Any opinions about adoption with biological children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is unfair to bio kids to divert resources. Especially if you are working and don't get to spend much time with them.

By that perspective any child after one, bio or otherwise diverts resources.

[Anonymous]

I think people might also want to keep in mind that our ideas about child rearing have changed, probably for the better in most cases. When I was a kid in the 70's, abuse was often swept under the rug. It was also acceptable to keep information about their origins from kids.

This also means that the standards for adoptive parents have changed. When I was a kid, several of the adoptive parents I knew were alcoholics. I'd like to think that today, none of these people would make it through a screening. I think this means that the experiences of adoptees today will hopefully be different from people who were adopted between 1950 and 1980, when the big requirement for adoptive parents was a pulse. (The recent article on evangelicals "rehoming" adoptees from Liberia, however, doesn't support my hypothesis).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is unfair to bio kids to divert resources. Especially if you are working and don't get to spend much time with them.

By that perspective any child after one, bio or otherwise diverts resources.

I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is unfair to bio kids to divert resources. Especially if you are working and don't get to spend much time with them.

By that perspective any child after one, bio or otherwise diverts resources.

I agree.

If a parent cannot provide basic sustenance and education, I don't think adopting more kids makes sense.

But I don't think inheritance or getting a bmw for graduation is a reason not to have more kids -- I'd be a heck of a lot more worried about the values being transmitted to the kid rather than what they are getting or not getting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is unfair to bio kids to divert resources. Especially if you are working and don't get to spend much time with them.

By that perspective any child after one, bio or otherwise diverts resources.

I agree.

If a parent cannot provide basic sustenance and education, I don't think adopting more kids makes sense.

But I don't think inheritance or getting a bmw for graduation is a reason not to have more kids -- I'd be a heck of a lot more worried about the values being transmitted to the kid rather than what they are getting or not getting.

From what I know, adopted kids almost always require lots of time, attention, money for therapy, etc. This is what I call resource diverting. Maybe not BMW, but would be nice to use this money to pay for college for your bio kid(s), etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just wanted to add one other thing to think about....Adoption of healthy nfants, both domestically and internationally, is getting more and more difficult. Demand is growing faster than adoption agencies can meet. There are many, many people who have struggled for a lot of years trying to conceive or who have medical issues that prevent them from carrying their own children. For these people, adoption is their only possibility to have a family. Some adoption agencies are beginning to give priority to families who have 0 or 1 children, and I know I'm going to get flamed for saying this, but I believe this is a good policy. A lot of women who cannot have children would give anything to be in your place with 2 children already. Please consider them also when you are making your decision.

+1, from a woman who is devastated that uterine scarring due to medical neglignce will prevent me from ever having more than 1 child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is unfair to bio kids to divert resources. Especially if you are working and don't get to spend much time with them.

By that perspective any child after one, bio or otherwise diverts resources.

I agree.

If a parent cannot provide basic sustenance and education, I don't think adopting more kids makes sense.

But I don't think inheritance or getting a bmw for graduation is a reason not to have more kids -- I'd be a heck of a lot more worried about the values being transmitted to the kid rather than what they are getting or not getting.

From what I know, adopted kids almost always require lots of time, attention, money for therapy, etc. This is what I call resource diverting. Maybe not BMW, but would be nice to use this money to pay for college for your bio kid(s), etc.

Right on -- leave those colombian kids in the orphanages -- this adoption thingie is all evangelical bunkus anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

From what I know, adopted kids almost always require lots of time, attention, money for therapy, etc. This is what I call resource diverting. Maybe not BMW, but would be nice to use this money to pay for college for your bio kid(s), etc.

Seriously. This is one of the most ignorant posts I have read in a long time. "adopted kids almost always require." I can only conclude that you have zero experience with adopted children, or adult adoptees.

signed mother of 3 adopted children, with many many friends who are either adult adoptees or also have adopted children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

From what I know, adopted kids almost always require lots of time, attention, money for therapy, etc. This is what I call resource diverting. Maybe not BMW, but would be nice to use this money to pay for college for your bio kid(s), etc.

Seriously. This is one of the most ignorant posts I have read in a long time. "adopted kids almost always require." I can only conclude that you have zero experience with adopted children, or adult adoptees.

signed mother of 3 adopted children, with many many friends who are either adult adoptees or also have adopted children.

Peach it, sister!

Signed,
Adult adoptee with adopted siblings and a mom to both bio and adopted children

[Anonymous]

A number of families here may be considering adoption. THere is a nonprofit called Families for Private adoption that supports all ethical adoptions. They're having an educational workshop in the DC metro area on Saturday, Oct. 12. For anyone who's interested in learning more, there are success stories highlighted, legal issues discussed by attorneys, birthparent viewpoints and more. It's a lot of good info.
Registration details: http://ffpa.org/article.php/2011090514331414

[Anonymous]

I am the eldest of eight, six biological and four adoption. When my parents decided to adopt it was probably the most selfish decision they could have made. Four boys of which were all exposed to Crack/Cocaine. My mother has caused a great division between her biological and adopted children which happens to be very dysfunctional. She is self loathing and dishonest. Everything changed when my mother and father adopted the children. I personally would never adopt a child especially if I were able to have my own babies. There are 15 people in my family who are adopted and every last one of them has a problem. This may sound terrible but only speaking the truth. The abandonment and lack of bonding from the original mother affects the child for life. No matter who, what, when. where, how or why if you bring a child in the home of your biological children, they will be affected by you because they will be under the light, watching everything they say and do. Your family will never be the same.

Just my two cents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]I am the eldest of eight, six biological and four adoption[/b]. When my parents decided to adopt it was probably the most selfish decision they could have made. Four boys of which were all exposed to Crack/Cocaine. My mother has caused a great division between her biological and adopted children which happens to be very dysfunctional. She is self loathing and dishonest. Everything changed when my mother and father adopted the children. I personally would never adopt a child especially if I were able to have my own babies. There are 15 people in my family who are adopted and every last one of them has a problem. This may sound terrible but only speaking the truth. The abandonment and lack of bonding from the original mother affects the child for life. No matter who, what, when. where, how or why if you bring a child in the home of your biological children, they will be affected by you because they will be under the light, watching everything they say and do. Your family will never be the same.

Just my two cents.

Isn't that 10?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the eldest of eight, six biological and four adoption. When my parents decided to adopt it was probably the most selfish decision they could have made. Four boys of which were all exposed to Crack/Cocaine. My mother has caused a great division between her biological and adopted children which happens to be very dysfunctional. She is self loathing and dishonest. Everything changed when my mother and father adopted the children. I personally would never adopt a child especially if I were able to have my own babies. There are 15 people in my family who are adopted and every last one of them has a problem. This may sound terrible but only speaking the truth. The abandonment and lack of bonding from the original mother affects the child for life. No matter who, what, when. where, how or why if you bring a child in the home of your biological children, they will be affected by you because they will be under the light, watching everything they say and do. Your family will never be the same.

Just my two cents.

Not all children through adoption have issues. Your mom probably adopted out of foster care and used the stipend as income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the eldest of eight, six biological and four adoption. When my parents decided to adopt it was probably the most selfish decision they could have made. Four boys of which were all exposed to Crack/Cocaine. My mother has caused a great division between her biological and adopted children which happens to be very dysfunctional. She is self loathing and dishonest. Everything changed when my mother and father adopted the children. I personally would never adopt a child especially if I were able to have my own babies. There are 15 people in my family who are adopted and every last one of them has a problem. This may sound terrible but only speaking the truth. The abandonment and lack of bonding from the original mother affects the child for life. No matter who, what, when. where, how or why if you bring a child in the home of your biological children, they will be affected by you because they will be under the light, watching everything they say and do. Your family will never be the same.

Just my two cents.

10 kids? Or 8?

Either way - I know a lot of successful adoptive families and adoptees - both international and from foster care. Don't let the poor experience of one person cloud your view of all adoptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I really appreciate everyone's honest replies. I really did want completely honest opinions. In the spirit of further frankness...let me ask more on a touchy issue. One poster said to adopt because you want more children, not for charity (or something like that). While I understand the reason for that, I also know (I work in a social services field) that adoptive parents are "needed" (particularly for older kids). I would think that to adopt a child because you think it is helpful, might be a valuable motivation, particulalry if and when things become difficult. In other words, I worry that if the primary motivation for adopting is rooted in MY needs (i.e., to have more children), then I would likely be more quickly disappointed (because my needs weren't being met) when things become difficult. Is being partly motivated by the desire to help a child in need a bad thing?

Again, I really do want honest opinions because I want to assess my own motivations in making this decision. If my motives are misplaced, I don't want to adopt (I don't want my problem to become a problem for the child). My motives right now are to have a bigger family, but also to be helpful to a child in need. (We are capable of having more biological children, but the reason to adopt rather than have more biological children would be rooted in a sense of charity.)

Sorry for rambling....I hope that makes sense. We do want a larger family and, if adoption seems like the wrong thing to do (because of our motivations or any other reason), than we would likely just get preganant again.

I think about this a lot - the idea of motivations. We have dealt a lot with infertility and although we had one child with IVF don't want to go that route for another child. We are unlikely to have another. I think what's icky about adopting out of a sense of charity is that it casts you in a martyr/savior role. Later, when things get more complex with your child and they're a teenager and seeking their birth family/heritage etc. and you have doubts about whether this adoption truly served the child's best needs then you have to face why it happened. Nobody wants to feel like their parents had them to do them a favor. No child wants to feel indebted or beholden. If the child is chosen instead to fulfill the parents' goals to have a family then it is less fraught. International adoptions can unintentionally create black markets for babies that lead to kidnappings, etc. If you discovered that the adoption you undertook to "help" a child actually fractured her family of origin then where would you stand?

Did you ever have a preteen fight with your mom where you shouted "I didn't ask to be born!" Perhaps I was more melodramatic than most, but I can imagine the added levels of drama an adoption would add to that fight. Harder to withstand if the adoption was predicated on "helping" the child and she doesn't perceive herself as having been helped.