Sort of estranged from parents, but they want to come to college graduation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure I understand the visiting concern. It wasn’t really a thing when I was in college. You wanted to see your parents you went home.

Now, if your parents have told you that you weren’t welcome in their home that would be upsetting and I would understand your hesitation.

Same my parents never came to visit me and I was only a 4 hour drive away. They didn't want to do the parents weekend and I didn't want them to either, it wasn't a huge deal since that was pretty common. OP has an axe to grind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents didn’t pay or visit. They couldn’t afford to. I didn’t hold them being poor against them.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time to grow up which means dealing with your parents with respect.

No, that’s not what growing up means. Growing up means knowing what is aligned with your values and your best interests and doing it.

[Anonymous]

Let them come. Saying no will likely create more drama and use up more of your emotional energy than saying yes.

And you should be able to stay on your dad's plan till 26, if he will let you. That's a big bonus.

I'm sorry they haven't been more helpful. I just think saying no you can't come will be more stressful for you in the end.

[Anonymous]

Think of this as your first step in establishing an adult relationship with boundaries.

Lots of people show up for life events/ celebrations who never really did much. It’s a good chance to connect in a happy way, however briefly.

In this case I would say you are happy to see them there. The event is on this day and time and we can have dinner after, or whatever works for you. A more generous offer would be to spend a day with them giving them a tour so they get a little window into your life at school.

But you may also be in the midst of moving out etc. So you have to figure out what works for you and communicate that clearly, early, and if needed often.

Doing this now will help you with all future holidays, weddings and any other events where you need to negotiate and set boundaries because you will have set a precedent.

My DH, whose family is horrible, used to be so angry when he thought his family was claiming credit for his accomplishments. But he came to realize that he enjoyed the short happy times with his larger family and that was worth more than preventing his parents from making baseless claims. He also is not on social media so that helps. Anyone who really cares about DH knows the truth and that is enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They probably could not afford to pay. Grow up and pay your health insurance, phone and other living expenses.

They are not impoverished. They could afford to, they didn’t want to. They travel often, often places much further than my college.

How often did you go home? Did they pay for you to go home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time to grow up which means dealing with your parents with respect.

No, that’s not what growing up means. Growing up means knowing what is aligned with your values and your best interests and doing it.

You don’t get to do that while they pay your bills. When you truly stand on your own two feet then you are grown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They probably could not afford to pay. Grow up and pay your health insurance, phone and other living expenses.

They are not impoverished. They could afford to, they didn’t want to. They travel often, often places much further than my college.

How often did you go home? Did they pay for you to go home?

For schools breaks when we have to leave housing. I take the train home and stay with my grandmother. I pay for the ticket or sometimes my grandmother will offer to pay.

[Anonymous]

Who else from your family or friends would you have there then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time to grow up which means dealing with your parents with respect.

No, that’s not what growing up means. Growing up means knowing what is aligned with your values and your best interests and doing it.

You don’t get to do that while they pay your bills. When you truly stand on your own two feet then you are grown.

Does it cost to keep an additional child on insurance if you have younger children on the policy? They’ve never mentioned my phone, if they did I’d just get my own. I have a five year old iPhone on their shared family plan.

The above expenses whatever they are don’t really come close to the aid, scholarships, jobs and loans I’ve had to get. And I feel like they’re trying to hop in and take credit. They never asked to visit me. My siblings have never visited me here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who else from your family or friends would you have there then?

I was not planning to go. I have a job and just planned to leave after my finals. Out of nowhere they started pressuring me and making commitments to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents didn’t pay or visit. They couldn’t afford to. I didn’t hold them being poor against them.

Were your parents still emotionally aupportive of you? Rooting for you? I think OP is trying to tell us her parents were not these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who else from your family or friends would you have there then?

I was not planning to go. I have a job and just planned to leave after my finals. Out of nowhere they started pressuring me and making commitments to come.

In that case, I think you should decline going to graduation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who else from your family or friends would you have there then?

I was not planning to go. I have a job and just planned to leave after my finals. Out of nowhere they started pressuring me and making commitments to come.

You should have said this in the OP. So tell them they are welcome to attend the graduation but you are not planning to participate due to work commitments.

Make sure you aren’t skipping graduation out of spite. It sounds like your path to a degree has been difficult. You might find it helpful to celebrate it for a couple of hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time to grow up which means dealing with your parents with respect.

No, that’s not what growing up means. Growing up means knowing what is aligned with your values and your best interests and doing it.

You don’t get to do that while they pay your bills. When you truly stand on your own two feet then you are grown.

Does it cost to keep an additional child on insurance if you have younger children on the policy? They’ve never mentioned my phone, if they did I’d just get my own. I have a five year old iPhone on their shared family plan.

The above expenses whatever they are don’t really come close to the aid, scholarships, jobs and loans I’ve had to get. And I feel like they’re trying to hop in and take credit. They never asked to visit me. My siblings have never visited me here.

Assuming you do not have a job with benefits lined up after graduation, you'll have to suck it up to stay on their plan. The phone is a non issue as you probably need a new one at this point and you can set yourself up with your own plan and probably get the new phone for free with a contact commitment and trade in. Smile as an educated woman and let the "little" people come, hopefully your grandmother will be able to attend. If so, photos with grandma only. Good luck.