How do you deal with a 20 something daughter moving in with boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

They have been dating for over two years and met in college. Nice guy from good parents. I always told her do not move in unless there is a ring and a date. Some of her friends are living with SOs and I was always happy she was living on her own rather than doing this.

They are both turning 24. OK, get they are adults but both sets of parents are somewhat uneasy. If you have been in the same situation, how did you cope?

[Anonymous]

What is your worry?

[Anonymous]

You just have to let it play out, either they will eventually get married or they won't and then your support will be needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They have been dating for over two years and met in college. Nice guy from good parents. I always told her do not move in unless there is a ring and a date. Some of her friends are living with SOs and I was always happy she was living on her own rather than doing this.

They are both turning 24. OK, get they are adults but both sets of parents are somewhat uneasy. If you have been in the same situation, how did you cope?

There is nothing to do. They are adults. You either support them and get to be in their lives OR you piss them off and have them not communicate with you. Think of yourself at age 24. Let her live her life. Perhaps they will know if they are right or wrong for each other after living together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is your worry?

OP: her getting tied down when she should be using these years to learn more about herself. And the possibility he strings her along if she wants to get married.

[Anonymous]

They're adults, there's nothing for you to do except accept it. I moved in with my now spouse when we were both 20. I doubt any of our parents were happy about that, but there wasn't anything they could have done to stop it, and we're going strong decades later.

[Anonymous]

hahah what? I moved in with my boyfriend after dating for 6 months when I was 25. We ended up getting engaged a year later and have been married for 11 years now.

My sister moved in with her boyfriend when she was 24 and he was 40. They got married a year later and have been married for 13 years now.

Thankfully our parents didn't say anything - even if they had reservations.

[Anonymous]

You realize that you have done your job and that you have done your best to instill her with good decision making skills. It may not be the choice you would make, but she is an adult and it’s not up to her to make you feel or allay your unease.

You could alleviate some of your concerns about the benefits of marriage by encouraging her to to get a cohabitation agreement, to encourage relationship counselling as a means to a healthy relationship, and accept that she is not you and will make different decisions than you have made.

[Anonymous]

There is nothing you can do about it. You accept it. You keep your concerns to yourself. If you notice anything specific that gives you pause, in terms of your daughter seeming unhappy or not doing something positive because of her BF, then you talk to her about *that*, framed in terms of her feelings and what you observe about her, and keep it totally separate from your feelings about them living together.

[Anonymous]

There is nothing to do. Your daughter is an adult.

[Anonymous]

The one thing my mother told me was to use caution when living with boyfriends. It's so easy to move in and MUCH harder to move OUT. Inertia can carry you for a long time in a bad relationship. Needing to pull up and move can keep people in the wrong relationship for a long time.

So if she's reasonably sure this relationship will around for a good long while, and he is too, then I don't think it's a problem. Or if she's willing to pack it up and move it out when she realizes it's not the right fit, fine.

But this is just counsel if she asks. If she doesn't, I'd do your best to be supportive and stay in her confidence. She'll need that if things don't work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They have been dating for over two years and met in college. Nice guy from good parents. I always told her do not move in unless there is a ring and a date. Some of her friends are living with SOs and I was always happy she was living on her own rather than doing this.

They are both turning 24. OK, get they are adults but both sets of parents are somewhat uneasy. If you have been in the same situation, how did you cope?

What do you mean? What is there to "cope" with? Sounds good to me. She's probably saving a ton of money in rent.

[Anonymous]

I moved in with my boyfriend without a ring about six months after we started dating when I was 23. Got married to him at 25 (and divorced from him at 43 but that had nothing to do with us cohabitating in our 20’s). If you were that worried about her not getting tied down and learning about herself then she shouldn’t even be dating anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your worry?

OP: her getting tied down when she should be using these years to learn more about herself. And the possibility he strings her along if she wants to get married.

Where is my "power down the chopper" emoji?

I mean, my Lord, you have two extremes in the same sentence. "Sow your wild oats! See the world! Or! Get married! Settle Down!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your worry?

OP: her getting tied down when she should be using these years to learn more about herself. And the possibility he strings her along if she wants to get married.

Both those things are possible with two separate addresses.