Evil Stepmom

[Anonymous]

I am a stepmom to a teenage (mid teen). I met her when she was 1 year old and in diapers. We had great relationship when she was younger. When she was 1 - 5 my now husband (her dad) had her every weekend but worked every other. The bio mom worked every weekend which meant that I was babysitting her every other weekend while both her parents worked. And this happened very early in my and then boyfriend’s relationship. My step daughter and I had a great time. I took her to the park, zoo, beach, library. We had good times. She was so fond of me. It seemed her bio mom was appreciative. My husband and I had two other kids who are 5 and 7 years younger. Nothing changed as far as how I treated her after her half sibling were born. I still took her and her siblings to the park, beach, zoo… i planed her birthday parties every other year for her. I am the one who bought her toys, arranged play dates. I honestly have been more involved in her life than her dad. Things started to change when she was about 10. She started just being cold towards me. When I gave her a toy for her birthday or for whatever occasion, she acted like she didn’t care for it. when I offered to take her places she would go but act like she would rather not be there. When her dad offered the same things, she is excited to do them. Thinks just progressively got colder and colder. 4 years ago, I was about to give her hug (this was not out of the ordinary), she had a cringe look on her face and told me she did not want a hug. I have never hugged her since. I am still to this day very hurt. She has never told me why. I tried to talk to her about it. She basically just shrugged her shoulders and her never altered any words on why she is resentful. I talked to my husband asked if he could talk to her and just see if there is anything I did but he does not think there is anything wrong. His response: “most kids hate their step parents, it normal, you did nothing wrong” I recently tried to reconnect with her by spending some alone time with just me and her. She recently got into cooking, so me being the idiot I am signed us up for cooking while her siblings where doing other activities and her dad was working. Needless to say, her actions were those of someone who did not want to be there, even thought she is really into cooking. At this point I have given up. I must say that she is not disrespectful, but just cold. After the many years, the many diaper changes, all the time I have given, I can’t help but feel like chopped liver.

[Anonymous]

Her mom probably got jealous and she picked up on it. Just stop trying and when she visits let Dad handle things.

[Anonymous]

It’s the age OP. My teen daughter often treats me with the same contempt. Once in awhile she opens up a little, but then she slams the emotional door shut. She is nicer to her dad (still married). I just keep on parenting and loving her, even when she’s distant and emotional. She will come around eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her mom probably got jealous and she picked up on it. Just stop trying and when she visits let Dad handle things.

Agreed, or her mom maybe even made some comments that she is reacting too.

Just ignore it and stop groveling for her approval. Be nice, be pleasant, tell her you love her, but stop being clingy and hounding her to do activities. She'll get the message.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her mom probably got jealous and she picked up on it. Just stop trying and when she visits let Dad handle things.

Agreed, or her mom maybe even made some comments that she is reacting too.

Just ignore it and stop groveling for her approval. Be nice, be pleasant, tell her you love her, but stop being clingy and hounding her to do activities. She'll get the message.

OP - I wouldn’t call doing one activity with her in 4 years clingy or hounding. Would you call a step dad clingy if he arranged spend time with his step daughter or son doing an activity they really enjoy? Obviously I have my own full active life. I work full time, I am involved in kid’s activity. I am involved in the community. I am definitely not clingy. Under appreciated yes but not clingy

[Anonymous]

Kids need people who don't "give up" on them even when they are difficult and distant. Be that rock steady, loving presence. Give selflessly. She's a child. You're an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids need people who don't "give up" on them even when they are difficult and distant. Be that rock steady, loving presence. Give selflessly. She's a child. You're an adult.

Thank you. Hoping I don’t get to a point where I can’t give anymore. I am pretty close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids need people who don't "give up" on them even when they are difficult and distant. Be that rock steady, loving presence. Give selflessly. She's a child. You're an adult.

+1

[Anonymous]

Also regarding the cooking sessions, some people love cooking because it is a solo activity where they are in charge. I love to cook but would not love cooking lessons with a family member in a group setting. Maybe you are taking this too personally and that intensifies the problem. I agree with others that it's the age. You cannot be resentful that you changed their diapers way back when!!!

But yes, there are ways to rebuild a relationship. I am working on this now with a ten-year-old grandson. He doesn't care much to hug me any more, okay. But I spend bits of time here and there just doing simple things like watching him play his favorite video game while he explains it to me when I ask questions, or I sit next to him while the family watches a movie and we can glance at each other and laugh at the funny parts. Especially I find moments to praise him for kindnesses to younger siblings, being responsible for home activities like independently cooking a great side dish, etc. And he is warmer to me now but I am still far from his favorite adult! That's okay.

[Anonymous]

You are smoking crack if you think she should be "grateful" to you, or want to be in a relationship with you just because you changed her diapers over a decade ago. She didn't ask you to do that! Children don't owe their caretakers anything for taking care of them when they're babies.

She's 15. She's moody and you're taking it personally. YOU sound like a petty teenager quite frankly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are smoking crack if you think she should be "grateful" to you, or want to be in a relationship with you just because you changed her diapers over a decade ago. She didn't ask you to do that! Children don't owe their caretakers anything for taking care of them when they're babies.

She's 15. She's moody and you're taking it personally. YOU sound like a petty teenager quite frankly.

I never said she she owe me for changing her diapers. I mentioned mentioned it because I have know her since she was in diapers. You probably missed the part time where I said I always had a great relationship with her. If feeling hurt because you have given so much and all you get is resentment then maybe I have some growing up to do but I get the sense why stepmoms are labeled the evil step mom. A person says they are hurt by something and the response in grow up, you are acting like a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are smoking crack if you think she should be "grateful" to you, or want to be in a relationship with you just because you changed her diapers over a decade ago. She didn't ask you to do that! Children don't owe their caretakers anything for taking care of them when they're babies.

She's 15. She's moody and you're taking it personally. YOU sound like a petty teenager quite frankly.

Agreed. OP needs to remember that she is stepmom and DD has a mom who presumably has also been in her life since birth.

With the passive aggressive dramatic “evil stepmother” thread title and nonstop follow ups to every comment, I can see why DD may want to keep some distance between them.

I would advise OP to seek counseling to help her better manage her feelings. As someone with step parents, OPs feelings of entitlement to a certain type of relationship with DD is misguided and selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are smoking crack if you think she should be "grateful" to you, or want to be in a relationship with you just because you changed her diapers over a decade ago. She didn't ask you to do that! Children don't owe their caretakers anything for taking care of them when they're babies.

She's 15. She's moody and you're taking it personally. YOU sound like a petty teenager quite frankly.

I never said she she owe me for changing her diapers. I mentioned mentioned it because I have know her since she was in diapers. You probably missed the part time where I said I always had a great relationship with her. If feeling hurt because you have given so much and all you get is resentment then maybe I have some growing up to do but I get the sense why stepmoms are labeled the evil step mom. A person says they are hurt by something and the response in grow up, you are acting like a child.

I think you do. Np

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are smoking crack if you think she should be "grateful" to you, or want to be in a relationship with you just because you changed her diapers over a decade ago. She didn't ask you to do that! Children don't owe their caretakers anything for taking care of them when they're babies.

She's 15. She's moody and you're taking it personally. YOU sound like a petty teenager quite frankly.

Also wanted to ask if I was the biological mom who wrote a post about my teen daughter been called and resentful would you have had the same reaction and said you’re acting like a teenager. Obviously you took the diapers part the wrong way. I was expressing that I have know her her whole life. I changed her diaper, took her to the park, play dates. I was trying to demonstrate that we had a strong bond. I was trying to show that I didn’t just meet her as teen. Yes teenagers are moody but there is a different between being moody and cold and resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are smoking crack if you think she should be "grateful" to you, or want to be in a relationship with you just because you changed her diapers over a decade ago. She didn't ask you to do that! Children don't owe their caretakers anything for taking care of them when they're babies.

She's 15. She's moody and you're taking it personally. YOU sound like a petty teenager quite frankly.

I never said she she owe me for changing her diapers. I mentioned mentioned it because I have know her since she was in diapers. You probably missed the part time where I said I always had a great relationship with her. If feeling hurt because you have given so much and all you get is resentment then maybe I have some growing up to do but I get the sense why stepmoms are labeled the evil step mom. A person says they are hurt by something and the response in grow up, you are acting like a child.

I think you do. Np

Thank you sharing your opinion. Have a good day