Parents who waited on giving phones, tell me your ways

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can wait on phones but for Chrissakes, PLEASE don't expect people to go the extra mile to find ways to include your kid in things that are happening naturally via text. Example:

In text group, someone asks about going to mall, set a time and place. Your kid has no idea and then two hours into the mall trip, kids remember he's not there and don't bother to invite him.

Your plan involves every other parent taking the risks involved in having a phone but you NOT bearing that risk and riding the coattails of other parents who allow phones to include your kid in social activities, etc. which is selfish and an extra effort.

What? Nothing selfish about it…there kid just gets left out of some social activities since they don’t have a phone. That’s all.

[Anonymous]

Their not there sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m have a young tween and several in the class already have them, and DC has asked for one.

For those who have successfully held out until kids were in 8th or older, how have you done it? Just a simple no, shown them the research, tried to find similar-minded parents of peers (how?). Any advice on how you did it would be awesome.

We were fortunate in that our oldest was not pressuring us for a phone and we waited until the end of 8th Grade. After that it was easy to explain as a "house rule" that it would be unfair to violate. I think the impulse to explain yourself and your reasons is generally a good one, but doesn't work here. You just have to say no and take the blowback.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Their not there sorry.

So what? Not everyone has fomo.

[Anonymous]

My DD is now in HS and has a phone now, but did not get it until around 8th grade. Very few of my DD's friends had phones when they were tweens. Their parents are doctors, psychologists, academics who are aware of the pitfalls of phones and social media, so most did not get phones until 8th grade or later AND had limited screens otherwise. That made it really easy for us! If they wanted to get in touch with each other they would call each other's home phones, parents' phones, or knock on each others doors or make plans at school. The friends with phones would send DD messages, knowing that DD would only be able to check messages once a day on her computer, so they adjusted their expectations. It was seriously not a problem and DD did not get left out at all, but we benefited from the fact that other parents were holding off on phones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can wait on phones but for Chrissakes, PLEASE don't expect people to go the extra mile to find ways to include your kid in things that are happening naturally via text. Example:

In text group, someone asks about going to mall, set a time and place. Your kid has no idea and then two hours into the mall trip, kids remember he's not there and don't bother to invite him.

Your plan involves every other parent taking the risks involved in having a phone but you NOT bearing that risk and riding the coattails of other parents who allow phones to include your kid in social activities, etc. which is selfish and an extra effort.

This might be the dumbest thing I have ever read.

Agree.

Absolutely dumb. Wow

[Anonymous]

You will face decision bias here. Pro-phoners will defend it and say their kid is a unicorn who isn't impacted. Anti-phoners will say their kids are better off.

Personally, I have serious doubts about the pro-phoners' beliefs that all their kids are unicorns who aren't negatively impacted. Very very short-sighted to think so. It isn't an issue until it is. All my friends with kids with phones have had issues with bullying, screenshots etc.

[Anonymous]

This is OP, I have been reading every post, and appreciating all the good ideas and advice. It makes me more confident going forward with a similar plan.

[Anonymous]

I'm the immediate PP to your last post. Realized I forgot to put in what we do.

Our daughter has been asking for a phone since 5th grade. She's now in 7th and we still haven't caved. The requests were really persistent in 6th. We remained steadfast - showed her all the data about the negative effects, showed her all the news articles of sad situations that arose from social media and cell phones with teens.

Now that she is almost done with 7th, she has matured enough to realize and accept it. And she mostly understands. We keep telling her that when she is older she will thank us. And I truly believe it. She is present, wonderful and just a fully engaged child. I'm frankly appalled by some of her friends addiction to phones.

We will get it for her as an 8th grade graduation present.

She has an ipad and can still communicate with friends that way.

[Anonymous]

Have not read the entire thread but I feel like the Apple Watch has been a gamechanger here. My 12-year-odl kid has the watch so she can call and text me (or friends) as needed but doesn't have access to the internet on demand. She has an iPad at home and texts friends on that too. We can track her location on the watch. She is in sixth currently and while a few kids have phones, maybe 25 percent, the rest have some watch/iPad combo.

We plan to get her a phone when she turns 13 (March of seventh grade) or the summer between 7th-8th so she isn't going into high school never having to navigate using this. No social media, probably no Safari or Google on there initially.

She wants one but doesn't push it, I told her we are watching to see if she is phone ready and part of the way she can show that is getting off the iPad, Switch, etc. when asked.

The other thing that really helps is that other parents seem to have gravitated toward the watch/iPad combo so she's not the only one without a phone.

[Anonymous]

Yes the watch/ipad combo is very popular - and is what we have settled on for our 12 YO. (She had a gizmo from 9-11 but that is really designed for young kids - its just not a realistic option for older kids.) We do not allow social media and review texts. We think its a good balance. I think its important to gradually introduce these responsibilities to kids. If you wait till they're in high school and just throw them a phone its like throwing them in the deep end and expecting them to learn how to swim.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, the questions of giving phones needs to be asked more precisely (and I'm speaking about my own lexicon).

Between internet connected watches, tablets, smartphones without a cell plan, smartphones with a cell plan, and basic phones, there is a lot of potenial for ambiguity.

When I think, 'is our daughter ready for her own phone,' I'm thinking of a smart phone with a cell plan. (She's upper-elementary/lower middle school so my answer is no, she is not.)

However, I do believe she's ready for a smart phone without a cell plan and she has one. She also has a 202 number through Google voice.

Like others, I see it as a small computer that has many more parental-imposed guiderails available than a laptop. We have imposed many guiderails on her access, including time, location, and access to certain apps and websites. Really, 98% of what she wants is Apple messenger and FB messenger.

Its hilarious to me that my daughter would prefer her used iPhone over a new Apple laptop (not that she has that choice).

As she gets older, we have not decided whether her next device will be an Apple Watch or a basic phone. We will not be adding her iPhone to a cell plan for several years.

[Anonymous]

Does it seem like high school require you to have a phone? And it has to be an iphone so you can all facetime when working on a group project? This is crazy.

It's like you're being judged by your technology. So much for being inclusive. Being in a club is inclusive but you get excluded because your phone is not compatible with our group project.

[Anonymous]

Same as the other posters. My 12 yr old has an Apple Watch she wears when she is outside and an iPad with a time limit at home to communicate with her friends. I don’t see the need for a phone till at least 9th grade so she is not getting a phone in middle school at all.

[Anonymous]

We did flip phone for middle and part of high school. We were willing to be as flexible as possible for IRL interactions-driving to sports stuff, driving for social activities for friends, signing up for fun camps and adventures. We made it clear it is best to live your social life out in the world face to face. We talked about all the the ways social media can cause emotional pain.

It was hard hearing about all the "good times" people were having with Tiktok before that Instagram. Our kids were annoyed with us, but now, that they finally have access to more, a few of their friends are getting flip phones at the suggestion of therapists because of all the damage or the stupid things they did online that will live forever if anyone downloaded it.

Our kids went from being the dweebs with the crazy parents, to being ahead of their time MOST IMPOTANTLY, there are really well-adjusted. One secretly did stupid things on Tiktok without our permission few years ago at a friends house and that was an ordeal. Otherwise though, they might text friends, but mostly they live life in person. They stay out of the Tiktok videos. They are involved in a lot of activities.