Any opinions about adoption with biological children?
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Anonymous
| To the PP if you check back to read this thread....thank you for taking the time to respond in such a thoughtful way. My husband and I are also considering adoption after having one biological child because having another on our own is no longer a possibility (by no choice of our own). I shared many of the OP's concerns. Your last paragraph brought tears to my eyes. I may borrow some of your words as I discuss this next step with my husband. |
Anonymous
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Some adoptees who have grown up in such homes are against it, some not.
Diffucult for anyone to say what your family dynamic will be and if the kid will think of it. |
Anonymous
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OP, when you think of adoption in theory, then the idea of helping a needy child comes to mind. But once you see the face of that child, I think the theory will disappear. You will love THAT child, not the concept of the child.
I think the danger lies in what the true motivation is. Is it to just do good? Almost as if you are thinking of yourself in a movie? Or it to have another baby? If its the last one, the way you get that baby doesn't matter. C-section or natural birth, we don't differentiate or love those babies any differently. For me, adoption is just a third option to those. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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I thought I would add something since I was adopted when I was four from China. My parents have two biological children and I am the middle. So I just wanted to comment on a few things, which is that too often when I tell people that I am adopted they tell me how lucky I am that I was saved, how wonderful my parents must have been and how sorry they feel for me. And trust me, I don't need anyone's sympathies.
And it's really annoying especially since I grew up in a household with two parents who had similar views and who obviously favored their biological children(although they would never admit it to this day). It's important to remember that it's human nature to favor those who are genetically related to you. But this of course can always be overcome. My parents would be completely embarrassed if anyone thought they treated me differently. I guess suffice it to say, often times, those who refuse to see any fault within themselves are the most likely to have fault. While adopted children will have their issues, I think it's important to remember that all children have their issues, not all adoptive children have the same issues, and that you can see favoritism in a family with only biological children. I'm a big fan of treating family issues, as if the whole family has the issue, as opposed to seeing the child as the issue/problem. You can create a family dynamic in which every child feels loved, respected, and treated fairly. On the other hand you can also create a family dynamic that that does not. And more often than not, the latter will be the default if you do not have this purpose in mind. My mother and sister both had severe depression problems and often I was told to my face that I thought something was unfair just because I was adopted. So for me, I believe it was easier to for my family to make me the scape goat for other issues and often projected onto me what they were actually thinking. When I was a child I never remembered that I was adopted until my parents would say something like "you just think we did that because you are adopted." I also think that when I viewed my family I saw all white faces and did not see how different I looked, whereas when my parents saw me and the family, I don't think they could forget that I was adopted. I also want to add that while it is rare for people to consider adopting older children, and I acknowledge that to be a good thing, you have to remember that adoption is a situation where both people should be gaining something wonderful-the child and the adoptive family. You should never go into an adoption thinking that you are some saint rescuing some poor orphan. Too often American families measure the quality of life by $$$ and don't recogniz the kind of loss an adoptive child goes through when they loose their biological family for whatever reason. Like any other child, the adoptive child has no choice in who their parents are. They had no choice in choosing their biological parents and they had no choice in choosing their adoptive parents. I was put up for adoption when I was 4 and put into foster care and was adopted at 4 1/2. I have a long complicated story. I also have my own child and am considering adopting a child as well. When I gave birth to my child, I thought that my son was the greatest gift I have ever received and I will think no differently if and when I decide to adopt a child. |
Anonymous
Nobody should be made 'greatful' for having a family. Adoption is not something done for charitys sake. Adoption is for selfish reasons. You want a child that is yours. If you really wanted to help an orphan, there are many other ways to do it. |
Anonymous
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We are the parents of two children, a 14-y.o. boy who is our child by birth and an 8 y.o. girl whom we adopted at 15 months. I'd like to thank the many posters who have been generous in their insights on this issue, especially the adoptees who posted and the parent who posted on 10/13 00:21. I can't add much to what you've already said so thoughtfully, but would just echo the following points:
1) Adopt for the same reasons you'd have another child by birth -- in other words adopt if you'd like to add to your family, not to help another child. People tell us all the time how lucky our daughter is, but we know we're the lucky ones. She is a beautiful, joyous spirit and I can't imagine how much poorer our lives would be if she had never come into our home. This isn't to say she doesn't bust my chops every day . . . but so does my teen-ager -- that's just a fact of parenting. I did worry before we brought her home whether I'd love her as much as I do my son. I don't worry about that anymore. She's mine and I'm hers; it's as simple as that. As for the relationship between our kids, it's a joy for us to know that they'll have each other's love and support all their lives. Does this mean they never argue or annoy each other? Of course not -- who knows better which buttons to push than your sibs. (Can you tell I'm writing this hours before we leave to spend T-Day with my sister and her family?) 2) Treat each of your children as a gift and as a unique individual. In some way, this is easier with a child whom you've adopted. My husband and I look at our son, who shares many of our personality traits and interests, and sometimes find it hard to separate our experience from his. But, our daughter's strengths and challenges are her own, so we can revel in the former without feeling like we're patting ourselves on the back (e.g., She's a great artist, and since neither of us is, we feel a little freer to brag about her talent.  More seriously, we learn from her to see and appreciate and create beauty.) At the same time, we can be more objective in helping her deal with her challenges because they're not ones we share. Whereas with our son, we get a little more anxious because our egos get more involved.
3) Remember that all kids (and adults) have their challenges and that there's no recipe for a happy life or family. Create your own family style -- the only ingredients you need are love, patience, faith, humor and gratitude. You'll figure out how to deal with questions about adoption, from all your kids, from friends and from strangers. There are lots of resources in this area for families who have adopted, and your own common sense and love and knowledge of your children will be your greatest asset in sorting out these issues. (PP 10/13 00:21 -- we also work through how much our daughter's Chinese heritage is part of our daily lives, and I appreciate your insights on this. Mostly we look for opportunities to learn about China, but don't force this on her. Sometimes she's really interested and sometimes not.) OP, good luck with your decision. |
Anonymous
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I"m a daughter of a mom who as adopted at age 2.
my mom's adoptive brother married a lady who couldn't have children so they adopted a boy. the boy grew up to marry a lady who cannot have children so they also adopted a boy. later in life I came to USA to be an au pair for a family that after their 3rd biological child decided to adopt 3 more children. they're all so different and you can NEVER imagine how it will turn to be. the older one adopted from a asian country came from an orphanage and we had to work with her in several behavioral issues due to the fact that she was never held. she couldn't walk so we found out she is deaf. we took her to the "deaf kids" school the teacher came to tell us she's gifted so know we're working her way up to a "gifted kids" school. can you imagine if she was left in that orphanage? deaf and not walking? she'd be considered a "retarded" and know she'll be a doctor, a scientist... whatever she wants to be!!!! the babies came from foster families in south america and they were just wonderful!!!! very affectionate, well behaved and HAPPY!!! a little trouble we faced with all of them was getting them used to American food. it's a chalenge to work with all the different textures and to get them to give up the "sugar" but besides all ITS A WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE. they taught us A LOT so far and I can't wait for them to grow up to watch the wonderful individuals they'll become. I grew up working as a volunteer in a orphanage and you can't imagine what is like in a place like that. I can't wait to go back home to "pick up" my babies!!! =] |
Anonymous
Wow, 7:05, thanks for putting into words something I've experienced as an adoptive mother but could never quite explain. Even from the very beginning, when I would participate in new-moms groups, and the other moms would be wracked with guilt over their baby not sleeping or not latching or having reflux, I found that I simply wasn't taking things as personally as they were, and I knew it wasn't because I loved my child any less. But you're right - I see that I can be more objective because my ego isn't involved. When people say how beautiful DD is, I've always said "I can agree with you because I had nothing to do with it!" And I find it fascinating to look at her and see her little mind working - in a way that is so different from mine. And when there's a problem - medical or developmental - I don't blame myself. We just move ahead and do what needs to be done. Anyway, thanks for the revelation... |
Anonymous
| OP here. Thank you for everyone's extremely insightful, thoughtful, and supportive comments. This has been more useful to our thinking than any conversations I've been able to have. You all are wonderful people! |
Anonymous
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Biological oldest child here with adopted younger sister 11 years difference. My personal experience is that adoption for SOME parents who are incapable of acknowledging the psychological traumatization that can affect a biological child, should never adopt. In fact, frankly I'm against adoption across the board due to my own experiences.
At 11 years old in a home with parents who worked 90% of the time but made a comfortable home for my I have to admit for the most part I was spoiled. But as always I had a good heart and wanted a sibling. My mother attempted for years to have a biological child but due to medical issues it was not in the cards. I frankly rejoiced in having a sibling at that time and was all for the adoption. But after my adopted sibling got home things changed. Where I was a latchkey kid and had very little of dad's attention due to his work and dealt with his anger when things weren't "just so" in his OCD world, my "sister" was treated differently. It's funny, I'm 38 now and just recently my father looked at me and said "We know we play favorites and you're not it." I look back on it now and realize in their minds they were trying to do exactly what it is that people tell you to. Make the child feel loved, don't let the adoptive child EVER be made to feel like their different. In doing so, my own psychological incapable parents lost sight of the fact that they HAD a biological child and only knew saw the adopted child. So much so I to this day can count only maybe one picture of me on their walls in their home and countless of my adopted sister. My father's coworkers demanded to even see my license once when I was 18 when I told them that I was his daughter because "He only has one daughter, I've only seen pictures on one child in his office and you're not her." Don't get me wrong, I went through growing pains just like every other teenager and early adult. I made screw ups just like everyone, but NOTHING to justify being told I was "a guest in their home not family." Sorry but if you're not prepared to admit that psychologically siblings MAY need counseling and therapy throughout this growing process, you shouldn't be allowed to adopt. I'm actually in the process of getting my thoughts down on paper. Children have been scarred silently due to just this problem and noone has spoken for the biological children that go through this. |
Anonymous
Wow. Sounds like you have exceptionally, irretrievably shitty parents. They might have been just as horrible with a biological child 11 years your junior, the "baby" in the family, after years of trying to have one. This is more an argument against selfish, insensitive people adopting than anything else. |
Anonymous
god bless you for saying that. i was infertile for 5 years ... and i would have given my right arm to be a mom to one, period. |
Anonymous
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i'm currently pregnant, but i plan on adopting my next child. Its just how my husband and I want to build our family. Its been our plan since before we got married, and I have to say, after getting pregnant I feel even better about the decision! (I do not like being pregnant).
My only question is, there are millions and millions of children waiting for adoption. Why does it take so long? Is that really in the best interest of these children? Is it controlling the "market" so that agencies can make more money? I just don't understand. |
Anonymous
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Part of the reason that adoption takes so long is that before you are even eligible, you have to go through a home study. That takes a few months. Then, in most cases, you have to complete classes. Once that is done, for an International adoption, you have to prepare a dossier that meets the country's requirements. Depending on your personal history (how many places you've lived, whether you ever lived abroad, whether you have health problems) and your level of competence with paperwork, that can take anywhere from a few days to many months. There is your USCIS approval for an international adoption, which, depending on where you live takes another few months after your home study is done. Once this is done, then you get to go on the list to wait.
The wait time is controlled by the country, which works in the way that country works, not the way Americans would like it to work. Some countries have lots of what we would see as inefficiencies. Some countries have limitations on the number of kids it will release to the US each year. Some countries slow down or close to Americans periodically due to the relations between the US and the country. Some countries have strict limits as to who is eligible for adopt kids from their country. I could go on and on as to why it is slow. As to your question of whether it is to make agencies more money, I can't see how that makes any sense. Agencies make money on completed adoptions. Good luck in your decision. It is a roller coaster, but one that is well worth it. And, not all adoptions take any longer than it takes to conceive and give birth. |
Anonymous
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I have two biological children and a wonderful daughter that we adopted when she was nearly two. She is a different race, but I actually think she looks like us. I guess I just sort of forget.
The hardest thing we have dealt with is that one of my sons getting mad at my daughter and in anger saying that he wished we could "send her back." It must be clear to all that this will not happen and we do not want it to happen. The issue has also come up about my daughter's birth mother and her motivation for giving up my daughter. This is also painful for all the kids to deal with. I don't think you should feel guilty about working and adding more children to your family. It is likely that you wouldn't if you gave birth to a third. Your time is greater demand with three than with two, but that is not an adoption issue. Good luck with your decision. |