Any opinions about adoption with biological children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PP if you check back to read this thread....thank you for taking the time to respond in such a thoughtful way. My husband and I are also considering adoption after having one biological child because having another on our own is no longer a possibility (by no choice of our own). I shared many of the OP's concerns. Your last paragraph brought tears to my eyes. I may borrow some of your words as I discuss this next step with my husband. [sick}

[Anonymous]

What happened to OP? did you go through with adopting?

[Anonymous]

it has been a couple of years, but just wondering what happened to OP? did you go thru with adoption? I am in same position as you...thinking of adopting after biological children..working nearly full time....

[DarleneS]

I wanted to share what I have lived in due to my birth parents adopting two girls. It brought curses on our family which is being passed down and will continue to be passed down generations. They did this in 1977. They have since grown up, had 4 children between them, none with daddys, although they hae both had divorces and live-ins, fights, etc, had their children removed from the for abuse, dui's, arrested with their picture on the front page of the newspaper, etc while my parents paid to get them out of trouble, pay for them houses, took care of their children, and drained my parents dry of their hard earned savings. My parents are now retired and have almost nothing. They should have thousands and thousands in the bank. Their nerves are shot. The girls and their kids fight amongst themselves calling my parents at 2am to tell them how one of them spilled table salt on the other ones couch. My mother has RA, and high blood pressure, my daddy has horrible nerves and high blood pressure. Yes, this makes me mad. I never did any of this. Why? Because I have a bond with my parents. They are my biological parents. God put a bond there. Only He can make it. You can't place a bond there with paper and changing someone's name to yours. I've lived though proof of this. The Bible talks about families passing down curses from generation to generation. When you adopt, you have no idea what curses you are bringing in. It just so happened my parents brought in the curse of drug addicts, alcoholics, and murderers. We will now have to deal with this for the rest of our lives. There's not enough room on here to share the experiences of my family on here. None of which are good. None. I have no good memories of my childhood after the day they came. I never again felt it was my home. When you adopt, that child has a 100% chance of something being wrong in their life or they wouldnt be up for adoption. This means you will have to pull a whole lot of attention away from the child God hand-picked for you to give to someone else's child. I cannot tell how this makes you feel. To bring in a complete stranger off the street, give them the same last name you have, allow them you call your parents momma and daddy, hear them tell that stranger they love them the same as they love you (which means you arent special to them any longer. You are now no more special to your momma and daddy than a stranger's child walking down the road that youve never met.) But you have to be excited and act like your happy that the new sister or brother is there or your are jealous. No one ever stops to think of what the birth child goes through. I could talk for a long time about this. But if you loev your birth child at all, plain and simple, dont do it. Be happy with God has gien you. IF HE wants you to have more, trust Him to work it out. Please Please Please Please Please trust me. I'm 44 and still have nightmare over this. And still have bad nerves over this. If I could only help one birth child, typing all of this is worth it. If you have any questions, I will be happy to answer them. Darlene

[Anonymous]

We have both bio and adopted kids. We adopted an older child out of birth order, and it was sooo hard on the kids who were already here. Please don't do this. We thought our family would be the exception. This one adoption has had such a negative impact on our family.

The psychological, emotional, and mental health issues of this one child have nearly collapsed our family.

The damage to our biological child who is close in age to the child from this adoption has been severe and will be life-long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have both bio and adopted kids. We adopted an older child out of birth order, and it was sooo hard on the kids who were already here. Please don't do this. We thought our family would be the exception. This one adoption has had such a negative impact on our family.

The psychological, emotional, and mental health issues of this one child have nearly collapsed our family.

The damage to our biological child who is close in age to the child from this adoption has been severe and will be life-long.

I would question what adoption agency would allow you to do this. Older child adoption is hard on its own. Most reputable agencies will not allow you to disrupt birth order, because it is known to cause additional strain. The agency should not have allowed it, and should have counseled and educated you about the difficulties.

[Anonymous]

- how hard is it to integrate natural born children with an adopted child (particularly when that child will likely be from a different racial background)? not hard.

- is there an ideal age gap/separation? the ideal is that the adopted children are younger than your children. the idea is that while you may shift their birth order (youngest becomes middle) you won't change their birth order (oldest of group becomes among youngest of group)

- understanding that older children and sibling groups have the hardest time finding adoptive families, I'd love any opinions on issues that might arise when adopting a child who is older than your natural born children? read the blog Finding Magnolia. she lays it out MUCH better than I ever could. she explains about the trauma of being ripped away from a family, culture, language, country, etc. that you are familiar with and going to a different one.

- is it best to adopt a sibling group so that they can support each other in an adoption transition, or has anyone found it too much to handle along with your natural children? what we did was to adopt one child at a time, but ultimately adopt two children from the same country. that way there wasn't one lone black child in the family - they have someone who looks like them. with all the work we did on attachment and bonding I never would have been able to handle two adopted kids at the same time the way I wanted to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have both bio and adopted kids. We adopted an older child out of birth order, and it was sooo hard on the kids who were already here. Please don't do this. We thought our family would be the exception. This one adoption has had such a negative impact on our family.

The psychological, emotional, and mental health issues of this one child have nearly collapsed our family.

The damage to our biological child who is close in age to the child from this adoption has been severe and will be life-long.

I would question what adoption agency would allow you to do this. Older child adoption is hard on its own. Most reputable agencies will not allow you to disrupt birth order, because it is known to cause additional strain. The agency should not have allowed it, and should have counseled and educated you about the difficulties.

I'm sorry that it didn't work out for you. We adopted out of birth order and it worked out fine for us.

[Anonymous]

I am 21 years old, my bio parent have just became foster parents
About 2 years ago. We had gotten a girl that was 6 and we all fell in love
With her I was hopping we could adopt her sadly we where unable to.
Now my parents ave 2 brothers they they want to adopt and i do NOT
Want them to adopt. They are 5 and 8 they have been with us for Bout 5 months
And they have just destroyed the house injured out animals been mean to us
And caused stress my parents know that I do not want to have them be adopted
I do not trust them it will not suprise me if the oldest one goes o jail for raping a girl
Beating her or murder. He shows do much sexual problems already and anger that its a big concern
I have an older brother so it's not the jealousy.
Now my parent have been trying to buy there love!
For Christmas they have spent $2,000 on them already on 4 items 2 each.
And they do not take care of anything as simple as chap stick.
I ask for a new phone for Christmas and my mom said she can't afford it
So when they spent that on them and tell me they can't get me the only thing I ask for for Christmas
It hurt worst off she has been spending my colleg money on them and not paying for it'

[Anonymous]

Fascinating discussion. I think its clear that its about being aware and empathic parents - but even then there is always a risk with childhood as children are so vulnerable and get wounded.
I am no adopted - I don't have children. I am 40 and from time to time read this stuff because id like a child but im not sure this will happen.
My childhood was complex - my father died when I was 7 - I felt very aligned with him & it was a great tragedy & my remaining parent wasn't aware or emotionally equipped to help us through this time - loss. Unimaginable.
My mother met someone else & we moved in with him and his children in their house.
The dynamics were bad - the adults were more caught up with midlife crisis stressful jobs & it wasn't a nurturing environment. Myself & my brother felt like second class citizens in someone elses house - more important children.
The reason I am relating this story - is because I believe many families are complex and difficult.
I feel nothing like my biological mum - I don't particularly look like her & we have very different personalities. We didn't really bond - but I understand that my mother had a traumatic childhood - I get it.
I often thought that if I were adopted I'd probably see that as the cause, but I wasn't.
I've had identity issues, grief that was unresolved, issues related to living with other step siblings who seemed to be more important etx etc.
Incidently we moved out after seven years!

However - what this has done for me after such long struggles has given me such an awareness about dynamics.
Love, reassurance - good communication - dealing with grief/wounds -
Must be so difficult for say a 4 year old to be adopted - won't have much memory - but will have the impact & loss.
But I feel a good loving parent who can give love & consider all tge childs needs. Also someone mentioned tge knock on effect it has on biological children - guilt? Responsibility? So much to consider - but genuine people who can give love, emotional intelligence & can cover all bases & allow the child to be him/herself
Sorry if this doesn't make sense - just wanted to share my story to reiterate the point that biological families & step families can also have huge trauma -
Awareness & love & support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a developmental question...........my child is entering first grade. She has always know that she was adopted as a baby; we have told her story about the day she was born, etc. since birth. It is a "fact" to her, but recently she asked to see a picture of her birthmother, which was totally fine. We looked a pictures, told her mothers story, etc. and that was the end of the discussion. Until she began expressing thoughts that she is not loved as much as her siblings, etc. My question is, how much can a six year old understand cognitively at this age??? What can the handle emotionally??? Anyone been down this road??? Have any good books to suggest??

I just think that a first grader is too young to understant all that.
I am adopted since a newborn.But my parents told me about my story when I was about 9-10 years old.
Before that is too early I think.

I disagree. I was adopted as an infant, and I always knew that I was adopted. I think it helped me that it was never a secret...it was just a fact of life. I think your daughter is just processing this information and seeking reassurance that you love her with all your heart.

[Anonymous]

We have two biological children and I was interested in adopting a third- I find so much of the negativity on the Internet to be discouraging however- I feel like I keep seeing adopted kids espousing a victimization motiphe that is clearly irrational in part (no adult decides to parent as a joy ride or on a whim).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have two biological children and I was interested in adopting a third- I find so much of the negativity on the Internet to be discouraging however- I feel like I keep seeing adopted kids espousing a victimization motiphe that is clearly irrational in part (no adult decides to parent as a joy ride or on a whim).

Because the people who are happy with adoption feel no need to post as it is just their life and normal. The adoption industry is horrible right now, but adoption itself is pure joy.

[Anonymous]

I think it is unfair to bio kids to divert resources. Especially if you are working and don't get to spend much time with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have two biological children and I was interested in adopting a third- I find so much of the negativity on the Internet to be discouraging however- I feel like I keep seeing adopted kids espousing a victimization motiphe that is clearly irrational in part (no adult decides to parent as a joy ride or on a whim).

Because the people who are happy with adoption feel no need to post as it is just their life and normal. The adoption industry is horrible right now, but adoption itself is pure joy.

PP nailed it exactly.