Parents who waited on giving phones, tell me your ways

[Anonymous]

My kids didn’t get a phone until middle school. I advised them against TikTok. They use discord and snap. We’ve had long conversations about social media and the internet because I work in cybersecurity. They were phished in elementary school while playing Roblox, which really had a profound impact on how they view the internet. I was able to sort it out but they are extremely cautious from that incident. (Actually worked out kind of well in hindsight!)

[Anonymous]

I just gave my 12 yo a phone but it does not have a data plan and internet is blocked. She has an iCloud account and can communicate with friends who have iPhones or with me. I’m thinking a data plan is at least a year away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m have a young tween and several in the class already have them, and DC has asked for one.

For those who have successfully held out until kids were in 8th or older, how have you done it? Just a simple no, shown them the research, tried to find similar-minded parents of peers (how?). Any advice on how you did it would be awesome.

Simple. Just say no. We set a timeliness for just prior to 8th with no socials until college apps are in. Easy peasy.

Same but until 9th. NBD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids didn’t get a phone until middle school. I advised them against TikTok. They use discord and snap. We’ve had long conversations about social media and the internet because I work in cybersecurity. They were phished in elementary school while playing Roblox, which really had a profound impact on how they view the internet. I was able to sort it out but they are extremely cautious from that incident. (Actually worked out kind of well in hindsight!)

Snap is excellent for hiding child-porn and underage-drinking, pot-smoking, vaping, stolen property, trafficking, etc.

Designed for it, in fact.

[Anonymous]

flip phone for calling mom or dad when they are at a drop off activity. no smart phone for personal use outside of home but at home they can use our phones. the watch thing is dorky, sorry.

[Anonymous]

I am very much a - do what's best for your family person. But I wanted to offer one word of caution - I did give my kid a phone for sixth grade. She needed it for a few reasons - and I locked it down heavily and I have monitoring software on it and I check it constantly. I am horrified by the stuff I see other kids sending around and we talk about it a lot. The kids who are making the worst choices are the ones with apple watches and ipads. Their parents seem to think b/c they don't have a "phone" their child is making good choices or can't get into trouble. As long as they can text, you need to be monitoring what they are sending around. Yes, I am sure social media is horrible, we haven't gotten there yet- but what I see on texting alone is very surprising -

[Anonymous]

PP - I also want to add - everyone knows how their kid operates the best. My kid needs to slowly learn the ropes and get little privileges extended over the years before we get to full blown access to anything. Whereas I am sure many kids can be handed a phone in 8th grade and have good judgment. It's given us a lot of conversation topics and it's been good to be on this slow build for our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say something that people might not like.

My one kid that didn't have a ton of friends and wasn't very social didn't fight it very hard.

My other kid who is very social and tends to be a bit more concerned with social status fought it HARD. It was awful. And yes, it does hurt them socially if they are very social. There's no tricks, it's just hard.

I will attempt to be more specific.

Social kid got a watch. He really resented not being able to face time. (We did not just have an ipad at home which in my view is just a phone at home so why bother just give them a phone.) They all face time and no one speaks via just audio. His watch would often wear out battery he was out and about so long with friends. So at some point we would not be able to reach him or be able to see where he was. At some point all of them were on snapchat and he wasn't. He showed me. They were in fact all on snapchat.

The iPad is MINE at home. They can use it. Even if I set it up all for them, it still would never be theirs. That's the difference. A phone is very obviously not yours. Also no one is bringing the iPad around all over the place like they are with a phone because it doesn't fit in a pocket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:flip phone for calling mom or dad when they are at a drop off activity. no smart phone for personal use outside of home but at home they can use our phones. the watch thing is dorky, sorry.

At least it can stay attached to them so they don’t lose it. Kids think a flip phone is just as dorky.

[Anonymous]

You can wait on phones but for Chrissakes, PLEASE don't expect people to go the extra mile to find ways to include your kid in things that are happening naturally via text. Example:

In text group, someone asks about going to mall, set a time and place. Your kid has no idea and then two hours into the mall trip, kids remember he's not there and don't bother to invite him.

Your plan involves every other parent taking the risks involved in having a phone but you NOT bearing that risk and riding the coattails of other parents who allow phones to include your kid in social activities, etc. which is selfish and an extra effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can wait on phones but for Chrissakes, PLEASE don't expect people to go the extra mile to find ways to include your kid in things that are happening naturally via text. Example:

In text group, someone asks about going to mall, set a time and place. Your kid has no idea and then two hours into the mall trip, kids remember he's not there and don't bother to invite him.

Your plan involves every other parent taking the risks involved in having a phone but you NOT bearing that risk and riding the coattails of other parents who allow phones to include your kid in social activities, etc. which is selfish and an extra effort.

This might be the dumbest thing I have ever read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:flip phone for calling mom or dad when they are at a drop off activity. no smart phone for personal use outside of home but at home they can use our phones. the watch thing is dorky, sorry.

were you able to find a flip phone with no screen for the internet? the only one we found had an internet screen and because that phone was so unsophisticated we could not put any filters on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can wait on phones but for Chrissakes, PLEASE don't expect people to go the extra mile to find ways to include your kid in things that are happening naturally via text. Example:

In text group, someone asks about going to mall, set a time and place. Your kid has no idea and then two hours into the mall trip, kids remember he's not there and don't bother to invite him.

Your plan involves every other parent taking the risks involved in having a phone but you NOT bearing that risk and riding the coattails of other parents who allow phones to include your kid in social activities, etc. which is selfish and an extra effort.

This might be the dumbest thing I have ever read.

+100 it's like a religious cult these smart phone parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can wait on phones but for Chrissakes, PLEASE don't expect people to go the extra mile to find ways to include your kid in things that are happening naturally via text. Example:

In text group, someone asks about going to mall, set a time and place. Your kid has no idea and then two hours into the mall trip, kids remember he's not there and don't bother to invite him.

Your plan involves every other parent taking the risks involved in having a phone but you NOT bearing that risk and riding the coattails of other parents who allow phones to include your kid in social activities, etc. which is selfish and an extra effort.

This might be the dumbest thing I have ever read.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I said no repeatedly and kept my word. You can't be afraid of disappointing or upsetting your children. You're the adult, they're the child. You're in charge, not them.

+1. We have four kids and the oldest didn't complain much so the others just accepted it. We waited until the end of 8th.

They did have access to an iPad or other device for communication at home. Really was no issue socially. Other than that... did they ever need to call us? Very, very occasionally something like a soccer practice ending early or needing to get picked up from somewhere... they borrowed a phone from a coach or, sure, sometimes a friend. But there was never any sort of emergency situation that made me wish the kid had a phone. Even those occasions when they did borrow a phone, they always had standard options of waiting for the pre-arranged pickup time like we would have done as kids.

I am very glad we waited, especially because my daughter didn't have to deal with some horrible social media stuff/bullying that her friend group went through. THAT SAID, waiting did not keep my kids from becoming any less addicted or glued to their phones as everyone else once they had them.