Dealing with your Ex-Spouses New Girlfriend or Boyfriend

[Anonymous]

I have been divorced from my husband for over a year. Recently, he started bringing his girlfriend around our kids all the time. She is watching them when he is unavailable. And attending high school events as well. I have no respect for my ex-husband and our marriage did not end on great terms. We do not co-parent; we parallel parent.

I am trying to get comfortable with a woman being around my children and it is a struggle for me. I am wondering how others in my situation have dealt with this and whether it made you anxious. And how did you finally get comfortable with the situation. While I know my kids adore me and we have a great relationship, I guess there is a slight worry that they may see her as the new shiny penny and me as the boring mom.

[Anonymous]

Don't let your jealousy of her (and negativity of your ex) infect your relationship with your kids. Don't make it hard for them.

Suggest you practice the "golden rule" by talking about your ex's GF like YOU would like her to talk about you. Which is, not much. Keep it very neutral, don't bash her or your ex, and allow your kids to develop a relationship her that they are comfortable with.

The worst thing you can do is put your kids in a loyalty bind by making them choose between you and any other female that comes into their lives. Including your ex's partners.

[Anonymous]

Did you read my question? Because your answer is completely non-responsive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been divorced from my husband for over a year. Recently, he started bringing his girlfriend around our kids all the time. She is watching them when he is unavailable. And attending high school events as well. I have no respect for my ex-husband and our marriage did not end on great terms. We do not co-parent; we parallel parent.

I am trying to get comfortable with a woman being around my children and it is a struggle for me. I am wondering how others in my situation have dealt with this and whether it made you anxious. And how did you finally get comfortable with the situation. While I know my kids adore me and we have a great relationship, I guess there is a slight worry that they may see her as the new shiny penny and me as the boring mom.

You sound nasty. Is it ok you date and not him? You are divorced, she is "new" so it wasn't an affair. Grow up and be supportive. Change your behavior so you both can better co-parent and try to work with him. You need to be cordial but not friends.

[Anonymous]

I have it on good authority that when my ExH found out I was dating he went out and got plastered and then puked all over his piano and down a flight of carpeting stairs. So ... not well.

If it makes you feel better, my kids do not like DH2 "better" than DH1. They're too different to be compared, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been divorced from my husband for over a year. Recently, he started bringing his girlfriend around our kids all the time. She is watching them when he is unavailable. And attending high school events as well. I have no respect for my ex-husband and our marriage did not end on great terms. We do not co-parent; we parallel parent.

I am trying to get comfortable with a woman being around my children and it is a struggle for me. I am wondering how others in my situation have dealt with this and whether it made you anxious. And how did you finally get comfortable with the situation. While I know my kids adore me and we have a great relationship, I guess there is a slight worry that they may see her as the new shiny penny and me as the boring mom.

You sound nasty. Is it ok you date and not him? You are divorced, she is "new" so it wasn't an affair. Grow up and be supportive. Change your behavior so you both can better co-parent and try to work with him. You need to be cordial but not friends.

NP and you sound nasty PP. She never said that it wasn't allowed - it is OF COURSE an entirely reasonable feeling and human nature to be uncomfortable about someone you don't know and didn't pick spending so much time around your kids and influencing the way they are raised. OP - don't fight the feeling (as in don't try to force yourself to not feel this way, no one likes being in this situation)...but work on rising above it with a therapist. It'll get easier over time most likely assuming the girlfriend isn't an awful person or undermining you. And if she is an awful person or undermining you, it'll still have paid off to find the behaviors to rise above and have as productive of relationship as possible with her so that you're close the situation.

Also for your worry - they might see her as the new shiny penny, just like they might with the fun aunt / friends mom that seems way cooler / whoever. But in those situations you know that you still hold the singular place of mom, even if its "boring old mom who enforces the rules and doesn't take us on random shopping sprees" and that trumps all the potential shiny pennies out there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been divorced from my husband for over a year. Recently, he started bringing his girlfriend around our kids all the time. She is watching them when he is unavailable. And attending high school events as well. I have no respect for my ex-husband and our marriage did not end on great terms. We do not co-parent; we parallel parent.

I am trying to get comfortable with a woman being around my children and it is a struggle for me. I am wondering how others in my situation have dealt with this and whether it made you anxious. And how did you finally get comfortable with the situation. While I know my kids adore me and we have a great relationship, I guess there is a slight worry that they may see her as the new shiny penny and me as the boring mom.

OP--your feelings are very normal. Been there. It will get better.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP. At least he waited- my ex introduced a new partner and her three kids with a weekend away with my kids- where he lied to the kids and called her his “friend from work”. He lied because this was at least a year before our divorce was final and he’s just met her online.

It’s hard but it helps if you’re prettier. Or smarter. Or richer

But don’t envy her. She’s with HIM just pity her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been divorced from my husband for over a year. Recently, he started bringing his girlfriend around our kids all the time. She is watching them when he is unavailable. And attending high school events as well. I have no respect for my ex-husband and our marriage did not end on great terms. We do not co-parent; we parallel parent.

I am trying to get comfortable with a woman being around my children and it is a struggle for me. I am wondering how others in my situation have dealt with this and whether it made you anxious. And how did you finally get comfortable with the situation. While I know my kids adore me and we have a great relationship, I guess there is a slight worry that they may see her as the new shiny penny and me as the boring mom.

I totally get what you’re saying. My ex’s gf is 16 years younger. She is a shiny new penny! But guess what? When one of my kids is sick or hurt or scared, they want me. When they’re proud of an accomplishment, they can’t wait to tell me. When they need advice, they come to me. When they think about their safe place, where they can be themselves and not feel self-conscious, it’s with me. Ex’s gf is a nice person. She’s fun and different. But I’m the mama bear to these cubs.

[Anonymous]

Thank you last three posters. I appreciate these comments. I was beginning to think I was mean and nasty And I am seeing a therapist and I am getting little better each week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you last three posters. I appreciate these comments. I was beginning to think I was mean and nasty And I am seeing a therapist and I am getting little better each week.

You are not at all mean and nasty- and no person who had been in your shoes would ever say you were. Hugs OP

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you last three posters. I appreciate these comments. I was beginning to think I was mean and nasty And I am seeing a therapist and I am getting little better each week.

You are not at all mean and nasty- and no person who had been in your shoes would ever say you were. Hugs OP

Are you joking? Because this:

Anonymous wrote:Did you read my question? Because your answer is completely non-responsive.

Was very mean and very nasty.

[Anonymous]

Why are the kids with dad when they're not with dad? Does he want less time with them?

[Anonymous]

I made that comment because your response was in fact non-responsive. I had to go back and read my question because I thought I had framed it incorrectly. I was not trying to be nasty. I am genuinely trying to see if my feelings were something others felt. And PP, I assume my ex-husband wanted to leave for his vacation and he didn't want to be inconvenienced by waiting for the nanny.