I would rather pay for an apartment for my dc

[Anonymous]

Than have them live at home during college or after.

Yes, I am a traditional white American. It is beyond my range of experience and observation for young adults to live with their parents for an extended time after they are 18. I would have never dreamed of it. My sisters never did. My parents would never have gone for it barring serious illness. And I don't really remember any of my friends doing it either. Summers were the longest times spent at 'home' after high school graduation.

Anyone else think like this?

[Anonymous]

Are you being hypothetical?

And aren’t you entitled to be able to waste that money and time with your kid.

[Anonymous]

Yes.

[Anonymous]

I would rather have my kid live at home during college than after.

[Anonymous]

It was expected that we launch at 18 (my sibling brood that graduated 88-93). We did, and I am glad for it; I, the youngest, craved freedom and independence. I had wild times and no safety net, and I was acutely aware of that. I had times I felt no one could save me, no one could understand. I went through painful depression, alcohol and drug misuse.

I also had wonderful, memorable times, made lots of friends, persevered and became a successful person, despite my mother's real, articulated fear and belief that I would be a freak or a failure.

Worrying about my kid living with me is not one of my worries. One kid is well on his way to success, and will live in our city with us this summer for an internship. The other is much younger. I cannot imagine ever not opening my home to them. Or even, their eventual families, if it came to that.

Even if the worst happened, these are my boys, I am their parent, I am one they can depend on. What is love, if it's not that?*

I read a thing once that said "Extreme indepedence is a trauma reaction" and that fit for me. I could never ask for help. I want the boys to be independent, but to believe that they'll get help if they need it and ask for it.

*Caveats for drawing boundaries for kids who are spoiled, take advantage, are rude, etc.

[Anonymous]

most kids have their parent house as home base during college even if they have an apartment.

my house is available for my kids if they need it, but they don't. one who lives in another city comes her to stay for weeks at a time and WFH. it's fine, but i am ready for a break when she goes back. other one has her own house across town, but comes to visit and stay overnight now and then. it doesn't bother me like it seems it would you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:most kids have their parent house as home base during college even if they have an apartment.

my house is available for my kids if they need it, but they don't. one who lives in another city comes her to stay for weeks at a time and WFH. it's fine, but i am ready for a break when she goes back. other one has her own house across town, but comes to visit and stay overnight now and then. it doesn't bother me like it seems it would you.

Oh visits are fine and very welcome! Just not the day to day living thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was expected that we launch at 18 (my sibling brood that graduated 88-93). We did, and I am glad for it; I, the youngest, craved freedom and independence. I had wild times and no safety net, and I was acutely aware of that. I had times I felt no one could save me, no one could understand. I went through painful depression, alcohol and drug misuse.

I also had wonderful, memorable times, made lots of friends, persevered and became a successful person, despite my mother's real, articulated fear and belief that I would be a freak or a failure.

Worrying about my kid living with me is not one of my worries. One kid is well on his way to success, and will live in our city with us this summer for an internship. The other is much younger. I cannot imagine ever not opening my home to them. Or even, their eventual families, if it came to that.

Even if the worst happened, these are my boys, I am their parent, I am one they can depend on. What is love, if it's not that?*

I read a thing once that said "Extreme indepedence is a trauma reaction" and that fit for me. I could never ask for help. I want the boys to be independent, but to believe that they'll get help if they need it and ask for it.

*Caveats for drawing boundaries for kids who are spoiled, take advantage, are rude, etc.

Right but my OP said I would pay for this apartment if I had to. It is not about launching or not launching.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Than have them live at home during college or after.

Yes, I am a traditional white American. It is beyond my range of experience and observation for young adults to live with their parents for an extended time after they are 18. I would have never dreamed of it. My sisters never did. My parents would never have gone for it barring serious illness. And I don't really remember any of my friends doing it either. Summers were the longest times spent at 'home' after high school graduation.

Anyone else think like this?

I guess it depends on your relationships, temperaments and financials.

[Anonymous]

My sister lived with our parents after college. She lived with them for 3 years. Every month she put $2500 into a savings account. That what she figured she would have spent in rent, food, and utilities. She also put a bit away each month for savings. When she bought her house, she was able to put down $125K which isn't bad for a 26 yr old.

Having seen this play out, I would let my kids live with me after college. As parents we are all trying to give our kids the best start in life....we look for good school districts so our kids have a good education and we try to pay for college so they are not burdened with student loans. This is just one more way that people can set their kids up for financial success.

[Anonymous]

Agree it depends on individual temperaments, finances, etc.

I don't want to feel like I'm running a rooming house. If DD is living with us, I expect the dynamic to be a more adult version of how was during high school -- she has her own life and activities, she comes and goes, but she's still very much a part of the family. I'd expect her to eat dinner with us many nights, for instance, and to let us know when she's going to be out. I'd expect her to do her own laundry and clean up after herself and keep her room mostly in order (not spotless or anything, but not a total wreck). I could see it being nice to be in each others lives in that way, but with her as an adult. If she wanted to live with us during grad school, in the summer, while working, to save money, I'd be more than happy to welcome her.

But I think sometimes college and post-college kids treat their parents' homes like a place to sleep while they go conduct their "real life" elsewhere -- coming and going at all hours with not even a word to their parents, dumping laundry in the laundry room with the expectation someone else will do it, leaving messes in the kitchen and requests for specific foods but never eating a single meal with the family, etc. I would hope DD would not behave like this, but if she did, I would absolutely rather help her pay for an apartment elsewhere than live with that in my house

I'm not an AirBnB, but my home is always a welcoming place for a family member who wants to be part of the home unit for any length of time, at any age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister lived with our parents after college. She lived with them for 3 years. Every month she put $2500 into a savings account. That what she figured she would have spent in rent, food, and utilities. She also put a bit away each month for savings. When she bought her house, she was able to put down $125K which isn't bad for a 26 yr old.

Having seen this play out, I would let my kids live with me after college. As parents we are all trying to give our kids the best start in life....we look for good school districts so our kids have a good education and we try to pay for college so they are not burdened with student loans. This is just one more way that people can set their kids up for financial success.

Yes to this. This is such a gift to give to a young person, to allow them to not have to spend ever penny of their income in their first job on living expenses, so that they can actually get a foothold in the world.

I would also happily host my kid while they did an unpaid internship that could help them launch their career, or while they attended graduate school if that's what they wanted.

[Anonymous]

If it works better for you and you can afford to help them rent/buy then its a win-win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was expected that we launch at 18 (my sibling brood that graduated 88-93). We did, and I am glad for it; I, the youngest, craved freedom and independence. I had wild times and no safety net, and I was acutely aware of that. I had times I felt no one could save me, no one could understand. I went through painful depression, alcohol and drug misuse.

I also had wonderful, memorable times, made lots of friends, persevered and became a successful person, despite my mother's real, articulated fear and belief that I would be a freak or a failure.

Worrying about my kid living with me is not one of my worries. One kid is well on his way to success, and will live in our city with us this summer for an internship. The other is much younger. I cannot imagine ever not opening my home to them. Or even, their eventual families, if it came to that.

Even if the worst happened, these are my boys, I am their parent, I am one they can depend on. What is love, if it's not that?*

I read a thing once that said "Extreme indepedence is a trauma reaction" and that fit for me. I could never ask for help. I want the boys to be independent, but to believe that they'll get help if they need it and ask for it.

*Caveats for drawing boundaries for kids who are spoiled, take advantage, are rude, etc.

cost of living is soo much higher, are you yearning for the days of no cell phones and stay at home moms? wtf

[Anonymous]

What an ignorant person you are, OP.

In European and Asian cities, it's the norm for undergrads to live at home, since they can commute to college and save money on expensive rent. Indeed, universities don't have dorms in the American sense. There are living quarters for some students, but never enough for everyone. The students from the countryside are often left to find roommates in the city at large with minimal help from their college.

I hope one day you can understand that your lived experience means squat if you can't open your mind and consider there are other perfectly fine ways to live. It's embarrassing to declare as you did: "Here's what I'm used to and can't fathom people who do things differently". You are saying: "I have no clue how the world works and why people do what they do, so I'll just judge them without any understanding of their situation".

Colleges in the US want kids to sleep on campus so they can bilk you out of room and board, ostensibly to "promote independence and a tighter-knit student body". It's complete bullshit, given that hundreds of thousands of university students in the world don't live like that and do perfectly fine.

It's really important in life to question the rites of passage and traditions themselves, instead of questioning the people who don't adhere to them. The former is critical thinking, the latter is narrow-minded intolerance.