I missing out on that? But if you try for 6 months and don't get pregnant, I think that might be the closure you need. You'll have tried and it didn't happen, and you have a healthy kid you love and can commit to that. No more unknowns.

Also, sounds like you have a child who is 2-4 years old. Another piece of this is that you are thinking about it at a snapshot in time, and your kid is going to change a ton in the next year. I had a baby in my late 30s as well, and part of me wanted to have another one until my child hit about 3.5/4. It was a very intense parenting time in our family and even with just one kid, it was hard. I was exhausted. I had no desire to be pregnant or to have another kid while we were going through that. And when it finally ended and things got smoother as my kid matured, I realized how much I appreciated having a small family, and also how thrilled I was to be entering a new stage with an elementary school-age kid who was more independent, and to have a different dynamic in our house. And the idea of going back and doing baby/toddler/preschooler again didn't sound so appealing. So now I can honestly say that I have no regrets and am very happy with my only, even though at one point I felt like you did, like "this is my last chance, should I go for it?" I didn't and I'm glad I didn't and it worked out.

It will work out for you to. If you feel you need to give it one more try, do it. But whatever happens, I do think you will reach peace on the issue. Again, you have one kid you love already. Maybe you wind up with two and that's perfect, and maybe you wind up with one and that's perfect. Life has a way of sorting itself out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother had me at 43 in the early 80s; she still says I kept her young.

I read something recently if it helps you decide - you will never regret the kids you have, but you will always regret the kids you don't have. Follow your gut, but something tells me if you are posting here then your gut says you want another.

What a stupid thing to say.

[Anonymous]

My mother told me from the time I was very young she regretted having more than one child. So, she regretted me and my younger brother. She made no bones about it.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have a good plan. Try for a few months, and see which way the wind takes you. You can have a happy family with 1 kid, or a happy family with 2--there's no right or wrong answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother had me at 43 in the early 80s; she still says I kept her young.

I read something recently if it helps you decide - you will never regret the kids you have, but you will always regret the kids you don't have. Follow your gut, but something tells me if you are posting here then your gut says you want another.

On the other side of the coin, you might be wistful about the kids you do not have but you know what that life looks like. You can't give back the ones you have and love (special needs, financial complications, stress, and all).

As someone with a special needs kid who desperately wanted said child after secondary infertility, I was definitely wistful, and I don't regret either of my children despite being exhausted, and my wishes things were easier in so, so many ways. I occasionally ponder if I'd do it again on rough days, my honest answer is always yes so far, but I understand others might not feel the same way.

[Anonymous]

How old is your husband? You know his age is also relevant.

[Anonymous]

can you get help? family? nanny?...etc

you would need that help for a good 4 years.. it gets easier after.