Any opinions about adoption with biological children?
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Anonymous
yeah such as? |
Anonymous
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become a CASA volunteer:
http://www.nationalcasa.org/ this is not for children who have lost both parents, but who are in foster care or another placement as a result of abuse or neglect. it is a wonderful program in which you can act as the courtroom advocate for the child (or children). the goal is to find a permanent and safe home for the child, whether that means a return to the biological family or adoption. |
Anonymous
| PP here, also want to comment that this thread has been very useful as i contemplate adopting after having one biological son (for medical reasons, pregnancy may be a risky option). thank you. |
Anonymous
| I have a developmental question...........my child is entering first grade. She has always know that she was adopted as a baby; we have told her story about the day she was born, etc. since birth. It is a "fact" to her, but recently she asked to see a picture of her birthmother, which was totally fine. We looked a pictures, told her mothers story, etc. and that was the end of the discussion. Until she began expressing thoughts that she is not loved as much as her siblings, etc. My question is, how much can a six year old understand cognitively at this age??? What can the handle emotionally??? Anyone been down this road??? Have any good books to suggest?? |
Anonymous
| Oh, 12:43, I really feel for you -- that's a tough situation. We have a 9 y.o. DD, whom we adopted, and a 15 y.o. DS, whom I gave birth to. Our little one has never said that she's not as loved, but I've always been concerned that she might feel that way sometimes. When we adopted her, a friend who also has a blended family gave me this advice -- when her younger child who was adopted expressed the feeling of being less-loved, she told him, "You complete our family." He found this very re-assuring, maybe because it made him feel like he was on equal ground with his older sib. I hope this helps you to think about how to respond to your daughter. Good luck. |
Anonymous
My opinion is that the 6 yo is understanding her adoption a bit more and having more questions and natural uncertainties. When she expresses thoughts that she is not loved equally, I take that to mean she is wondering if that is possible and all the "what if's" around that. My immediate reaction would be to reassure her that this is NOT possible - the pp's line "You complete our family" is a nice way to put it. I think a 6 yo wants to be loved, cherished, valued and needed just like everyone else. These book suggestions are from a blogging mom of bio kids as well as kids adopted from Ethiopia. The blog is http://abushel-and-apeck.blogspot.com/ I like her blogs about attachment. She's currently taking one of her kids to a therapist who specializes in adoption and trauma issues and she blogs about what the therapist has been teaching them. It's cool. Here are her recommendations: Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray Nurturing Adoptions by Deborah Gray... Nurturing Adoptions is long and has a lot of information for professionals, so you have to read through it focusing on what is important to you. It is also very focused on attachment and trauma, so it may not be as useful to some families, but for those of us with children who are struggling, it is a great book. The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis -- here's a link to her lectures http://www.irvingbible.org/index.php?id=1662 Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft by Mary Hopkins-Best I also highly recommend: Hold On To Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate While it is not an adoption book, it is one of the best books I have ever read about raising children to be well attached to their families rather than their peers. It is a must read if your children are nearing adolescence! Two other books on my desk are: Adopting the Hurt Child Parenting the Hurt Child Both are by Keck and Kupecky. These were sent to me by a good friend who has walked the road of parenting a traumatized child. I originally began reading Adopting the Hurt Child and then noticed that Parenting the Hurt Child was published more recently, so I picked up that one instead. Since I've skipped around a lot and finally started reading it sequentially, I can't recommend it yet, but I have heard many good things about both books. |
Anonymous
| We just adopted internationally and while it is an adjustment with already having a little boy, it has been worth it. We now have a beautiful baby girl added to our family. We have always seen adoption as another way to add to our family--a parallel course, not a substitute. It is a different experience but not a lesser one. It is important not the compare and then despair. You should adopt if you want to add to your family, period. Ultimately, the child should never feel as if they were given a home out of a sense of charity, only love. Not everyone is capable of this, so you must look deeply within yourself and ask the tough questions. The MOST important element is not where you adopt from, but whether you have the strength to endure uncertainly and if you have a very strong marriage. That is utterly essential. |
Anonymous
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We have a five year old bio child and have just been matched with a 4 year old girl through the social services. The parents rights are set to be terminated in 4 months. We are just in the process of spending time with her and transitioning to overnights. Her mom and many drug and mental health issues and was taken out of the home at 2 1/2 years old. She is doing remarkly well with wonderful foster parents over the the year that she has been with them. My daughter and her have been getting along wonderfully so far but I still worry that some of the things my new daughter says, like" your going to jail" or "you drunk" (something she heard at home)will rub off on my bio daughter. We don't want to delay attachment by being too strick but tell her that we don't use mean words. I can't help but worry though. Also I wonder how I get used to the idea that I'm her mom? She is already calling me my husband dad but she had issues with her own mom and her bio dad took care of her when he wasn't in prison. She is very attached to the foster dad, which I know is a good sign. I just don't want to push her too soon. We will definitely keep the foster family in her life. Has anyone dealt with these issues yet? Any advice?
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Anonymous
| My husband and I have a 2-year-old daughter (biological) and are very seriously considering adoption for a second. As far as we know we are able to have a second bio child, but for various reasons we are drawn to adoption. I have heard several times that the only valid reason to adopt is to build your family...my question is, isn't a desire to provide a home for a child who needs one a valid reason as well? |
Anonymous
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I am not sure about this...
I was adopted when I was a baby. Today,I don't think I would like to have someone in the same house hold who wasn't adopted as me. The idea is great and lovelly.But that would make me feel different from the family for some how. Good luck to you from all my heart. |
Anonymous
I just think that a first grader is too young to understant all that. I am adopted since a newborn.But my parents told me about my story when I was about 9-10 years old. Before that is too early I think. |
Anonymous
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Soooo glad you asked this. We're planning on doing the same. We have 2 boys, 1 girl, and realized that 1) our family doesn't feel "done" and 2) we really want our daughter ( who just turned 1) to have a sister. But I've had 3 c-sections, am 40, and the idea of another pregnancy scares me. So we have started the process of international adoption. We have a service and are trying to pick a country, etc. I have to tell you, and maybe this sounds crazy, but we gave it very little thought, it's just another way to build your family and it will all sort itself out. A child is a child. They want love and a home and parents and food and to be happy, and we can give them that. We want another child and we can either make one, which takes about a nanosecond and not a whole lot of thinking, or we can adopt one and not over-think it, which is what we're doing. Our oldest (5) knows what we're doing and he's excited about the possibility of another sister without the need for mommy to disappear into a hospital for 4 days. The other 2 are too little yet, we'll explain it to them when the time comes. It's just another way to make a family. I know we'll love her, maybe not the SAME way ( i don't love my 3 kids the same way now, they're all different) but certainly as MUCH.
Also, I work part-time ( 3 days per week), I worked full time till the third one but it was too much. I will be taking 6 months maternity leave when we get our new girl, which will be at least another year. Hubby works full time of course. Your idea is totally do-able. More than do-able, it's terrific! Go build your family, make it the one you want, and don't over think it. Good Luck!!! |
Anonymous
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I'm a Korean adoptee and I have an older sister and a younger brother who are not adopted. My brother was the oops we can get pregnant baby. My experience was just fine.
Also, being that I was adopted at the age of four, I always knew that I was adopted. I can remember flying here. For me, it wasn't a big deal. As a child, being adopted, was just a fact of life for me and wasn't really a big issue in my life growing up. In college, I did seek out my birth family, and there are of course issues that I dealt with as a young adult, but I think that you can have a very normal childhood being adopted and being in a family with siblings who are not adopted. I'm not sure if this is available in this area, but I attended Korean Culture Camp growing up and had friends who were adopted like myself. Perhaps this made me feel normal. I honestly don't think I spent much time as a child thinking about being adopted. But then, again, every family is different. |
Anonymous
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You may want to read this article: http://www.brainchildmag.com/essays/summer2009_nichols.asp
It addresses a lot of the issues that have some up in this thread, although it does not directly address OP's question. |
Anonymous
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I just wanted to encourage all you happily married couples that both have the heart to adopt, to adopt! I have been interested in adoption but my husband is not. He saw it for us as a way of having a family if we could not biologically.
If your marriage is important to you, family is important to you & you both have the heart for adoption, go for it!!! God bless!!!! I know you will be blessed! |