Do you blame your parents for not pushing you?

[Anonymous]

DD who is going to be a Junior next year has really decided this entire "school thing" and doing well is not for her. From Elementary through 7th grade she was top of her class and always on Honor Roll. Starting 2nd half of 8th grade year it seems like she just decided she didn't want to do well. It didn't matter what I took away (looking back, maybe I didn't make the consequences sting enough), she refused to study, turn hw in, etc. Now, we are at the end of this school year and I just feel like throwing my hands up. She is in her 2nd year of foreign language and hates it. She wants to not continue, whereas I think the skill of learning a 2nd language is important, she disagrees. I am so disgusted that she completely blew off her final, and so I told her to just go to the school and remove it from her schedule for next year. She also wants to stop her music lessons, stop her community service program, etc.

My concern is she will come back to me when she is in her 20's or 30's and "blame me" for opportunities that may be missed because I didn't push her enough to do better in school, to continue with the language and the music lesson, etc. Has anyone come back at their parents for things like this? Should I stop fighting her about schoolwork, etc? It really is the only time we ever ever argue, and it makes me sad and I feel like a failure because somehow I didn't give her a good enough work ethic to want to do well in school. I'm so disappointed in her and it's causing me to be depressed. I've sacrificed so much in time and money to try and put her in good programs, have meaningful experiences so she could have a good resume/college application, but she doesn't want it and resents me for "making" her do these things.

BTW, single parent household. Her father has never been in her life. His choice.

I'm really sad. Advice?? TIA!

[Anonymous]

I think it's too early to claim she has no work ethic. I think she's pushing back on boundaries - ones which you emphasize thew most.

First, reread your post- it seems like this is all about you. How you have sacrificed, and how you are depressed and worry that she's blame YOU later. But it's not about you; it's about her and her future.

Second, she's getting to an age where all your pushing isn't going to do much good anyway. She can make her own choices about how much she studies, etc.

In your shoes I would take some time to decide a few baseline expectations (A 3.5 GPA, one extra curricular, whatever), explain them to her and what the consequences will be for achieving or not achieving them will be. Then I'd let the rest be up to her. DO NOT get on her about homework on a daily basis or the results of her test.

I'd let her drop the language and drop music if she hates it. There's no point if making her do it if she's dug her heels in.

[Anonymous]

I'd let her drop out language, music, community etc - and just tell her as long as her GPA keeps up, she is free to decide everything else. It's time to let go. She can make her own decisions but you pushing too much will only cause more friction.

[Anonymous]

I would try family therapy--something changed in 8th grade. You probably shouldn't push so hard, and she's probably reacting to that. You need to see your daughter as her own person and not just a reflection of you.

[Anonymous]

I blame my parents for not getting me diagnosed with the many and severe learning disabilities I have, while pushing me to do things I was completely incapable of doing.

Yes, I didn't do my homework, but it was because I couldn't even understand the assignments or questions asked.

I agree with a little family therapy - some way to get her to understand how to prioritize what's important. A foreign language is a life skill. I'd rather my kid have that then get an A in AP physics.

[Anonymous]

By sophomore year I knew I had picked the wrong foreign language to study. Maybe there's a different one she wants to learn. She can always take a foreign language in college although in college it's fast paced so it would be good to have a year or two prior to starting then.

[Anonymous]

I blame my parents for not getting me diagnosed with the many and severe learning disabilities I have, while pushing me to do things I was completely incapable of doing.

please forgive them. I'm sure they were doing the best they knew how to do.

[Anonymous]

No. I was one of those lucky kids who was given unconditional love. My brother and I frequently talk about this. They did, however, set great examples of loyalty, honesty, and integrity. They assumed that we would follow suit.

[Anonymous]

No ... because basically I'm pretty lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I blame my parents for not getting me diagnosed with the many and severe learning disabilities I have, while pushing me to do things I was completely incapable of doing.

please forgive them. I'm sure they were doing the best they knew how to do.

You have no idea. Their best wasn't good enough. I have panic attacks when new computer programs are rolled out at work that I'll be expected to learn. Just the idea of sitting in any sort of classroom setting raises my heartrate and changes my breathing. You have no idea how much they tried or whether what they did was the best they could do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I blame my parents for not getting me diagnosed with the many and severe learning disabilities I have, while pushing me to do things I was completely incapable of doing.

please forgive them. I'm sure they were doing the best they knew how to do.

You have no idea. Their best wasn't good enough. I have panic attacks when new computer programs are rolled out at work that I'll be expected to learn. Just the idea of sitting in any sort of classroom setting raises my heartrate and changes my breathing. You have no idea how much they tried or whether what they did was the best they could do.

The thing is though that it wasn't in style to helicopter parent 20 or more years ago. Parents just accepted their children had an issue with A,B, or C that couldn't be fixed and moved on. Parents now do more with their kids than 20 years ago even with more dual income families today. Doctors weren't diagnosing children even if they had issues. There weren't the therapies that are available now. Just be aware of the age you were growing up in. Luckily there is help available for adults today if needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's too early to claim she has no work ethic. I think she's pushing back on boundaries - ones which you emphasize thew most.

First, reread your post- it seems like this is all about you. How you have sacrificed, and how you are depressed and worry that she's blame YOU later. But it's not about you; it's about her and her future.

Second, she's getting to an age where all your pushing isn't going to do much good anyway. She can make her own choices about how much she studies, etc.

In your shoes I would take some time to decide a few baseline expectations (A 3.5 GPA, one extra curricular, whatever), explain them to her and what the consequences will be for achieving or not achieving them will be. Then I'd let the rest be up to her. DO NOT get on her about homework on a daily basis or the results of her test.

I'd let her drop the language and drop music if she hates it. There's no point if making her do it if she's dug her heels in.

+1

The more we own their stuff, the less they have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By sophomore year I knew I had picked the wrong foreign language to study. Maybe there's a different one she wants to learn. She can always take a foreign language in college although in college it's fast paced so it would be good to have a year or two prior to starting then.

OP here. This is exactly what she has been saying (both points). Unfortunately, her school doesn't offer the language she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No ... because basically I'm pretty lazy.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By sophomore year I knew I had picked the wrong foreign language to study. Maybe there's a different one she wants to learn. She can always take a foreign language in college although in college it's fast paced so it would be good to have a year or two prior to starting then.

OP here. This is exactly what she has been saying (both points). Unfortunately, her school doesn't offer the language she wants.

I've noticed there are afterschool ACE classes in just about any language. Would she be interested in taking one of these over the summer or during the year? I started high school overseas where there was just one language taught and stuck with it for three more years. It was pretty much a waste. I wish I had just taken other classes junior year or at least by senior year. The language affected how many AP classes I took as well.