How do I decide whether to try for a baby at 42/43?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you really want to try for another one. I say go ahead and decide your limits - like DH gets a vasectomy in 6 months and makes an appointment, and then go for it.

[Anonymous]

You feel young at 43 but you aren’t. The baby years are tough but the teen and college years are much worse. You are paying for college and retirement at the same time. So so tired. And broke. We are in the top 3% and it was still a strain. I would say don’t do it. Baby fever passes. Child responsibility’s do not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You feel young at 43 but you aren’t. The baby years are tough but the teen and college years are much worse. You are paying for college and retirement at the same time. So so tired. And broke. We are in the top 3% and it was still a strain. I would say don’t do it. Baby fever passes. Child responsibility’s do not.

responsibilities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You feel young at 43 but you aren’t. The baby years are tough but the teen and college years are much worse. You are paying for college and retirement at the same time. So so tired. And broke. We are in the top 3% and it was still a strain. I would say don’t do it. Baby fever passes. Child responsibility’s do not.

If you’re in the top 3% why are you broke? Something isn’t adding up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:can you get help? family? nanny?...etc

you would need that help for a good 4 years.. it gets easier after.

Until the teen years. Depending on the child, parenting a teen at age 55-62 could make parenting a baby/toddler at age 42-47 look like a walk in the park.

[Anonymous]

After 12 years of trying I finally had my kids at 40 and 44. Everyone said I "came alive" when they came along. I did. I became far more energetic as I was just so thankful to have them and to finally be a mom. I am now 58 and my kids have really pumped up my athletic participation. My 18 year old and i are training together for triathlons. She is my best coach

My colleague who had her first and only at 47 (after trying for 22 years) was the same way. She is glowing now at 60 and is the most-involved mom I know.

Maybe gratefulness is a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother had me at 43 in the early 80s; she still says I kept her young.

I read something recently if it helps you decide - you will never regret the kids you have, but you will always regret the kids you don't have. Follow your gut, but something tells me if you are posting here then your gut says you want another.

Off topic a little but this trope is like the “people sometimes regret sending their summer birthday kid to K on time, but no one ever regrets holding them back!” Like, of course they do. Lots do. But what are they going to say- “yeah I shouldn’t have held him back a grade”? No, they just won’t admit it out loud.

Plenty of people regret having more kids. Believe me. Plenty.

[Anonymous]

I had my first at 39 and my second at 42 with no interventions. I was nervous the whole second pregnancy that there would be complications of some kind. I am very lucky and very grateful to have had healthy pregnancy, healthy children, and no identified special needs as of yet (they’re still young). I was nervous about that before getting pregnant too. One thing that helped was DH and I talked a lot about options and agreed that we would terminate if any of the early testing showed high risk of abnormalities. I also met with the doctor to better understand the age associated risks. For some things, a higher risk is still pretty low risk. That helped. But those things really just made me feel better about our choice - they didn’t help me decide. We both really really wanted another child, and we wanted our oldest to have a sibling. So we went for it, and like I said, we were really lucky.

I’m not too worried about parenting teens because of my age - lots of other reasons, sure - but not my age. Nor am I worried about how old I’ll be when they’re middle aged, if I live that long. There are no guarantees about any of that, even if I’d had kids in my 20s. I just love them hard and do my best to take care of myself so I’m doing my part to live a long life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother had me at 43 in the early 80s; she still says I kept her young.

I read something recently if it helps you decide - you will never regret the kids you have, but you will always regret the kids you don't have. Follow your gut, but something tells me if you are posting here then your gut says you want another.

WTF? Absolutely untrue.

[Anonymous]

My mother, who had the 3 of us in her late 20s, told me during one of those "you're an adult now" conversations that she had terminated a pregnancy when she was nearly 40. She and my dad did not want another child; their family was perfect as it was, and mom was not going to start with diapers all over again.

So, no, you do not regret the kids you did not have, even in a happily married middle class family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother, who had the 3 of us in her late 20s, told me during one of those "you're an adult now" conversations that she had terminated a pregnancy when she was nearly 40. She and my dad did not want another child; their family was perfect as it was, and mom was not going to start with diapers all over again.

So, no, you do not regret the kids you did not have, even in a happily married middle class family.

+1.

People should be much more conservative (not politically, but in the literal sense of the word) when planning family size, IMO. Generally, adding another child has much more downside risk than upside, and people think with their hearts, not their heads, when listing the upsides.

[Anonymous]

I’d skip it and just really focus on and enjoy the life you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother had me at 43 in the early 80s; she still says I kept her young.

I read something recently if it helps you decide - you will never regret the kids you have, but you will always regret the kids you don't have. Follow your gut, but something tells me if you are posting here then your gut says you want another.

Off topic a little but this trope is like the “people sometimes regret sending their summer birthday kid to K on time, but no one ever regrets holding them back!” Like, of course they do. Lots do. But what are they going to say- “yeah I shouldn’t have held him back a grade”? No, they just won’t admit it out loud.

Plenty of people regret having more kids. Believe me. Plenty.

+1

[Anonymous]

I had my children at 22 and 25. They are both grown, successful, and married with children. It was the happiest time of my life. I would never have a baby in my 40’s if I was already a mom.

[Anonymous]

Complications and issues are always possible in pregnancy. Everyone takes that risk whether they are 25 or 45 so if you have zero tolerance for that risk then you should not have kids at any age. otherwise, let go of that concern.

So it comes down to - are you decently healthy and do you have good energy levels? If so, go for it now and don’t wait longer.