Parent Moving Next Door to Child - It's Worth It, Right?

[Anonymous]

My sister wants my mom to move an hour away from where she currently is to live next door to my sister. My sister realizes there will be aggravations with this close proximity but thinks it is best as my mom ages. A house next door to my sister is for sale. It isn't on the market yet and there are two other families in the neighborhood who are interested in having a family member move closer, so even though the house is off market there is still competition for the house. I think the seller is asking too much. The 2021 tax assessment was 2/3rds the asking price. Nothing in that neighborhood has sold for anything near the asking price, according to Zillow (which I realize isn't completely accurate). But is it worth it to make it easier for my sister and her family to help my mom or even just keep an eye on how things are going with care givers that may be needed eventually? My sister doesn't want my mom to move into assisted living because she is worried about elder abuse. They are NOT in the DMV or in a particularly HCOL area. We are crunching numbers but think my mom will be able to afford the new house WITHOUT a mortgage once she sells her house (currently no mortgage) AND uses $100K in savings. She has been living on social security but has a pension and retirement accounts she's just been saving RMDs from. My sister's husband (BIL) has said he's willing to cover any difference to have my mom closer for the convenience factor. I think that is both practical and generous of him. They all live over 1,000 miles from me (I'm in the DMV) so I know I will not be doing the day to day as my mom ages. She's 75 and in good health.

I'm a little concerned about over paying for a house, but anything to make it easier for my sister to help my mom is hard to put a price tag on, right? My mom is talking to me about this and asking my opinion. So far I've just said I think she should think about where she wants to end up living, how would she feel if my sister moved (not terribly likely, but possible and my sister is further from my mom's medical providers), and asked if this would require a mortgage. Thank you for any insights from anyone who has BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a bad plan and she cannot afford it.

[Anonymous]

She should not overpay. That’s a bad idea.

Moving away from good medical care is also not a great idea

[Anonymous]

I should maybe clarify that my mom would keep her current medical care, it would just take longer to get to appointments, though she's at a point where she prefers my sister to go with her to appointments.

[Anonymous]

Is the house set up for her to age in place, eg no stairs, step in shower, etc. proximity to your sister is not the only or even biggest factor in whether or not assisted living/ nursing home is necessary.

[Anonymous]

What does your mother want??? Her life, her choice. Plus, if she currently has friends, doctors, familiar stores, activities nearby, it can be damaging to move away from that.

[Anonymous]

Bad plan. The best thing is for mom to stay where she has doctors, friends, etc. I actually considered myself close to my mother and for the first 10-12 years of living near her when she had a life with dad it was fine. She had empathy back then too. Once she was alone and aging, boundaries flew out the window and I became her verbal punching bag. Her sense of empathy waned and was exchanged for a massive amount of entitlement. She used to hate the guilt trips and manipulations my grandmothers tried to use and vowed never to do that. She does it all,the.time. I have spent a fortune on therapy and still may end up not being able to be in her life while we just have strangers manage her care with aging.

[Anonymous]

It is a house she could age in place in. My mom does NOT know what she wants. Unfortunately she can very easily be swayed by whoever she is talking to. This is why when she asks do I think its a good idea I respond with questions like "you should think about whether this is where you want to live," and "do you like the community vs. the community you currently live in" (she's been in her current house for almost 40 years). She does like that this is a much newer house than she currently has (built in 2000s vs 1960s).

[Anonymous]

I mean, her money is there for her to live off of so if she can afford to buy the house, which it sounds like she probably can between her savings, SS, pension, and retirement accounts, that's not a big issue. She can always resell the house if she needs to; even if she eventually ends up selling at a loss she'll have lots of equity in it.

I think points PPs have made about how she feels about it with regard to things like her doctors and friends are more important in this scenario. My aunt did this with my grandmother, and for the last 15 years of her life my grandmother ended up feeling lonely and annoyed because her social life - which had been really active in her hometown - dwindled to going to my aunt's church events and occasional visits from my cousins and their kids. She very much regretted letting my aunt pressure her into moving. And then my aunt passed away unexpectedly, so she was left mostly on her own anyway and had no local friends to come visit her. (My side of the family lived quite far away and my mom did ask if she wanted to move by her, but my grandmother thought moving again would just be even more hassle and didn't want to do it.) It was a total mistake and it sucked.

Since your mom will still be close enough to visit her doctors maybe it's not such a big deal, but especially as we get older having truly local and longstanding friends in our neighborhood makes such a big difference, I think. My grandmother lived til 95 and until the last year was entirely mobile. She could have stayed so happily in her own home with regular check-ups for so many more years than she did. My husband's grandmother also died at 95 and lived at home til the end in an apt where she had to walk up a flight of stairs. I think living there kept her both mentally and physically in good shape.

GL whatever you all decide. I agree your BIL is being really generous with his offer. You all are a nice family.

[Anonymous]

I wonder how many posters who call this a "bad plan" are actually primarily responsible for their aging parents' day-to-day care? i have a hunch none of you are. It seems to me that this is an excellent plan, that OP should be exceedingly grateful to her sister and BIL, and that OP might consider offering to pitch in some money herself to help make it happen. Why is it so important that OP's mom not "overpay" for an extremely convenient house that guarantees her proper and close care and security as she ages?

You armchair quarterbacks are really too much.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s a good plan. It’s so hard to care for family members from a distance. If they move when they are still able to get around on their own, they can get to know the area, meet people, etc. And, I don’t think tax assessments are a good measure of a property’s value so hard to tell if overpaying.

[Anonymous]

Some people are so detached from the importance of human interdependence and community. They wonder why we have so much violence ( mass shooting ) lack of community in our society. I have 4 aunts who moved within 5 miles of each other a few years ago to help each other age in place. They get into each other’s nerves sometimes but no one is looking for an escape as they provide support and companionship to each other. They see each other at least twice a week providing mental, psychological and financial support when needed. One of them is bipolar and have not been as helpful to her only child as needed. The aunts are there to step in for mental, psychological support to that child. The benefits outweigh the minuses. The OP is lucky to have a sibling willing to pickup the slack to help their parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many posters who call this a "bad plan" are actually primarily responsible for their aging parents' day-to-day care? i have a hunch none of you are. It seems to me that this is an excellent plan, that OP should be exceedingly grateful to her sister and BIL, and that OP might consider offering to pitch in some money herself to help make it happen. Why is it so important that OP's mom not "overpay" for an extremely convenient house that guarantees her proper and close care and security as she ages?

You armchair quarterbacks are really too much.

Bad plan and I was 100 percent responsible for many years. It’s not financially viable.

[Anonymous]

I can't speak to the financial aspect of it, but when I was young my grandmother moved down the street from us so she could be closer to my Dad as she aged. I know he appreciated having her close, both to spend time with her and to be able to help with the practicalities of life (shovelling snow, driving, household stuff, company, and eventually doctor's appointments, etc) and it was a great thing for me as a child to be able to see her so often. This was a cross country move for her so she had to find new medical care and friends but I don't think she or my Dad (or my Dad's sister) ever regretted it; she was legally blind by the time she moved and I think living independently (which was what she wanted above all else) would have been impossible for her toward the end if she'd stayed on the West Coast.

[Anonymous]

I'm thinking that your mother is not in as good health as you think she is- she wants your sister to come with her to medical appts and she has a lot of medical providers? That suggests someone who needs to be cared for. And your sister lives an hour away? We are the care providers for a family member, this family member was about 10-15 minutes away and we ended up having to move the family member into our home as their care needs increased. If they had been right next door, we probably could have provided care next door for at least a while longer- and for sure they would have been happier to still have more independence.
The only thing that would give me pause is the social connections- if your mom has lived in her home for 40 years, how much does she get out? if she is walking away from significant social connections it is a bigger loss than if she is somewhat of a hermit, or is otherwise not really giving to much up.
I really think, however, that you should defer to your sister on this one- she is the one providing the day in day out care- and willing to continue to do so- and you are 1000 miles away.